Gone, baby, gone! In this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars (Season 3, Episode 3: “Kingdom of the Blind”), Lucas starts a fire — meaning somewhere, Smokey the Bear just shed a single tear; Mona calls Caleb a bad kisser, which we call “blasphemy”; and there’s something different about the way Melissa looks, but we just can’t place it. (Maybe she got a haircut?)
Wherein Spencer Learns She Won’t Be “Auntie Spencer” Anytime Soon
It’s pretty hard to imagine Spencer (Troian Bellisario) as a babysitter, since we’re assuming that Spencer’s idea of a children’s bedtime story would be to read, say, Machiavelli’s The Prince. So maybe it’s for the best that Melissa (Torrey DeVitto) is no longer bringing that devil spawn child of hers into the already dysfunctional-for-days Hastings clan.
Of course, why exactly Melissa is no longer with child is still up in the air, as Spencer could only glean so much from those fraudulent phone calls to the hospital and the resort, learning that Melissa was never actually in the ER for a miscarriage. And we love that Mrs. Hastings and Melissa apparently went to the spa during their stay. It just confirms our life’s motto: There’s no such thing as a bad time to have a chemical peel followed by a mud wrap, with maybe a little waxing just for fun.
But at least Spencer’s mom finally admitted that she’s indeed taking Garrett’s case. Spencer is convinced that Melissa got her mom to defend Garrett, but either way, Spencer is shocked that her mom would do this — not that Spencer should still be all that shocked anymore when a member of her family betrays her.
Wherein Aria Reads a Post-It Note (Which is More Than Hanna Has Read All Year)
We have to give Aria (Lucy Hale) major props for having the guts to play piano with Jenna (Tammin Sursok) in her house — and even bake cookies (!) — which led to Aria spotting that game-changing post-it note. Turns out, Jenna is more of a gun nut than we realized. (And how awkward was it to see Aria and Jenna playing music together? There hasn’t been a music duo that’s resented each other that much since Simon and Garfunkel.)
And by the way, is anyone out there really hoping for more Ezra-Ella screentime? Sure, they’re cute together, and it’s nice that they don’t want to kill each other anymore. But Ezra (Ian Harding) and Ella (Holly Marie Combs) reconciling was the closest thing to a snooze-worthy plotline in the episode — considering that it didn’t really have anything directly to do with any real mystery or any of the romances — so we wouldn’t mind seeing this plot jettisoned, stat.
Wherein Emily Gets an “A” For Effort (As in “A” the Letter Grade, Not “A” the Person)
If you were to ask 100 high-school kids if it would be unfair if their teachers made it easier for them to get better grades, we’re guessing you would hear 100 people say, “What the hell is wrong with you?” But that’s why we love our Emily (Shay Mitchell) — she’s never one to attend her own pity party.
And we were definitely sweating there, with an “anonymous student” (gotta be “A”-related, right?) blowing the whistle on Ella’s grade-inflation scheme. That is, until Ezra swooped in to smooth-talk all their problems away. Is there anything this guy can’t do?
And our favorite part was when Ella first told Em that she had boosted her grade, and Emily gave one of her patented “pouty grimaces” as Ella walked away. Seriously, Emily seems to smile about as often as most people change their car’s oil — so once every four years. (Granted, she's had a tough past few months, so we'll cut her some slack.)
Wherein Hanna Gets Bilingual on Jenna’s Ass
We wouldn’t even say that Hanna (Ashley Benson) has mastered the English language, let alone that she’s ready to take a crack at a second tongue, but then we were quite impressed to hear her bust out that “no mas” as she walked over to surprise Jenna. Too bad Jenna still managed to get the Liars to keep her restored vision a secret. Is anyone better at guilt-tripping people into stuff than Jenna is? We think not.
Why is ultra-sketchy Lucas (Brendan Robinson) visiting Mona (Janel Parrish) — and why is he so convinced that she’s faking the crazy? We’re obviously curious as to what exactly Lucas is up to, but figuring out Lucas’ motives seems to be about as tricky as guessing how many facelifts Joan Rivers has had. (Also, like the number of Joan’s plastic surgeries, the truth about Lucas isn’t likely to make you feel good.)
And we’re concerned that Hanna’s visits to Mona are screwing up the magic of Haleb! Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) has clearly lost all trust in Hanna, and we also see that Lucas is still bitter towards Caleb for being with her. And we love Lucas, but let’s be honest — choosing between Caleb and Lucas is like choosing between Disneyland and California Adventure. (In other words, Lucas is fun as a change of pace, but you wouldn’t really want to spend the whole day with him.)
- Go, Hanna! After Hanna boldly surprises Jenna in her car, Jenna finally spills about that night with Emily, explaining that she found Em in the street and gave her a ride before Em ran off around 12 or 12:30 a.m. And we also learn that Jenna feels like a target and needs to keep up her blindness routine for a little longer. Right — because “A” has always been easy to fool, right?
- Is Jenna actually telling the truth about randomly finding Emily in the middle of the street? Jenna’s story sounds awfully fishy, and she seems to be a bit too friendly to the girls. Let’s face it — the words “Jenna” and “friendly” just don’t mix.
- The Hastings family definitely makes our own families look Rockwell-esque by comparison. Melissa is claiming to have had a miscarriage three months ago, but Mrs. Hastings confirmed that Melissa was already without child when she joined her. Was Melissa faking the pregnancy — or did she perhaps actually have the baby? And was she knocked up by Ian or Garrett?
- It’s certainly safe to assume — as Spencer is — that Melissa’s influence had something to do with their mom representing Garrett in court. And what exactly did Garrett mean last week when he mentioned false medical records? This now seems like a reference to Melissa’s baby — although maybe it has something to do with Ali’s body needing to be exhumed.
- We still aren’t any closer to learning the identity of the Black Swan, but now that we know that Melissa had lost her baby by no later than June 10th, it seems possible that she could have attended the school’s prom without a baby bump.
- Lucas has descended into a dark place faster than you can say “Robert De Niro’s character in Taxi Driver.” Lucas implied that Mona is faking her insanity for the greater good, and we did get glimpses of “normal Mona” at times, but Mona certainly looked crazy at the end of the episode, as she sang herself to sleep while clutching that queen of hearts. Not that we are opposed to singing when we’re alone in our rooms, mind you.
- Was the Queen of Hearts some kind of clue? We can’t but wonder if the fact that there are two identical pictures of the queen on that face card, is yet another hint that Ali has a twin. Or maybe Mona just never learned that when people do magic tricks and they say, “Pick a card, any card,” that you’re supposed to eventually give the card back.
- Why exactly is Jenna apparently a regular customer at H. Cobb Guns & Ammo? And why doesn’t she just buy her guns at Wal-Mart like normal people, where you can also stock up on frozen foods and housewares? It just doesn’t make sense to go to multiple stores.
- It sure looks as though someone is keeping Ali’s body — or possibly Maya's — on ice, along with a bottle of vodka. Bottoms up.
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- It’s gonna definitely take us awhile to get used to the idea of seeing Jenna without sunglasses. And by the way, we’re guessing that Oedipus Rex wishes that vision-repair surgery was this effective back in ancient Greece.
- Between Melissa’s (possibly) faked pregnancy and Mona singing at the end of the episode, it appears that PLL is becoming just slightly Glee-like. Then again, Sue Sylvester just might be scarier than “A.”
- Speaking of earplugs, we’re pretty sure that the only time we’ve ever written a reminder for ourselves to wear earplugs is when we first heard that Paris Hilton had an album coming out.
Catch an all-new episode of PLL on Tuesday, June 26 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC Family.
Get your Pretty Little Liars fix: Like us on Facebook and Follow us on Twitter and Tumblr!