As “A” would say, to the tune of Katy Perry: “I killed a girl, and I liked it!” In this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars (Season 3, Episode 5: “That Girl is Poison”), Hanna goes for the comfy look; Ezra’s lime appears to be older than his girlfriend; and Garrett’s comatose mother is apparently also working as a courier.
Wherein Aria Learns That Ezra Isn’t Crazy About Pickles
The number of Liars who are feuding with Lucas is steadily increasing, after he gets disgruntled and almost attacks Aria at Laurel’s photo studio (until Ezra saves the day). Come to think of it, Lucas is pretty much always disgruntled these days. The dude needs to try and get a lot more gruntled. (“Gruntled” is a word, right? Let’s just say it is.)
So let’s get this straight: Hanna’s most impressive work experience thus far consists of those two days at a dentist’s office, while Emily is not even a barista and is on the verge of getting fired — and yet Aria manages to get a renowned photographer to offer her a job as her assistant on the spot? The other girls could learn a thing or two about employability from Aria.
And we’re glad that Ezra got a new editing job, because it was hard to watch Aria having to help Ezra survive by buying him turkey sandwiches (which we’re guessing is what Britney Spears did for Kevin Federline while they were married). And that old-timey camera was such a typical Ezra gift, since Aria didn’t seem to have any idea what the heck that thing was. Aria’s like, “Thanks, but we have this thing called Instagram now — maybe you’ve heard of it?”
Wherein Spencer Spends an Inordinate Amount of Time Discussing Ezra’s Nuts
You know how, when you play the McDonald’s Monopoly game, you somehow keep getting the same identical game piece on everything you buy, and you’re like, “Why do I keep getting Oriental Avenue? And why is there even still such a thing as ‘Oriental Avenue’ — isn’t that kind of offensive?” Well, that’s how Spencer must feel, since wherever she goes, she constantly runs into the same person: Detective Wilden. Wilden is her Oriental Avenue (or something like that).
We get why Nate tried to attack Garrett in the hospital, but we’re also glad he had that outburst, since it allowed Spencer to “pull a Spencer,” meaning she snuck into a place where she didn’t belong (in this case, an elevator that led to Garrett’s mom’s room) to read that note, “April Rose has the proof.” Who is April Rose — or what is it? Maybe April rose is a type of flower? Or, uh, maybe it’s the name of a porn star? (C’mon — it’s a total porn name, right? Just sayin’.)
Wherein Emily Thinks Paige Might Be Her “Teenage Dream” — But It’s a Nightmare
It’s not a good sign for Emily and Paige’s relationship when their night can end with Paige having a gash on her forehead and having been drugged — and yet this still isn’t the worst day they’ve ever spent together. We’re thinking that dubious distinction goes to the time that Paige tried to drown Emily. (Ah, the memories.)
We were shocked to learn that Emily’s jacket was donated to the rummage sale, meaning that Em may have bumped into someone besides Jenna on “that night.” But we were even more shocked to learn that Emily apparently owns pink thread, which she used to patch up her not-at-all-pink jacket. Emily has been in a pretty somber mood lately, and yet she apparently has the same taste in thread as Glinda the Good Witch.
And speaking of that jacket, why exactly would “A” donate it to a rummage sale in the middle of Rosewood? For a criminal genius, “A” is apparently not so great at hiding evidence. Then again, maybe we should applaud “A” for helping a charity. The next thing you know, we’re gonna find out that “A” used that tree that got chopped down in Season 1 — which contained Ali and Ian’s names — to build an orphanage for underprivileged youth.
Wherein Hanna Finally Uses Her Powers of Clothes-Thievery for Good Instead of Evil
We thought we were crestfallen about the breakup of Haleb, but Hanna is taking it even worse than we are! C’mon, Hanna — even Katie Holmes managed to go out and get ice cream after a while. (Okay, so we’d choose Caleb over Tom Cruise in a heartbeat, but you get our point.)
Just how drastic is the situation? Hanna has actually resorted to wearing sweats (shudder!), and seeing Hanna in sweats is like seeing car enthusiast Jay Leno driving around in a used ‘94 Hyundai. (Jay Leno is like, “Check it out — it gets AM and FM! And it has two cupholders!”) But seriously — does this mean she and Caleb are actually dunzo for good? Because if it is, you’ll need to give us a minute while we sob uncontrollably.
And are you liking the dude who was hitting on Hanna’s mom at the rummage sale? If you ask us, he seems cuter (and nicer) than her ex-husband Tom. However, we wanted to tell him, “Dude, if you’re gonna date Hanna’s mom, you need to be aware that if you give Hanna a long lecture every time she steals something, you’re gonna get laryngitis. So maybe you should decide to only say something to Hanna about every tenth item that you catch her stealing?”
- Things are not looking good for poor, disgruntled Lucas. First, he loses his job for stealing supplies from Laurel’s photography studio, and then Aria finds those “MZM” pills in Lucas’ things, which appear to be the same kind of sleeping pill that was used in Emily’s flask on that fateful cemetery night. What is this dude up to?
- So we would say that Lucas is definitely on the “A” team, but we just know that we’re gonna get some random excuse next week about how Lucas only has the pills because he was trying to track down the person who drugged Emily... or something like that. Regardless, we’ve never been more suspicious of Lucas than we are now.
- We’re told that those sleeping pills are used to sedate particularly aggressive mental patients, which sounds like it could describe Mona — or perhaps Ali’s twin. Then again, there’s one person who has access to every pill imaginable — and that, of course, is Wren. A note to our British buddy: Better start coming up with a solid alibi, stat.
- Who was in the hoodie as Garrett’s mom was wheeled away by the paramedics, and is there in fact a reason that Jenna threw her Terrible Hat Party on the same day that Garrett got out of prison to visit his mom? It certainly is odd that Jenna invited every person in Rosewood. Jenna’s like, “It’s my party, and I’ll invite total strangers if I want to.”
- Speaking of the Terrible Hat Party, we managed to divert our attention from the preposterous headwear for long enough to notice that there were playing cards on the wall, reminiscent of the cards that Mona used at Radley recently and that she was clutching while singing to herself in bed.
- Nate continues to rub us the wrong way, especially as he falls for Jenna. And we assume that there is some clue in the fact that Jenna asks him if he can draw people. Could this be a hint that Jenna was the person who got someone to draw those sketches of the Black Swan that we saw in Mona’s lair? (Or maybe Jenna had something sexier in mind, a la Jack sketching Rose in Titanic.)
- Speaking of Jenna, the fact that Emily’s jacket has shown up is now a sign that someone else was in the car with her when she picked up Emily prior to Em being discovered at the cemetery. Could it have been Lucas or Melissa? Then again, now that we know that Emily was drugged with a sedative that causes memory loss when mixed with alcohol, we’re thinking that the odds are pretty slim that Em will remember much.
- So who the heck is April Rose, and who was that note intended for? It’s likely to be a person, but as we mentioned earlier, it’s possible that “April rose” could be a type of flower, since Garrett had just purchased flowers for his mom. Or is “Rose” short for “Rosewood”? (And a note to Toby: Never buy carnations for Spencer. She is not a fan.)
- We’re not trying to add fuel to the “Aria is A” fire, but is it odd that Aria is taking a sudden interest in photography? Of all the things for Ezra to spend a lot of money on for her, a camera seems like an odd choice — unless Aria were needing to sneak around and take lots of candid snapshots of her friends.
- It appears that A’s gloved hands have gotten a hold of Maya’s purse, per the final scene at the end. What were the prescription pills that Maya was on, and did “A” tamper with them in some way? Again, this screams “Wren” to us.
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- Paige appears to have a far more discerning palette when it comes to cupcakes than we do. As far as we’re concerned, there’s no such thing as a subpar cupcake. For example, eating a cupcake that dropped on the ground? Still better than eating no cupcake at all, if you ask us.
- Any Bell Biv Devoe fans out there? We didn’t think so (it is 2012, after all), but that ‘90s R&B group’s biggest hit was “Poison,” which is where the title of this week’s episode comes from. And the song contains the line, “She’ll steal your heart when you’re blind.” Could this be a clue that Jenna is “A”? Or did we just want an excuse to listen to this ridiculous song again?
- Judging from Paige’s dance moves at Jenna’s birthday party, we’re guessing she won’t be appearing in any sequels to Step Up in the near future. (Okay, so she was drugged, but still — rhythm is rhythm.)
- We’ll go ahead and say it: A pizza with Caleb on it sounds like the greatest thing that humanity has ever invented. It combines two of the things that we love most, and it can presumably be delivered to our home in 30 minutes or less. What’s not to like?
Catch an all-new episode of PLL on Tuesday, July 17 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC Family.
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