I’ve got my eye on you — my eye stamp, that is! In this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars (Season 3, Episode 6: “The Remains of the ‘A’”), Hanna (Ashley Benson) is somehow a forgery expert; Holden (Shane Coffey) is back and jonesing for a cupcake (this show has a thing for cupcakes); and “A” screams for ice cream — or rather, rainbow sherbet. Because even diabolical stalkers need to watch their figures.
Wherein Emily Learns That Holden Should Probably Shower More Often
Do you think that your favorite actors ever look back on their careers and are shocked to remember the especially-terrible movies that they chose to be in? (Paul Giamatti is like, “I was in Big Momma’s House? What is wrong with me?”) Well, that sorta describes Emily’s (Shay Mitchell) life of late, as she slowly remembers “that night.” In other words, “that night” is her own personal Big Momma’s House — that is, something that she wishes had never, ever happened.
Saying that Holden (and his silly fight club) was an essential part of last season is like saying that Luxembourg is an essential part of Europe. And yet we saw a return of the guy with the bad heart and the great hair. In fact, Holden possibly saw Emily on “that night,” as his hand stamp matches one that Em remembers seeing on someone at Sputnik’s diner, which is oh-so-conveniently located at the exact corner where her jacket was dropped off for the church..
And somehow — despite the debacle of last week's hat party — Emily has managed to keep her job at the coffee place? Looks like there's such a thing as miracles after all!
Wherein Hanna Realizes Why You Shouldn’t Go To Dances With Your Friend’s Boyfriend
This week, we learned that Hanna is basically like King Midas, except that instead of turning things into gold, she can turn people into corpses (or near-corpses), as happened when Hanna planted that fake note on Garrett’s (Yani Gellman) mom. Come to think of it, Hanna would probably have preferred to turn Garrett’s mom into gold (or at least a Birken bag?).
Does Hanna have a thing for Toby (Keegan Allen)? We wouldn’t have thought so, but she sure didn’t waste time when bringing up his name as the guy who would take her to the dance. And can you think of anything in history that was more awkward than that slow-dance between Hanna and Toby? We sure can’t!
This week, Detective Wilden was as irritating as ever, accusing Hanna of helping out Garrett (as if!) and also seeming to be willing to play dirty when it comes to breaking up Ms. Marin and her new boyfriend, Goober Ted. And by the way, the movie Ted would be a lot less interesting if, instead of being about a perverted teddy bear, it was about an associate pastor who throws parties in the rec room. (Mark Wahlberg would surely not be friends with that Ted.)
Wherein Aria Learns That Being an Unemployed English Teacher is Surprisingly Lucrative
Why do people never find good things in sock drawers? People always find creepy things in them, like Aria (Lucy Hale) finding that Ziploc baggie of cash in Ezra’s (Ian Harding) sock drawer. No one is ever like, “I saw what you were hiding in your sock drawer,” and the other person is like, “Oh, no — you found the photo of that puppy I was going to get you? Sir Barks-A-Lot was supposed to be a surprise!”
However, we’re not sure which was creepier — knowing that Ezra was hiding a huge amount of cash from Aria, or having to watch him pose for those ridiculously lame photos that Aria was snapping. Like, why on earth would he agree to take a photo with a newspaper in his mouth? Maybe he really is planning to buy Aria a puppy, and carrying the paper in his mouth was his subtle hint to her about it?
Wherein Spencer Should Know That You Never Say No to Watching a Ryan Gosling Movie
So apparently “April Rose” is actually the name of an antique store and not the name of a stripper, as we were thinking it might be. (C’mon — “April Rose” is a total stripper name! And she would probably dance to Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” right?) Too bad the charm bracelet contained Ali’s blood and someone else’s blood, but not Garrett’s, meaning he goes free.
Most of the parents on this show could be described as “tough yet loving” — except, of course, for Spencer’s (Troian Bellisario) parents, whom we would describe as “creepy yet extra-creepy.” Spencer’s dad was even stalking Jason (Drew Van Acker) and Spencer from his car, as Jason and Spencer spoke for the first time about the N.A.T. club. Come to think of it, cars are used for only three reasons in Rosewood: 1.) Stalking people; 2.) Making out; and 3.) Running people over. (And no, “transportation” is not one of the reasons to use a car in Rosewood.)
- So we now know what “April Rose” is — or do we? When Spencer was searching for “April Rose, PA,” on her computer, we see that one of the results is an OBGYN that’s located there. Could this have something to do with Melissa and her (fake) pregnancy?
- We can’t help but wonder who might have given that bracelet/anklet to Ali, as Ali says it’s from a friend who Spencer doesn’t know. And could the charms themselves be a clue as to who chose that bracelet? One of the most visible charms is that Eiffel Tower charm, which reminds us of when Spence tutored Toby in French and he passed her a note about Jenna in the French textbook. Is this a sign that Jenna might have given the bracelet to Ali?
- Also, let’s not forget that Aria owns an Eiffel Tower-shaped lamp in her room. We know, we know — we’re not trying to jump on the “Aria is A” bandwagon, but facts are facts, people!
- So who was at the diner with Emily? The hair and the stamp suggest that maybe Holden was there, but that would seem a bit too obvious. Plus, Emily spotted that the words “I’m sorry I left you” were written on her placemat, which implies that maybe it was an ex. Could Maya have been there — or a male ex, like Ben (from early in Season 1)?
- And was there more of a relationship between Maya and Holden than we previously realized? Maybe Holden was in fact the mysterious guy who was texting Maya and trying to get back together with her, as we always sorta suspected.
- It’s suspicious that Ezra has more cash lying around in his apartment than Donald Trump does, and we don’t believe his story for one second that he sold his grandpa’s car.
- This show loves using TV shows, films, and books as clues, as in the Western that Ezra was watching at the end of the episode. In that Western, a guy says that you have to be loyal to everything about a man — even his “son.” Uh, could this mean that there is a Little Ezra running around that we don’t know about? And could the money be related to that? (And is it asking too much for Ezra to have an illegitimate kid or two with us when he gets a chance?)
- Could it have been Ezra who was with Emily on “that night”? Sure, it would be unlikely, but Ezra’s hair does seem similar to the hair that Emily saw. Heck, maybe Aria should have checked Ezra’s wrist! Then again, it’s a little ridiculous to accuse every guy who happens to have a moptop. (In other words: You better have a good alibi, Andy Samberg.).
- And why was Emily even taken to that diner to begin with? Apparently, digging up a corpse can give you quite an appetite.
- How exactly did the charm bracelet get to the April Rose antique shop? At this point, we don’t trust Spencer’s parents one iota, so we wouldn’t be that surprised if Spencer’s mom had something to do with planting it there to get Garrett to go free.
- And speaking of Spencer’s freaky-deaky parents, it seems pretty clear that Spencer’s dad has a secret motive for wanting to stop Spencer from investigating Ali’s death, other than just wanting to get Spencer to “move on with her life,” or whatever pathetic excuse it is that he said to Jason. Plus, it now seems that Jason is aware that Ali had a twin — hence his "more than one sister" quote. (And is it just us, or does Jason get more perfect in every episode?)
- Jason brings up some interesting possibilities involving the N.A.T. club, like the idea that Garrett and Ian were paying girls to set up their friends to get spied on, or that Ian was taping the videos for someone else. Of course, whenever we think of Ian being in mixed company, we can’t help but suspect his two sketchy exes, Ali and Melissa. Maybe one of those two ladies wanted to spy on the girls of Rosewood?
- Any storyline involving Holden so far has kinda been a waste of time, so we’re hoping that Holden is not so meaningless this season. And we know that Holden had that big bag of pills last season that he claimed were for his heart, which makes us wonder if he perhaps would have access to the pills that were given to Emily (or the ones that were under Maya’s name) last week. Perhaps Holden hands out more dangerous things to girls than just Gummi bears.
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- We know that Aria was upset at Ezra this week for not telling her about all that cash, which led to her lousy first day with Laurel, but we still don’t understand how she could resist Ezra when he was in that robe. Apparently, she’s a stronger person than we are! (However, Ezra in those pajama pants at the beginning of the episode — that we can resist.)
- We don’t really get why Holden still has that stamp on his wrist after this much time, considering that a member of a secret karate club should probably be showering, like, multiple times a day. Plus, how was he able to then lick it off so easily? (Okay, so we kinda want to lick Holden, but that’s a different story for a different day.)
- Don't you think the old guy who ran the antique shop — with his grey beard and not-exactly-trim physique — looked like he could be Santa Claus’ creepy cousin? Instead of giving out free presents in exchange for cookies like Santa does, this guy gives out blood-stained bracelets in exchange for 400 bucks. Not quite the same thing. (Every family has its black sheep, even the Claus family.)
Catch an all-new episode of PLL on Tuesday, July 24 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC Family.
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