Who doesn’t want a first kiss to take place in a mental institution? In this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars (Season 3, Episode 8: “Stolen Kisses”), Paige (Lindsey Shaw) and Emily (Shay Mitchell) share a moment in a pool that doesn’t involve attempted drowning (thankfully); Wren (Julian Morris) valiantly continues his quest to kiss every girl on this show; and Ezra’s (Ian Harding) mom makes Dina Lohan look like she should teach a parenting seminar.
Wherein Aria Realizes That Her Own Parents Might Not Be So Terrible After All
So Aria (Lucy Hale) finally meets Mr. Fitzgerald’s mom, who is clearly not as obsessed with old-timey typewriters as her son is. You know how Marlon Brando in The Godfather says he’ll make someone an offer they can’t refuse? Well, Ezra’s mom sees Aria at a museum function and makes Aria an offer that she can refuse. (Let’s just hope Aria doesn’t get a horse head in her bed anytime soon.)
And what was Ezra’s mom thinking? Did she really think that Aria was going to be like, “Sure, I’d love to take you up on your offer to pay me to leave the man of my dreams, since I could use some cash to shop at my favorite store, Kooky Earrings ‘R Us.”
So Ezra has been rich this whole time? What is this — an episode of the reality show Secret Millionaire? We wonder if this is related to why Ezra has the Creepy Ziploc Baggie of Money in his sock drawer. And maybe it’s just us, but it feels like PLL is borrowing the plotline of the movie Arthur, where Russell Brand (in the remake) has to marry a rich woman or get disowned from his snobby mother. At least Ezra has (much) better hair than Russell Brand does.
Wherein Hanna Decides That Talking About Mental Illness Is A Major Turn-On
You know how Grey's Anatomy has McDreamy and McSteamy? Well, if Wren had a nickname, it would definitely be McSleazy. Seriously — the dude is a grown man who now has kissed two Rosewood High students! Plus, given that he hooked up with Spencer (Troian Bellisario) while he was dating her sister, we’re thinking that Hanna (Ashley Benson) might wanna keep Wren away from Kate for as long as possible.
And sure, we appreciate that Hanna gave that pretty heartfelt speech to convince the Radley board not to transfer Mona (Janel Parrish) to New York. However, if Mona thinks that Hanna would do the same for her, she’s in for a surprise. And let’s face it — Hanna mainly wanted to keep Mona close so she could continue to interrogate her. (What are friends for if not for a little interrogation?)
Wherein Emily Learns That She Talked to Roughly 11 Million Different People on “That Night”
Looks like Emily (Shay Mitchell) is finally letting herself move on from Maya (Bianca Lawson). We’re not sure that we’re 100% onboard with her choice of Paige (why not Samara?!), but the fact that Em ended up at Paige’s house on “that night” could be a sign as to her true feelings. So Paige and Emily finally kiss again (without the assistance of drugs this time), and then they do what everyone does after a kiss: They work on their synchronized swimming routine.
And what’s the deal with Nate? We understand that he’s presumably having trouble dealing with Maya’s death, but did he have to sneak up on Emily in the boathouse at night? Then again, with what we now know about Maya and her “Website of a Million Crazy Videos,” it seems that no one in that family is to be trusted.
Wherein Spencer Decides It’s Good to Flirt With The Guy Who Broke Her Best Friend’s Heart
We were surprised that Spencer’s mom leaves her briefcase lying around when she’s not in the room, since everyone in Rosewood should now know to act around these crafty Liars in the same way that you act at the airport: Never leave your baggage unattended. Come to think of it, most buildings in Rosewood should also have airport-style security, just to be on the safe side. (Shoes off, everyone!)
Spencer roots around in the bag and finds Bart Comstock’s name, who works at the movie theater and saw Maya get into Garrett’s (Yani Gellman) car on the night she was murdered. Will Maya’s videos explain why she was cavorting with Garrett? We’re not sure why Maya got into that car, but we’re guessing Garrett didn’t invite Maya to go for a ride-along as a fun little adventure.
In fact, Maya’s website is not a fake, and it holds quite the treasure trove of videos, some featuring Maya and Emily. So what did Maya mean in the video when she says she’s a “coward” and has to face her fears? As for us, the last time we had to face our fears was when we finally got the courage to finish watching Paranormal Activity so we could send it back to Netflix. But that’s probably not what Maya meant.
And what’s up with Spencer and that hardcore flirting she was doing with Caleb (Tyler Blackburn)? What a traitor! Spence should know that a girl with a boyfriend shouldn’t be flirting with other guys or else it will end badly — did she learn nothing from K-Stew? We don’t want Spence to have to issue a public apology to Toby (Keegan Allen) through the media or anything.
- What the heck was Maya up to? We’re getting the sense that we didn’t know Maya as well as we thought we did, but we still have a hard time thinking that she was up to anything super-shady. We’re guessing that she was somehow forced into getting into Garrett’s car, but we’re not sure why, and we don’t know how Garrett and Maya got to know each other so well in the first place.
- The most interesting video from Maya’s site was the one where she says she has to face her fears and stop hiding like a coward. Does this mean that Maya knew who killed Alison (Sasha Pieterse) and was being accosted about it? And was Garrett trying to help Maya, or was he trying to keep her from talking?
- We now know that Maya’s trachea was crushed by a pipe-like object. Spencer mentions it could be a police nightstick, but we wonder what else might have caused it.
- Nate is still kinda sketchy, and the most intriguing comment he made at the boathouse was when he says that Maya like the “elements,” including air, water, and fire, and that Maya liked setting things aflame. Could this be a hint that Maya had something to do with the fire at Jason’s (Drew Van Acker) place last season, when Jenna (Tammin Sursok) was trapped inside?
- Rosewood has no shortage of creepy loners, and so this week we meet one more (why not?): Bart Comstock, who — as we can tell when Aria approached him — clearly is not used to human females speaking to him voluntarily. Does he know more than he’s letting on about Maya getting into Garrett’s car? Or is it possible that someone is paying him to make this story up?
- Something we found suspicious about Bart was the fact that he brought up “church,” when mentioning a place that you don’t typically know the address of. Of course, on this show, the word “church” always reminds us of the church bell tower where Ian tried to kill Spencer until “A” apparently intervened. Could Bart know something about this, or was his “church” comment completely innocuous? (A side note: Nothing on this show is ever innocuous.)
- Where exactly did Jason run off to? (Then again, Jason being M.I.A. isn’t exactly shocking news.) The fact that he quickly skipped town to repair his car makes us wonder what it is we don’t know about his car accident from last week. And it seems that it was awfully easy for Spencer to lie to the cops last week about the accident, so we’re expecting that to come back and bite her any day now.
- Is Paige telling the truth about “that night,” or might she have been in cahoots with Jenna and the others? We’ve always known that Paige was bitter about Emily and Maya’s relationship, so we wouldn’t put it past her to want to hurt one of them (as her capacity for attempted drownings can attest).
- We got another clue about “that night,” as Wren mentions that Mona had been slipping drugs to her visitors. So it sounds like Mona might have given Lucas (Brendan Robinson) the pills that were also used in Emily’s flask. We still find it hard to believe that Lucas would have been the one to drug Emily, but considering how sketchy he’s been lately, we could see him deciding to test out life as a roofie middle man.
- We learned that Ezra has something in common with Paris Hilton — meaning that Ezra stands to inherit a ton of money, not that Ezra is personal friends with Kim Kardashian (sadly). So is this the secret that Ezra was hoping to keep from Aria by hiding all that cash in his sock drawer? Or is there another secret that we’re still going to find out regarding all that mysterious moolah?
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- Aria is usually as tactful as they come, but we loved how Spencer called her out on that “frumpy” remark. A note to Aria: Just because Spence doesn’t wear earrings that look like they’re actually Christmas ornaments like you do, doesn’t mean she’s “frumpy.”
- We couldn’t help but laugh that Emily and Paige were swimming after their kiss, since not even Michael Phelps goes swimming as often as Em does. And we imagine that Paige may have loaned her a swimsuit, but we prefer to assume that Em takes her swimsuit with her wherever she goes, just in case the mood strikes.
- Would Nate really have told Emily that Jenna stood him up? Whenever we get stood up, we take that info with us to our graves. (Not that we’ve ever been stood up before, mind you — but just if it theoretically ever happens in the future.)
Catch an all-new episode of PLL on Tuesday, August 7 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC Family.
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