Big rumors cause big drama on tonight's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Episode 4, particularly regarding whether Lisa Vanderpump faked her faint and whether Kyle Richards's husband cheated on her. It's time for the recap, so clean up after your puppy, eat plenty of mayo, and kill as many ants as you can.

Cha-Cha-Goodbye

At the start of the episode, Brandi gets lunch with realtor/on-and-off boyfriend JR, and we learn that her Brandi's bestie, Jennifer Gimenez, isn't thrilled about this. Indeed, Brandi says that she and JR have already broken up once, and that he totally bugs her, but that he's back in her life because she needed a new home. Uh, okay.

Over lunch, we see Brandi and JR get into a debate about him having gone on a couples' trip while they were dating. Keep digging yourself into that hole, dude.

Lisa says that she isn't loving being on Dancing With the Stars, which is good, because we see that she's the first person voted off. Luckily, her family is there to comfort her and compliment her on her cha-cha. Lisa is asked by someone about a rumor that her faint was fake, and she doesn't take kindly to this. In other words, Kim and Kyle Richards better keep their own theories about that faint to themselves. 

Mother Mayo I?

Yolanda is getting treatments for her Lyme disease — and we indeed see her meet with a holistic healer in her home — but the rest of the ladies take a limo ride to Carlton's Gothic-themed mansion for cocktails. While in the limo, we hear about Kyle's dog's intestinal issues — thanks for that image, Kyle! — and then Brandi, Kyle, and Kim talk about how graceful Lisa's faint was. This isn't going to end well, is it?

Carlton tells us that she does hate ants, and then she and her sexy nanny, Elyza, finish getting ready for the party, which inexplicably involves pouring out an obscene amount of mayo. The ladies arrive, with Kyle asking Carlton — who is Wiccan — if she was raised Catholic and then later asking if she experiments with witchcraft. Carlton — who admits to having practiced the dark arts at one time — is not amused.

Brandi is the one who instigates more trouble as she tells Lisa that there was talk in the limo about whether Lisa only pretended to faint. Then, Kyle approaches and is none to happy that Brandi kinda-sorta threw her under the bus. Meanwhile, Lisa isn't 100% certain that Brandi would have had her back about the issue.

Is There a "Good" Kind of C-Word?

The ladies head to the dining room, where they're surprised that Carlton has hired such a foxy nanny. Kyle — who is seated at the head of the table, since Carlton doesn't like to sit there — gets under Carlton's skin by asking her a slew of questions.

Yolanda then says Carlton seems dark, and Brandi agrees and somehow uses the "c-word" about Carlton without Carlton getting upset. Only Brandi can use the "c-word" and make it sound like a compliment. But Lisa wishes Brandi could go back to the days when she only said the "f-word." Ah, memories.

After an awkward convo about the ladies' husbands' manhoods, Brandi asks Kyle how she feels about the rumors of Mauricio's alleged infidelity. Kyle is shocked Brandi would bring this up, as Kyle considers them to be utter lies. But Yolanda suggests that there might be some truth to them, and Brandi agrees that this was the case with her ex-husband. Needless to say, Kyle uses quite a few f-bombs about the women to us.

Our Final Thoughts

Okay, so we can't be too surprised that Brandi would push the boundaries of common decency, whether it's using the c-word, or bringing up the fake-faint rumor, or asking Kyle about the cheating rumors. But given that Brandi has herself endured an unfaithful ex-husband, we can't imagine why she would broach such a potentially sensitive subject. And we're also surprised that Yolanda — who normally stays away from drama — would get involved.

Meanwhile, we haven't seen much of JR, but we have a hard time thinking that he's right for Brandi, especially since he doesn't appear to have been too upfront about that couples' trip. Then again, he is pretty damn sexy. And it's becoming more and more clear that Kyle really rubs Carlton the wrong way. Like, really. Were Kyle's questions to Carlton really all that bad? We're not sure.

Now, we can't wait for next week, when Kyle calls Brandi a "bully." In the meantime, we could use a snack. Can someone pass the mayo?