It's time to Escape to Witch Mountain, by which we mean prepare for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' triumphant return to the silver screen. Our favorite fleet of disgruntled home-makers will be back in the fall, and this season promises to be more dramatic than ever! Though, we're not really sure anything can top Kim Richards circa Season 2. Sigh, memories!
Check out 5 things we want to see from Hollywood's sexiest middle-agers!
1. A New and Improved Kim Richards
America's most beloved child star spent last season "going to the bathroom," slurring her words, and wearing shirts with ridiculous bows. After she was released from rehab (and, we assume, a few therapeutic session stroking Kyle Richards’s raven black hair)
2. More Alcohol-Induced Breakdowns
We love it when Andy Cohen flies the housewives to remote shacks in the woods (read: Camille Grammer's vaycay home) to get their bonding on. After all, bonding is just Bravo code for wine guzzling, and lord knows these ladies love to throw back. Especially poor Taylor Armstrong....
Great, now we feel a crying fit coming on. Someone book a comforting belly dancing lesson, stat.
3. The Revenge of Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy
Did you tune in to the epic RHoBH reunion special? Frankly, we're shocked that Andy made it out alive. The housewives made the mistake of ganging up against Lisa Vanderpump. Don't they know who they're dealing with? This lady wore a tiara to her own daughter's wedding — she means business. We can only assume that she'll spend next season bringing down her enemies, one secretive call to Star Magazine at a time.
4. More Half-Naked Brandi
At first we didn't like Brandi Glanville because she was a one-legged imposter, but now we're in love. And not just because she roams the beach wearing barely there mesh bikini-thongs. Most of the housewives have an irrational hatred of Brandi, which makes her tenure on the show even more hilarious, and we appreciate that she called out Kim Richards. Someone has to real-talk, and it might as well be her!
5. An Unplanned Pregnancy, Preferably Kim Richards Style
Remember that beautiful moment wherein Kim Richards thought she was pregnant with a love child, but really she was just going through menopause? It served as a painful reminder as to how badly we want there to be an unplanned pregnancy on this show. Someone please sperminate a housewife.
BONUS: Another Kyle-Motional Limo Fight
Kyle Richards gets her thrills whipping her hair back and forth all over Mauricio's six-pack, but she also loves herself a limo fight. How else do you explain the copious amounts of time she spends finger-wagging in the back seat? Hopefully, Kyle will fit in some quality limo time next season and solve life's greatest mystery: Is her hair real?