Tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is all about new beginnings, but it's also about gay Bullmastiffs, butt floss, and cucumber we wouldn’t want to eat. Yikes. And if you didn’t squeal when you saw Giggy in his tiny Hawaiian shirt, then we can’t help you.
The episode, “Leis and Lies in Lanai,” picks up at the White Party, just as Taylor and Russell have been turned away at the door. Everyone else at the party feels badly but is relieved to move on. Meanwhile, in the limo, Russell tells Taylor that what Camille said is an outright lie, but Taylor clarifies that it was an exaggeration, not a lie. Long story short, that limo ride could not have been more uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, the people back at the party are enjoying their own brand of awkwardness, as a few of the guys start getting mighty frisky. Mauricio swoops in to kiss Kyle from behind while she’s mid-conversation, which we thought was cute but Kyle didn’t seem to appreciate. Then again, there's very little that Mauricio does that we don't find adorable. (And if you think we're gonna complain about seeing him shirtless this week, think again.)
And then Kim’s boyfriend Ken watches Kim on the dance floor from afar — not unlike a lion watching a gazelle — as she dances with another guy, until Ken finally cuts in and they
make out inappropriately enjoy each other’s company. If Ken is trying to get on Kyle’s good side, shoving his tongue down her sister’s throat at a formal party is probably not the best method.
To celebrate Mauricio’s birthday, the whole gang (minus Taylor) gets ready to fly to Hawaii. Or at least they’re all supposed to go, except that Kim can’t find her passport and is running late. That’s right — Kim is running late for something. Shocker, right?
Kyle is upset that Kim has to take a later flight — and that Kim lied to her about having renewed her license — and we can understand where Kyle’s coming from. Seriously, how can this be the second plane ride that Kim’s been late for this season? We picture Kim on the runway as the plane takes off, having to run after the plane and then cling to the side of it, Indiana Jones-style.
The ladies change planes in Honolulu, and the plane they board to take them to Lanai looks a lot like the plane the Wright brothers would have used for the world’s first flight. In other words, it’s not exactly state-of-the-art, and everyone is a little on-edge — that is, everyone except Brandi, who pops a few Xanax and then puts her feet up (or should we say, her “cankles” up).
They all somehow make it in one piece to the hotel, where Brandi admits she can barely put a sentence together because of the pills — although she seems plenty capable of making scads of penis jokes. (Then again, she may have a point about guys who drive Ferraris. Just sayin’!)
And just because Brandi’s barely conscious doesn’t mean that she can’t hit on other people’s husbands. She tells Ken and Lisa that they don’t act like they’re in love, and then Brandi throws her arm around Ken to watch the sunset. Don’t lie to us, Ken — you were loving every minute of it!
The next morning, Paul has finally arrived (since he had to take a later flight as well), but Kim is still M.I.A., as she decided that the second plane was too early for her. (Remember that one Ben Franklin quote about being early to bed and early to rise? Somewhere, because of Kim's behavior, Ben Franklin has just shed a single tear.) Paul also tells Adrienne that Kim was acting strangely on the flight and spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Good thing Brandi wasn’t on the plane to comment about it.
Camille and Brandi are lounging by the pool, discussing their favorite conversation topic (which is hot guys, in case you couldn’t guess). They also get cucumber slices placed on their eyes, like normal people do. Then, Lisa and Ken walk over, and Lisa is shocked by Brandi’s almost-nonexistent bikini. Lisa also uses the phrase “butt floss,” which is one of those phrases that we wish we could delete from our memory, but sadly we never will. (Thanks a lot, Lisa!)
But the most memorable moment of the episode is saved for last. We had seen Taylor attending a therapy session without Russell, in which the therapist helped Taylor realize that Russell never takes accountability for his actions. So while Lisa and Kyle are on the beach, they receive a call from Taylor, saying that she has left Russell, and that he’ll be moving his stuff out this weekend. Suddenly, whether or not Brandi called Kim’s boyfriend a “gay Bullmastiff” is seeming a lot less important in the scheme of things.
So Kyle and Lisa are relieved that Taylor has finally left Russell. We kinda feel that it’s tough that the ladies are all partying on a beach in Hawaii while Taylor is carrying out a huge and difficult decision, but we also are glad that Taylor has made this decision to move on with her life. And we can’t imagine that Taylor is all that sad to be missing out on seeing 99.9% of Brandi’s backside.
So it was an episode full of funny moments and priceless quotes — including Lisa discussing the fact that Ken ran into Cedric, a.k.a. the “life roach” — but also some touching ones. But now we could use a snack. Cucumber, anyone?