Credit: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo © NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Kim, Taylor, Mauricio, and Kyle in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3 Premiere

Time to bust out your rubber sheets and take your Maserati for a test spin! That’s right Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has returned for Season 3, and we adore this episode so much that we want to write a love note about it. And just a pointer: If your flower arrangement requires eight people to carry it, it might be overkill.

New Housewives, New Sports Cars, Same Tension

The episode, “Down and Left Out in Beverly Hills,” begins with everyone getting re-acquainted, including Brandi Glanville being the first to check out Lisa Vanderpump’s new home because, uh, she’s a “racer.” Does that mean that being the first person to see someone’s new home counts as cardio?

Brandi has picked out an oh-so-thoughtful housewarming gift for Lisa and Ken: Rubber sheets and a tequila gun. We love Lisa and Ken’s perplexed reactions as they try to play along but clearly have zero idea what they’re holding. C’mon, Lisa and Ken we all know that sleeping in cotton sheets and drinking alcohol out of glasses is for squares!

Lisa mentions her upcoming Villa Blanca party, which everyone is invited to except Adrienne Maloof. Bold move! As you might expect, things feel tense in the room that is, until Brandi makes a joke about Lisa being old. Tension relieved.

We catch up with Kyle Richards and Mauricio Umansky, who has surprised Kyle with a brand new Maserati with a bow on it. (What stores even sell those giant car-sized bows?) It’s official: Mauricio is the greatest husband ever, and no man even comes close. Mauricio then tells Kyle, “I got the one you wanted,” as if there were a kind of Maserati that someone wouldn’t want.

We also meet love-note addict Yolanda Foster and her music producer husband, David. Yolanda tells us about her three kids from ex-husband Mohamed, and considering we saw Mohamed’s sex dungeon from last season, it’s a wonder they only have three kids.

Credit: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo © NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Taylor in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3 Premiere

Who Doesn’t Want To Hear Their Mom Talk About Random Guys’ Tongues?

Kim Richards is helping her 16-year-old daughter Kimberly prepare for prom, so they go to Kim’s sister Kathy’s place, which has more wardrobe selections than most boutiques.

Kimberly also has to endure her mother making weird wordplay out of the word “boutonniere,” along with regaling them all with stories of her first French kiss. Kimberly tells Kathy, “I’ll be right back to try on dresses, but first I’m just gonna go throw up.”

Then, Kyle comes over, and Kim’s mood gets a lot less jovial. Kim tells us that moving on after rehab has been a struggle, and that she still resents some of the things that Kyle has said to her over the years.

Kim then tells Kyle that Kimberly’s prom date is actually 20 years old, but they’re apparently waiting until marriage. And that’s great and all but, uh, has Kim met a 20-year-old guy before? They’re not crazy about waiting for things.

Kyle’s daughter Portia is fast approaching her fourth birthday, and she’s also basically the cutest thing we ever did see. Portia wants to call everyone to invite them to her party, so she calls Taylor and asks her “Who’s this?” before saying her own name. Adorable! But her best moment might have been when she kept referring to Lisa as “dahling.” Cuteness overload!

Then, it’s time to call Lisa, but Portia just happens to call at the exact moment when Brandi is also at Lisa’s place. (Quite the coincidence, dontcha think?) So Kyle tells Brandi, “Come to the party and bring your boys, but try to make sure they pee before they get there, m’kay?” (We all remember Season 2’s outdoor urination debacle, yes?)

And if that wasn’t awkward enough, Taylor Armstrong accidentally spills the beans about Lisa’s party to Adrienne, not knowing she wasn’t invited. So Taylor invites Adrienne on a shopping trip to prepare for the party because it’s not bad enough that Adrienne wasn’t invited to the party, but now she has to spend her free time shopping for it, too. Fun times all around.

Credit: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo © NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Kyle and Kim in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3 Premiere

Birthday Buddies!

It’s finally time for the lavish party at Villa Blanca. Right away, we see the almost-naked “angels” greeting the visitors, and as Kyle puts it, we would expect nothing less from Lisa. First to arrive to the party are Yolanda and Kim, who hit it off immediately as they have their “water party.”

Kyle and hubby arrive, and Lisa tells Mauricio that she’s not crazy about his stubble. (How dare you try to change our Mauricio, Lisa! He’s perfect!) Brandi arrives and greets Yolanda by saying that it’s easy to have slept with the entire town. Uh, y’know how Brandi called herself a “slut” last season? Well, this comment earns a similar reaction from the ladies. At least Brandi’s consistent.

Brandi walks over to the group where Taylor and Kim are chatting. Taylor tells us that she’s not excited about talking to Brandi, and Brandi tells us she’s not excited about talking to Kim. Feel the love in the room! Immediately, Kim is like “hi and bye,” as she jets to find Yolanda.

Kyle warns Taylor and Kim that she was arm-twisted into inviting Brandi to Portia’s party, and Kim immediately informs Kyle that she might not go to Portia’s party, since her kids will be with her. We see Kim and Kyle try to talk this out, but there is clearly a ton of tension between these two. If only Portia were here to ease the tension by calling everyone “dahling.”

And then Yolanda comes over, and suddenly these women list off more zodiac signs in a 30-second span than anyone ever has done before. Yolanda tells Kim that she and Kyle have the same birthday, thinking Kim will be excited, but Kim sorta rolls her eyes. In other words, it’s safe to say Kim hasn’t started picking out Kyle’s birthday present quite yet.

Stop and Smell the (Millions of) Roses

Finally, Lisa is informed that a flower delivery is being made. However, calling this a bouquet of flowers is like telling someone that you bought them some chocolates, and then handing them the deed to the Hershey factory.

It turns out that the flowers are from Adrienne. (“Remember me?”) None of the ladies can believe how large the arrangement is, since it kinda looks like Adrienne had the entirety of Central Park uprooted and shipped to Villa Blanca. Lisa finds it strange that Adrienne would send this, and Yolanda concludes that these ladies have a ton of drama. Well put, Yolanda.

So what did you think of Adrienne’s gift? Obviously, a gift is a nice gesture, and it does seem that Adrienne wishes she and Lisa were still close. Still, it’s hard to not construe the flowers as some effort to make Lisa feel guilty, or to underscore the fact that she wasn’t invited. However, we’ve never seen a petty side to Adrienne, so we’re trying to believe that this wasn’t the case.

And what did you think of Yolanda? She might want to tone down the whole “I built every inch of this home with my bare hands” thing, but otherwise we love her romantic side, and we think it’s great that she’s befriended Kim.

Speaking of Kim, we’re glad she seems to be in a better place. Of course, we wish she and Kyle were on better terms by now, so we’re hoping they continue to work things out. Maybe Kyle can take Kim out on a ride in her Maserati as a gesture of goodwill? We can certainly say that we would appreciate a ride in the Maserati (hint, hint, Kyle).

All in all, it just felt great to get back to spending time with our girls. We’re beyond excited for all the parties and chaos that this season promises to offer. In the meantime, we could use a drink but preferably not out of a gun. Bye, dahlings!


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