Who wants to party when you can sit down and argue? In our Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap of Season 3, Episode 14, things get white-knuckled at the White Party. So it’s time to spit out your gum, blow up your inflatable octopus, and wipe off your self-tanner!

Meet the Nose

What’s the point of getting a nose job if you can’t have an elaborate unveiling for your new schnoz? Apparently, that’s Kim Richards thought process in this week’s episode, “White Party Pooper,” as the ladies gather at Kim’s for their first glimpse at the newly reshaped nose. What  isn’t that what you and your friends do for fun?

We assumed that the only drama at the “nose quinceanera,” as Kyle Richards calls, would be Kyle forcing Marisa Zanuck to spit her gum into her hand. (Again, isn’t that what you do when your friends are chewing gum?) But things get even more strange when Taylor Armstrong calls Kim to say that a guy whom she’s known for a while has told her he loves her and is whisking her off to Beaver Creek.

Taylor’s comments during the phone conversation are a bit odd, as she seems surprised that her daughter Kennedy is currently at Kyle’s home. Kyle tells Kim she didn’t know Taylor was seeing anybody, while Kim is worried that Taylor sounds tipsy. Lots of mysteries so far.

The big moment has arrived, as Kim’s doctor removes her bandages. Kim’s new nose looks great, although we must say it doesn’t look that different from her old nose. Whatever makes you happy, right?

Meanwhile, what seems to make Adrienne Maloof happy is telling everyone that Paul is a surgeon and could have done an equally good job on Kim’s nose, as if she’s trying to drum up business for Paul. Then again, we can’t really blame Adrienne for knowing a plastic surgery-loving crowd when she sees one.

Where There’s Smoke

Then, we go from someone with an improved sense of smell, to some people who aren’t liking what they’re smelling. That’s right  Adrienne and Paul are at home later when they smell smoke, and they realize that Lisa Vanderpump’s old home is on fire. For once, when we say that things are heating up on this show, we mean it literally.

Paul wants everyone to stay in the home, while Adrienne and the kids hop in the car to hightail it out of there. She invites Paul to get in, but he wants to stay at the house, and so we see him taking photos of Lisa’s old house as it burns. Speaking of smoke, we may have seen smoke coming out of Adrienne’s ears as she drove away, but maybe that was just us.

Over at Kyle’s place, things are tense for a very different reason, as Kyle scrambles to prepare for her annual White Party. Kyle is freaking out  and understandably so  because her party planner has inexplicably decided to inflate a giant white octopus on the roof. It’s as if her party is being attacked by Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

The ladies start arriving: Taylor tells Kim about the great time she had with her mystery man, while Kyle and Lisa stress about wearing the same shoes. Meanwhile, Brandi Glanville points out a hot guy at the party named Jonathan who works with Mauricio, and she apparently wants to suck on the gap between his teeth. Thanks for that visual, Brandi.

Who Doesn’t Carry Email Print-Outs Around With Them at a Party?

Brandi is nervous when Adrienne and Paul arrive, although the party begins harmlessly enough. In fact, the only tense moment at first is Lisa pointing out that Adrienne’s self-tanner left a big stain on her white chair at last week’s tea party. Uh, isn’t this taking place in LA during the summer? Is self-tanner really necessary?

Brandi wants to defuse the tension between her and the Maloofs, so she asks a friend to convince Adrienne to come and talk one-on-one. However, Paul doesn’t want to Adrienne to go by herself, so he accompanies her. Frankly, we’re worried about what Paul might say, but we at least understand that he’d want to back up his wife.

The three sit down, and Paul tells her that they aren’t litigious, which baffles Brandi, who explains it wasn’t her choice to spend ten grand on a lawyer. Brandi then says they were saying things about her being a bad mother, and she pulls out emails from someone at Radar Online who apparently confirms that the Maloofs’ chef, Bernie, was giving information to the gossip website.

Meanwhile, Lisa tells Kyle that the same rules should be applied to Adrienne that were applied to Taylor last year when she and Russell weren’t allowed to attend the White Party because of a warning letter that Russell had sent to Camille Grammer. However, Kyle doesn’t want to add anymore drama. Uh, we think that ship has sailed, Kyle.

The Men Go At It Again

Brandi, Adrienne, and Paul are still bickering about whether Adrienne took legal action against Brandi. Paul admits that Brandi was warned and that they want Brandi to watch her mouth. However, Brandi says she won’t filter herself, and then she says, “Welcome to the United f**king States of America,” which we’re pretty sure isn’t what is said when you arrive at Ellis Island.

Things get worse when a bunch of guests suddenly barge in to join the fun. Ken tells Paul to finish his “bulls**t,” which Paul doesn’t appreciate. Ken explains that Adrienne’s accusation about Lisa selling stories affected her livelihood, but Paul fires back that Lisa’s “Maloof Hoof” comment did the same thing to Adrienne’s business. So much for making progress.

Taylor chimes in to say that what Paul and Adrienne are doing is similar to what got Taylor and Russell kicked out of the party last year, but Paul doesn’t agree. Paul and Taylor’s friend Dwight exchange words, with Paul telling Dwight to buzz off. Brandi finally leaves with Ken, as Paul mocks Brandi for calling Ken her boyfriend. So everything is solved now, right? Uh, hardly.

Another White Party, another night full of tension. We’re actually impressed that Brandi and the Maloofs kept things civil for the most part, although we’re now thinking that they’ll never see eye-to-eye. And Ken always cracks us up, but we’re not sure why he and Taylor really needed to interrupt the discussion. 
 
But this episode was quite juicy as far as romance was concerned, as both Taylor and Brandi appear to have their eyes on new guys. We hope to meet both of these lucky gents in the future.

In the meantime, we need to spit out our gum. Any takers?