Put on your beekeeper shoes and inject yourself with barnyard animal cells! In this week’s hilarious episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 3, Episode 5, “Girls Gone Ojai’ld,” we learn that nothing brings people together like drunken gymnastics. (This show offers such universal life lessons, no?)
So Many Book Deals
The episode begins with the aftermath of those four little words: “Shut the f**k up.” Lisa Vanderpump defends Brandi Glanville, while Kyle Richards isn’t in the same boat. Eventually, Brandi returns from the bathroom to say that she’s not up for apologizing for telling Adrienne Maloof to shut up, but she is sorry for the f-word. When it comes to repenting, you often have to take what you can get with these ladies.
The awkward dinner conversation isn’t over yet. Brandi mentions that she just got a book deal, and Taylor Armstrong is still upset that Brandi bashed her book. Plus, Adrienne mentions that she has a book deal, but Brandi apparently thinks that Adrienne only has the writing ability to be the next Dr. Seuss. (“I do not like green eggs and ham dinner in Ojai.”)
The next morning, Lisa tells Brandi that she just shouldn’t have used the f-word. Brandi points out that there’s still animosity between herself and Adrienne. According to B, Adrienne and Paul tried to get Brandi to side with them on Twitter over a fight with Lisa, but Brandi refused. Of course, we love Brandi’s way of putting it: “I’m not your puppet, bitch.” We’re guessing Pinocchio felt like saying the same thing to Gepetto at one time or another.
Then, the ladies join the others on a golf-cart joy ride. Both Lisa and Yolanda Foster are determined to show off their golf-cart driving prowess, so a leisurely drive suddenly turns into the death-defying chariot race from Ben-Hur. We’re surprised Kyle didn’t say, “If I wanted to risk my life in a vehicle, I would have stayed at home and let my daughter Alexia drive me around.”
Next up for the women is a little badminton, but let’s just say that their skills left a little something to be desired. Then again, we’re just happy that they managed to play an entire game of badminton without anyone making a lewd joke about “shuttlecocks.”
They head to the spa, where there’s a whole lot of rubbing going on, and Kim Richards gets a little too into it. Not much time has passed before suddenly they’re throwing hand towels at each other, followed by pitchers of water. For a bunch of women who were just in a huge argument the night before, perhaps playfully throwing things at each other isn’t the best way to keep things from escalating again.
It’s now time for dinner, and the food looks amazing and sophisticated. The conversation at dinner, on the other hand? A lot less sophisticated. Then again, who doesn’t discuss their C-sections over a fancy meal?
Also, we learn that Yolanda had a little lamb... injected into her body. Yes, Yolanda has lamb cells injected into her back to help with pain. Uh, isn’t that very similar to the way that most Marvel comic-book villains are created? (Seriously — the character Lizard in the new Spider-Man movie injects himself with lizard cells before coming an evil part-lizard beast. Just sayin’.)
Relax and Kick Your Feet Up
And then things get way sillier after dinner, once Yolanda and Kim call it a night and the booze really starts a-flowin’. Brandi beats everyone at arm wrestling — despite her claim that Adrienne cheated (is nothing sacred?) — and then it’s time for the 2012 Drunken Olympics.
So we’re not sure how many of those handstands we would have rated as 10’s, but we’re just glad that everyone was happy. Drunk and acting completely ridiculous, mind you — but happy. In the future, of course, the women might not want to tell Yolanda all about their boozy antics, as Yolanda makes it clear that she is no fan of a good bender.
On the ride home, the weekend seems to be ending on a positive note — so why not put an end to that immediately? At least, that appears to have been Kyle’s plan, as she brings up the f-bomb incident. Brandi and Adrienne disagree on how many times Adrienne pointed out Kim’s tears, along with whether Adrienne was trying to blame Brandi for causing those tears. So much for a stress-free commute.
All in all, the weekend could have been a lot worse, so we do have to give these women credit for managing to enjoy each other’s company after such a rocky start to the trip. Granted, “enjoy each other’s company” mostly involved throwing things at each other and getting wasted, but hey — whatever works.
We’re now interested in seeing how the Brandi-Adrienne feud plays out, not to mention whether Kyle and Yolanda continue to have trouble seeing eye-to-eye. In the meantime, we could use a snack — anything but lamb.
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