It was all about eyewear on Season 2, Episode 5 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. For our $25,000, we wouldn’t get a pair of sunglasses that looked as, well, ordinary as Dana Wilkey’s; we would only spend that much if they came with x-ray vision — or if they were the ones that Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business when he slid around in his tighty-whiteys. Either way.
Plenty of time was devoted to getting to know the new girls in tonight’s episode, entitled "25,000 Sunglasses?!." First up, Kyle Richards and Taylor Armstrong meet up at Dana’s for lunch; the soon-to-be bride greets them in a tiara, which is what all well-adjusted women wear, right?
Dana is also wearing a dress that shows off more cleavage than the ones in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Kyle asks if Dana is considering wearing that dress for her wedding, but since we’re fluent in Kyle-ese, we could tell she really wanted to say, “Please tell me you’re not wearing that at your wedding.” (Yet another reason why we love Kyle immensely.)
And speaking of being fluent, Dana also mentions that her 18-month-old son, John, can not only read and count but can also speak Thai. Uh… what? Perhaps she considers him fluent if he’s able to use the term “pad thai” in a sentence? And considering we later watch her son dump a bunch of water out of an outdoor pool, we’re gonna go out on a limb and predict that he’s not exactly a real-life Doogie Howser or anything.
Taylor and Brandi Glanville meet for drinks and bond over their similar situations. Brandi says that her now-ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian, is about to get remarried to LeAnn Rimes, but at least she scored a whopping settlement from him. (We’re starting to get the vibe that Brandi and her ex’s separation makes Lorena and John Wayne Bobbitt’s parting of ways seem amicable by comparison.)
Kim Richards’ storylines just seem to get increasingly sadder. Kim shows framed photos of her kids to her housekeeper, who apparently did not get the memo on how you should at least pretend to seem interested when your boss is talking to you. You know it’s a bad sign when someone would rather do your laundry for you than listen to you tell a story.
Adrienne Maloof decides to have a barbecue, and we can’t verify this, but we’re guessing that, for weeks prior to getting invited to it, Dana was saying over and over to herself, “Please let me get invited to a party where I can show off my new sunglasses, please let me get invited to a party where I can show off my new sunglasses…” Sure enough, she explains to basically anyone who will listen that she
uses her shopping purchases to pump up her feelings of self-worth is way too concerned about UV protection. (And maybe it’s just us, but we lose our sunglasses roughly three times a month. We hope Lloyds of London insures shades.)
Next, it’s Brandi’s turn to act somewhat strangely. First, she watches her son strip naked next to the pool and pee on the ground, and she acts as if this is no big deal. Then, Camille Grammer starts talking about the size of ex-husband Kelsey’s, uh, let’s say “woody” and pretend we’re talking about the character from his show Cheers. So Brandi abruptly uses a word that starts with the letter “c” and rhymes with “mock,” as in, “The ladies on this show love to mock Brandi when she says things that she should have kept to herself.”
And sadly, Lisa Vanderpump is nowhere to be found to make her typically hilarious commentary on all her wacky acquaintances, since she's busy appearing on CNN to analyze the royal wedding. We think that our very own "Princess Lisa" — as she was referred to last week — is perfect for this role. (Who better to dissect pampered-and-fabulous Brits than another pampered-and-fabulous Brit?) But the other ladies are skeptical that she is qualified for such a gig. Basically, they feel that Lisa discussing British royalty is akin to Harrison Ford being allowed to tinker around with your car's engine just because he shares his name an automobile company.
So we totally adored this episode, which left approximately zero doubt that these new ladies can bring the drama. Now if you'll excuse us, it's getting late — it's time to put on our $25,000 sleep mask and call it a night. (And yes, we'll probably be dreaming of that Tom Cruise-in-his-tighty-whiteys scene. Don't judge.)