It was all about fake tans and fake apologies on tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And as always, the episode provided plenty of wisdom, including these life lessons: 1) If Adrienne ever invites you over for chicken, you should definitely eat before you go; 2) Describing the sounds that a trampoline makes will cause you to sound kinda crazy; and 3) If you own a secret bedroom that's concealed by a sliding wall, well, we don't even know what to say about you.
The episode, "The Opposite of Relaxation," began with some comic relief, as Lisa has to convince Adrienne not to wash her chicken with soap. (In other words, Adrienne’s kids apparently get their mouths washed out with soap on a regular basis, whether they use a bad word or not.) And a note to Adrienne: When you have to ask your personal chef where ingredients as simple as salt and pepper are kept, it might be time to spend a little more time in the kitchen.
Lisa is preparing for Pandora’s engagement party, which is when it’s nice to have extravagantly wealthy friends, regardless of how borderline creepy they might be. Mohamed, that’s your cue to enter!
Lisa indeed stops by Mohamed Hadid’s palatial estate to discuss the party plans, and Mohamed is accompanied by a young woman named Julia. We don’t exactly know who Julia is, since she doesn’t actually say anything at any point. However, we can surmise that she’s either: 1) his girlfriend; or 2) there to sell him Girl Scout cookies. (We kid, we kid! She’s definitely of age! By at least a few years!)
Mohamed is planning an Arabian Nights theme party, so he asks Lisa if it's okay if he brings a camel to the party. (In case you're keeping score, "asking someone if he can bring a camel to a party" is Reason #3,726 why Mohamed's life is different from our lives.)
Mohamed then gives Lisa a tour of his place. And to be honest, we're sure that Lisa’s already gotten that tour many times before, but the only type of person who would own such a ridiculously large home is also the type of person who constantly wants to take people on tours of it.
And sure, it was fun to see his place, but the one room we didn’t need to see? That secret bedroom. He’s like, “Here’s my dining room that looks a banquet hall where a king would be eating a leg of mutton; here’s my 92nd bathroom; and here’s my creepy tantric sex dungeon. What’s that — you think it’s weird that I assume that guests at your daughter’s engagement party will needing a place for 'some rest'? Isn’t that what people do at parties?”
And then the rest of the episode was devoted to Adrienne’s incredibly awkward spa day, although we’re not sure if it was more awkward for the ladies (since Kyle, Kim, and Brandi were all there), or for the young male waiters who had to stand around holding Champagne flutes and getting ogled by the women. (We’ll call it a draw.)
The ladies all show up for a day of pampering, since Adrienne apparently runs a Sunset Tan franchise out of her second story. Adrienne not only owns her own tanning booth (which caused giggly Camille to shriek while using it, for no apparent reason), but she also owns various other weird beauty machines, several of which emit weird laser beams and look a lot like weapons that a Bond villain would have used.
And speaking of Bond villains, Brandi was certainly getting treated like one. Adrienne does her best to make peace between everyone but decides that Brandi needs to apologize to Kyle and Kim, in order for everyone to truly move on from the game night that has seemingly caused more horrific flashbacks than ‘Nam. Brandi isn’t thrilled about the idea, but she at least agrees to speak with Kyle. (Nothing wrong with baby steps.)
When Kyle and Brandi do talk, things are still heated, and though they agree that they might never be best friends, they at least seem to end on a peaceful note. However, Taylor then tries to get Brandi to talk to Kim, too, which makes Brandi promptly realize that there's something else she needs to be doing at that exact moment. It's like in cartoons, when someone leaves a place so quickly that a cloud of dust remains in the shape of where they used to be. ("Where's Brandi?" "Oh, she ran out of here so fast that she sprinted through the wall and left behind that hole in the shape of her body.")
Then again, based on Kim’s behavior tonight, it was a good idea that Brandi not try to force conversation with her, since Kim had vowed to ignore her. Among Kim’s more choice quotes was a line about “sleeping with the fishes,” which she does in a weird, Mafia-esque accent. (In other words, Kim, if you are serious about getting back into acting, you might want to hire a dialect coach first.)
So the episode ends, and we’re not sure that any progress has been made at all. Kim still hates Brandi more than most people hate airport security, and she even has a moment where she resents Kyle for talking to Brandi. Plus, now Lisa seems even more opposed to Brandi than ever before, while Camille continues to let more and more negative things trickle out as the talks to the camera about Kyle. Oy.
So this week was pretty hilarious, and next week promises to be even better, as we meet a guy who appears to be Kim’s boyfriend. If anyone needs us, we’ll be on our camel.