Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Oh, Real Housewives. Why do you always fight on vacation? Picking up where Season 7, Episode 2 left off, this week’s Real Housewives of Orange County opens with Vicki and boyfriend Brooks pondering the age-old adage: Should I drink my liquor before or after my beer to avoid the “never been sicker” condition? Trick question! Vicks is sticking to wine. Meanwhile, Eddie and Tamra are having a heart to heart, as couples are wont to do after one has forced a near stranger to feel her up. Yep, Eddie is quite peeved that Tamra put Brooks’ hand on her breast, while she’s upset that Eddie and Vicki got all flirty-flirty with their high fives and astrological sign swapping. Cut to Vicki and Brooks, who are too busy bantering with their waiter to fight over such trivialities. We now return to our regularly scheduled Tamra hyperventilation. Later, they rejoin Vicki and Brooks, and Tamra blathers about not wanting to see her best friends touching. All is forgiven with the promise of body shoots. Woo.

Back in the O.C., newcomer Heather and her husband, Terry, are enjoying a ritzy rooftop meal. They are clearly Orange County’s answer to Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif: lots of good-natured bickering. “Honey, what will you be sending back tonight?” Terry asks Heather when the waiter arrives. Comedy gold! Who knew plastic surgeons could be so funny? He and Dr. Paul should do some sort of routine. As Heather describes the get-together she’s throwing for the Housewives, she starts to win us over. “If nothing else, we’ll have free hors d’oeuvre and champagne,” she says. If nothing else? What more do you need? Then in her confessional, Heather says she’s not having a bunch of strangers over to her house. Amen, sister. Looks like she heard Tamra’s warning about the ladies’ drink-throwing ways loud and clear.

Gretchen exits her house in her short shorts and tennis boots — don’t ask. Though she loves her man, she’s a little skeptical when Slade tells her about his next project: stand-up comedy. Apparently he thinks going on stage is pretty much the same as sitting in the audience, only more fun. Oh boy. Maybe he should see if Terry has any jokes to lend him?

The day after the boob brouhaha (by the way, this episode is the most times “boob” has been said on television since The Man Show was on the air), Tamra, Vicki, Brooks, and Eddie are headed off on a boat adventure. Tamra’s looking a little worse for the tequila shots as she stumbles from the bathroom post-vomiting, but she and Eddie make a pact not to let members of the opposite sex touch them. Let’s hope neither ever needs the Heimlich maneuver. Then the two have a nauseating discussion about which one of them is a hot dog stand versus a taco stand. Again, don’t ask. At this point, we feel a little sea sick.

Once Vicki and Tamra have returned from Catalina, Heather calls all the girls to invite them for a painting party. A what? None of the Housewives seem to grasp what kind of event they’re attending, but they all agree to come anyway. Next up, we see Tamra and Gretchen giggling over toys in a sex shop. They spend upwards of $200, but the advice they learn (certain intimate acts cause wrinkles) is priceless.

A painting party without carb-less snacks is like an O.C. event without a catfight. We have to hand it to Heather — she did Tamra a solid by having her personal caterer prepare only the Atkins-friendliest edibles. Perhaps that’s not the best idea when you’re also serving copious amounts of drinks. (Brian, the caterer, was quite proud of his low-sugar, high-alcohol ice wine.)
Vicki is the first to arrive at Heather’s painting party, followed by Tamra, who’s been feeling queasy lately, leading the ladies to joke that she might be pregnant. Gretchen and Alexis are late, gabbing in the limo about the custom-made bracelet Tamra gave Gretchen. Alexis isn’t really sure the two can truly make up, regardless of the tacky jewelry.

When the latecomers finally show up, they ladies stand around in a circle. The talk turns to sex, which shocks Heather. “Oh my,” she says, insisting that she doesn’t like to talk about “private bedroom moments.” These ladies are going to eat her alive. Timree, the painting teacher, soon arrives, and Vicki doesn’t believe her name is real. Um, she has met Tamra, right?

As the ladies work on their art, Vicki and Alexis bond over their mutual dislike of the Gretchen-Tamra reunion. They giggle and fawn over each other’s paintings. Heather is stuck between Gretchen and Tamra and primly discusses her time as an actress and singer. If we were Gretchen, we’d be saying inappropriate things just to try and make her blush.

Once the manual labor is over, the ladies retire to the divans. Terry comes to collect Heather, and this couple has their routine down. Terry says they’ve had five great years together — too bad they’ve been married for 12. Heather exits to throw back a glass of champagne. Of course, he’s joking. (Seriously, Slade should put him into his comedy act.) A few minutes later, Brooks shows up. Are these significant others or designated drivers? Vicki leaves without hugging Tamra, which leaves the latter miffed.

Someone else is about to be mad at Vicki. Gretchen comes home to find Slade cooking spaghetti. She informs him that there have been all kinds of rumors about Vicki’s boyfriend, Brooks. Apparently he hasn’t been paying child support, which is the very thing Vicki said she didn’t like about Slade. The word “hypocritical” gets thrown around a lot, but Gretchen fears she shouldn’t have told Slade. She just wants to make amends with the ladies, while he wants nothing to do with them. Maybe everyone just needs a round of body shots?

Next week, Vicki’s daughter has a health scare, and Heather tires to suss out Alexis’ journalistic integrity.