Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Heather Dubrow in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

This week, the Housewives were muddy and bloody. In the previous episode, there was a lot of recovery — from surgery and from a chopper ride to L.A. In Season 7, Episode 8 of Real Housewives of Orange County, someone’s about to have a spending hangover.

Heather Dubrow and hubby Terry visit David Heil for a wardrobe makeover. Scrubs and clogs are Terry’s standard fare, but David warns him that tailored clothing becomes addictive. The clothier gets him started with a few basics (three suits, a tux)… which add up to $50,000. In Heather’s opinion, the price tag could’ve been worse — if they’d been shopping for her wardrobe from scratch.

Moving on to Tamra and her boyfriend Eddie, the couple is at the gym. In addition to getting in great shape, Tamra tells her personal trainer/boy toy that working out is her new therapy. In fact, Tamra’s so inspired by herself that she wants to open a personal fitness studio. As Tamra uses the gym’s equipment, her chest is on full display in her skimpy tank top, and she tells Eddie that she’ll be out of commission for five days once she gets her breast reduction surgery. He seems a little forlorn that he won’t have access to the goods while she’s on the mend, but Tamra tells the camera that her bouncy behind is good enough for Eddie. Speaking of asses, while the couple stretches, we also see that Mr. Judge is so flexible, he can basically bend over and kiss his own.

There’s good news in the Gunvalson house when Briana calls her mom, Vicki, to tell her she doesn’t have cancer. Despite a scary surgery where they removed her thyroid, several tumors, and some lymph nodes, Briana will be fine, though she must take medication every day for the rest of her life to compensate for the missing gland. Vicki’s relieved, and Briana is as positive as ever. The next phone call Vicki makes is to Tamra to share the good news.

Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Gretchen Rossi in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

Over at Heather’s house, Tamra decides she’s found the new space for her workout studio: Her new friend’s personal gym. Heather’s house is ginormous. As the ladies do some reps, they discuss the charity mud run they’re participating in. Tamra has invited Gretchen and Slade — but the blonde’s boyfriend is only on the list because she and Tamra are trying to work things out. Heather wonders if she and Alexis got off on the wrong foot like Tamra and Gretchen, but her workout buddy assures her, “No, she’s an idiot.” Speaking of Alexis, she’s still recovering from her sinus surgery — and Tamra is still skeptical that it wasn’t just a flat-out nose job. Trust us Tam, we saw the gunk that came out of her face, and it was the real deal.

Guess who else gets to see photos of Alexis’s sinus detritus? Gretchen! She visits her friend — five days after her surgery is over. While Alexis seems happy to see her pal, she tells the camera she wishes Gretchen had come sooner. Lady, you’re still wearing a surgical mask like some sort of Elephant Woman! Maybe Alexis will bring the photos of her surgically removed nose blockage when she and Tamra go to lunch — Alexis says she wants to invite her not-quite frenemy out to find out why she doesn’t like her. It seems like Gretchen approves of the plan, because of how much drama she and Tamra went through, but Alexis still seems wary of the alliance between the two.

While Terry was pumping up his wardrobe, Vicki was trimming down hers. She cleaned out her closet for Working Wardrobes — a charity that provides professional clothing for women who have been out of the workforce or struggle to afford an outfit for job interviews. As Tamra and Vicki go through the closet, Vicki points out that some of Donn’s clothes are still there. Vicki says she’s really never lived alone, and she isn’t liking it. Though Brooks is very attentive, Tamra confides to the camera that she isn’t sure if it’s real or staged. Vick and Tam commiserate over their divorces and trying to get an ex to sign the papers. When you have to get a lawyer involved, the legal term for which is fornication, according to Vicki. Well, someone probably will get screwed, Vicks.

It’s the day of the mud run, and everyone has their professional, personalized shirts. Except Slade, who wrote “Comic” using several different magic markers. Gretchen is surprised that La Di Da Fancy Pants, a.k.a. Heather, is running through the muck. And it is messy. Everyone gets covered head to toe in the stuff, and Terry complains, “I’m a doctor, not a mud wrestler!” It’s a good thing the doc is there, because Gretchen twists her ankle. He tells her to stop because continuing could turn a small thing into a big thing. Gretchen’s worried about her upcoming Pussycat Dolls performance, which is two weeks away.

Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Alexis Bellino in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

It’s time for Alexis’s cast to come off, though her nose is still broken. There’s a lot of high-pitched noises as her doctor removes the cast, but she’s happy with the result. The bump is gone, and Alexis thinks it will help her appearance when she hosts on Fox 5 News.

The mud run continues, and this time it’s Eddie who gets hurt. His finger breaks, and Dr. Terry pops it back into place. Dr. Terry, will you follow us around in case we get injured? Meanwhile, his wife, Heather, impresses everyone by dropping her prissiness and getting down and dirty. “I’ve been changing diapers for eight years,” she brags to the camera, which sounds like one of Dante’s levels of hell to us, but it proves that a little mud doesn’t scare her. Eddie’s finger is still bothering him, but Tamra is macho enough for the both of them. “I’m a boy with a vagina,” she tells the camera, which is Tamra for “I’m a tomboy.” Once the run is over, the ladies hose down, and Terry enjoys the impromptu wet T-shirt show.

Once everyone is all cleaned up — and dried off — Slade and Eddie compare injuries, new and old. Though Gretchen wants Eddie to accept her boyfriend in the hopes that Tamra will then ease up on him, Slade’s stories about being a professional bike rider and going to the Tour de France in 1993 aren’t impressing Tam. “It’s very hard for me to wrap my brain around what Gretchen’s thinking with Slade,” Tamra tells the camera. “He lives off his girlfriend, doesn’t have a job … Get away from this man!” It’s going to take more than comparing broken body  parts and bonding over bicycles for Tamra to want to double date with Gretchen and Slade.

Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Tamra Barney in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

If you’ve wondered how Brooks can spend half his time in Mississippi — where his business is — and half his time in the OC with his lady, Vicki helpfully explains what he does. Sort of. She can’t really give him a title other than “entrepreneur” and “consultant.” Then she does the shifty eyes. Over martinis, Brooks gushes about how much he loves Vicki, which makes her tear up. She feels guilty for being happy while Donn isn’t. It then turns into a conversation about how Vicki misses her daddy. It’s pretty clear how much she relies on Brooks for comfort and support.

Tamra’s about to be a “free bitch,” as she tells Eddie on the way to get her divorce paper signed. It turns out the phone call was all bravado, because Tamra breaks down the second she steps into her lawyer’s office. There are some flashback montages of the good times and bad with Simon. “I’m having second thoughts about what I’m doing and why,” Tamra says. Her lawyer asks if she still wants to go through with it. Tamra agrees and waives spousal support, saying she only wants to be tied to Simon through their kids. After she signs, she says it’s weird after waiting so long for the day to come.

“I’m not good,” Tamra cries to Vicki on the phone when she exits her lawyer’s office. While she expected to celebrate the occasion, Tamra feels like she signed the past 15 years of her life away. Yet she says it’s time for her to move on.

Next week, Tamra gets something else off her chest (her breast implants), Gretchen will put her pipes to the test, and Alexis and her husband discuss their combined flesh. 

 

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