Credit: Splash News

Uh oh! We knew things couldn’t stay kosher between these ladies for long! Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7, Episode 4 begins at Vicki Gunvalson’s house, when Tamra shows up all super glam even though it’s about 7 a.m. Tell-it-like-it-is Tamra wastes no time and calls Vicki out for skipping out on last week’s painting party without saying bye to her.

Vicki has her own bone to pick with Tamra about her newfound friendship with Gretchen, who isn’t exactly Vicki’s No. 1 fan. Vicki’s not only jealous of Gretchen and Tamra’s friendship, she’s also worried the blonde babes will gang up on her. Wait, is this Real Housewives or Mean Girls? We don’t see no Lindsay Lohan! Anyway,  Vicki eloquently explains her feelings on the friendship to the camera: “It sucks.” Later, she says she questions whether Tamra and Gretchen truly like each other. “I want everything to be real,” Vicki says. Well, good luck with that in this circle of friends, girlfriend.

Elsewhere, Alexis meets newbie Housewife Heather Dubrow for sushi. Heather puts in an order for some sake, which is a huge red flag that this lunch is not going to go well. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from seven seasons of RHoOC, it’s that these women and alcohol do not mix. So, Alexis tells Heather she’s a news anchor (which is a whole other topic — since when does  hosting a show on “Booty Awareness Month” make you news anchor?), the brunette manages to insult Alexis without her even knowing. “So are you more like a Jillian Barberie or a Katie Couric?” she asks. Oh please. You already know the answer to that one. And the rest of the lunch isn’t much better. Heather accuses Alexis of shutting her down at the painting party, and while both women try to defend their positions on myriad topics as politely as possible, we think it’s safe to say these two are not on the same page.

Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Tamra Barney in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

Over at Gretchen’s house, Slade is practicing a comedic performance for his mom. Slade! A comedian! Seriously though, that’s the only funny thing about his performance. Even his mom, who is of course his only audience, can’t pretend his jokes are funny. “The dogs really are more entertaining at this point than you are,” she says. Harsh, but true. And then, Slade drops a bomb on his mom, telling her he’s contemplating proposing to Gretchen. Her response? “No, no!” But then she says she doesn’t want to rain on his parade and to go for it, so we’ll see.

Speaking of dropping bombs, Tamra’s boyfriend Eddie drops one of his own by asking Tamra if she wants to move in! Tamra is surprisingly level-headed about it all. We mean, not only is she still married, she also doesn’t seem too keen on moving into a man’s house when she’s unsure about their future. Eddie insists that he thinks they’ll take the next step, but it sounds like Tamra’s not even ready for the first one.

Meanwhile, Slade’s been reworking his comedy act, and has decided his new segment will be called “In the News” and will poke fun at Gretchen’s fellow housewives. Gretchen — who just recently mended fences with longtime frenemy Tamra — is not amused. “I’m not trying to be a dick,” he says. Right. Slade’s clearly still fired up about Vicki’s hypocritical blunder we found out about last week. “Don’t you realize I’m the one that’s going to take the flack for it?” Gretchen says, to which Slade lovingly replies that he doesn’t care.

And then, it’s showtime! While Gretchen’s freaking out backstage, the rest of the ladies including Heather and Alexis are finding their seats. Heather informs the group that she used to do stand-up. We’re pretty sure there’s nothing she hasn’t done. Gretchen basically bombs her set, but like she says, “when all else fails, get naked!” so she strips her clothes off to the audience’s delight.

Credit: Michael Rosenthal/Bravo © 2012 NBC Universal, Inc. Photo: Vicki Gunvalson in The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7

Meanwhile, Tamra and Eddie discuss their future over fondue. In tears, she admits she doesn’t feel ready to move in and — gasp! — does not want to be a housewife again. Well, that’s news to us!

Back at the Improv, Slade takes the stage. Not only are his jokes horrible, he also does a jerky, totally awkward chicken-type dance across the stage at one point that literally makes us cringe. We don’t know what that was, but we don’t like it. In fact, the only person who seems to be enjoying Slade’s shenanigans is Alexis. As for the rest of the comedians who are actually funny? She says she “doesn’t get them.”

But it only gets worse: Slade’s next segment about the Housewives is even worse than we thought! Not only did he say Tamra should kick the carbs, he compared Vicki to Miss Piggy. “If we weren’t all here would our pictures be up on the screen?” Heather muses, mouth agape. Wait, was that rhetorical, ‘cause we’re pretty sure we know the answer.

On to a much more serious matter: Vicki’s daughter Briana has been sick for three years and has had tumors cropping up all over. Now, the surgeons have pinpointed the problem, and they have to perform surgery on her thyroid. Vicki’s losing it, but Briana seems to be taking it all in stride. We hope this is the beginning of recovery for Briana.

In the car ride home, Gretchen’s almost in tears over Slade’s segment and all the drama it’s inevitably going to cause with her castmates. Slade keeps saying he cares about Gretchen’s feelings, but clearly, he doesn’t and just wants an eye for an eye. How old are we again?

Next week, Tamra threatens Slade’s balls. Can’t wait!

 

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