An episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills without a snappy Lisa Vanderpump quip is like a day without sunshine. Her witty take on the crazy drama is one of the main reasons we’re going through RHoBH withdrawal. So here are Lisa’s funniest, boldest lines from the entire season (although picking our favorites was kinda like ranking our own children). Because Lisa is like movie-theatre popcorn — we just can’t get enough!
20. The husbands didn’t seem to mind. (Episode 1.3: “Plenty of Baggage”)
Lisa: Camille’s dancing was, like... she was really shaking it and moving it. I think all that’s missing was a pole, really.
19. It’s officially part of the lexicon now. (Episode 1.6: “The Art of War”)
Lisa: I fell like I’ve been shagged through a hedge backwards.
Kyle: Wait, isn’t shagged…
Kyle: I thought you said, “shagged.”
Lisa: Maybe I did.
18. Lisa is crestfallen. (Episode 1.7: “My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion”)
Lisa (about Cedric): I was very disappointed to see that under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse.
17. Kim finds her happy place. (Episode 1.1: “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Wealthiness”)
Lisa: It was all good fun, but Kim seemed much more reserved and much more on the outside. Maybe she went back to Witch Mountain.
16. Camille didn’t get mad. She got everything. (Episode 1.14: “Reunion, Part 1”)
Lisa (about Kelsey Grammer and his fiancée Kayte Walsh not getting a prenup): He won’t need one, ‘cause he won’t have any money left.
15. We’re guessing Lisa’s not referring to a thumbs up. (Episode 1.8: “Charity Cases”)
Weird old guy at the DMV: How many fingers am I holding up?
Lisa: Not as many as I’ll be holding up in a minute.
14. Can we borrow those books? (Episode 1.3: “Plenty of Baggage”)
Lisa: Taylor was playing with that cotton candy. She was kind of licking it and chewing it. Doing things that I had only read about in books.
13. Cue the rim shot. (Episode 1.15: “Reunion, Part 2”)
Andy Cohen: Did everyone here sign prenups?
Lisa: They didn’t exist when we got married!
Lisa (about Kim): Should she get married again? I don’t know. She’s tried it three times — maybe she’s not much good at it.
11. Lisa only expectorates under extenuating circumstances. (Episode 1.12: “Turn, Turn, Turn”)
Lisa: The thing is with wine tasting, is you don’t swallow — you spit. It kinda goes against everything I’ve ever been taught, really.
10. Everyone has different dreams. (Episode 1.1: “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Wealthiness”)
Kyle: Here’s to hoping my boob doesn’t fall out.
Lisa: Here’s to the exact opposite.
9. There are at least three things wrong with Taylor’s description. (Episode 1.3: “Plenty of Baggage”)
Lisa: “All I’ve heard from Taylor is that Russell is this big, sexy Texas cowboy, and then in walks Russell… [Laughs uncontrollably.]
8. Do you see a podiatrist for that? (Episode 1.12: “Turn, Turn, Turn”)
Lisa: Obviously, I made a mistake wearing my Louboutin shoes; I should have worn flats. But flats to me is like a disease.
7. Oh, but he’s rich in friendship. (Episode 1.14: “Reunion, Part 1”)
Andy Cohen: Do you have any poor friends?
Lisa: Well — you, Andy.
6. Let’s face it: Just about anyone could hold their own with Kim. (Episode 1.7: “My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion”)
Taylor: Can he hold his own?
Lisa: Does he have to hold his own? That’s why he’s meeting Kim, isn’t it? So he doesn’t have to!
5. So we shouldn’t mention cocktails? (Episode 1.12: “Turn, Turn, Turn”)
Lisa: We’re going to look for pinot noir. That’s the “pinot” noir, Cedric, so I don’t want you getting excited.
4. What does he get on his half-birthday? (Episode 1.1: “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Wealthiness”)
Lisa: My husband calls me a sex object. He says every time he wants sex, I object. I say to him, you know what? Christmas and birthdays. And it’s your birthday, not mine; it’s another day off.
3. Lisa always means what she says. (Episode 1.9: The Dinner Party From Hell”)
Lisa (in reference to Allison DuBois): “One was her best friend and one was her sidekick. I mean psychic.”
2. Russell’s not feeling the love. (Episode 1.3: “Plenty of Baggage”)
Lisa (about Russell): I mean, Taylor’s a bright, vivacious, attractive woman. Evidently, opposites attract.
1. Lisa should leave the matchmaking to someone else. (Episode 1.6: “The Art of War”)
Lisa (about setting Kim up): I actually have somebody in mind, but he’s — actually, he’s still behind bars.