If you only saw one minute of Vanderpump Rules Season 1, Episode 2, “This Is a Breakup,” we hope it was the one containing Lance Bass, formerly of ‘N Sync. Not that the rest of it wasn’t a pink-draped extravaganza, but still. Lance Bass.
The episode started off positively. Lisa Vanderpump and her SUR partner, Guillermo, decided to host a float in the LGBT Pride Parade. The restaurateur wants to give back, since she’s gotten so much support from the gay community.
Servers Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute are working while complaining about being poor. Apparently they haven’t gotten their tips for three days, and Stassi isn’t used to such conditions. While she attended college, her father considered that her “job” and paid her way. “This is why I want to go to grad school,” explains Stassi. Us too. Can we work for Mr. Schroeder?
Per usual, Jax Taylor is the other topic of conversation. “This is not a healthy relationship,” Stassi says. It’s clear the waitress is near her breaking point — or her breaking up point.
It turns out Stassi is Jax’s sugar mama. Though he has nearly a decade on her, she’s paying for their apartment and all its contents belong to her. “And he should thank his lucky stars for Stassi Schroeder,” she declares.
Lisa doesn’t have time for nonsense. She has a float to plan, dash it. She warns Jax that because Stassi is friends with her daughter, Pandora, it will be him who’s looking for a job if they can’t keep their fights out of her restaurant.
Scheana Marie’s mom is not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom. We know this because she and her daughter are getting matching humming bird tattoos. Erika’s advice for Scheana is to kill the other servers — who haven’t exactly warmed up to Scheana and her doe eyes — with kindness.
Over lunch, Stassi is reasonably calm when Jax tells her that he spent the previous night sleeping in his truck, parked in front of their apartment. Eventually, the discussion devolves into her calling him “a child” who needs to grow up. “I’m a f**king” amazing catch,” she tells him, implying that if he doesn’t start acting his age, she’ll find someone else.
Kevin Lee! The shi-shi-shi-shi planner of Pandora Vanderpump’s wedding is back and on float duty. He drapes Lisa’s entire float in pink fur. He knows her so well.
At a photoshoot, Jax and fellow “mactor” (that’s model/actor) Tom Schwartz are posing with various instruments. Macting is a tough business and jobs have slowed down in the past 10 years for 32-year-old Jax. Of course, dating Stassi hasn’t always helped. She once emailed one of his clients to say Jax wouldn’t be attending their Puerto Rican shoot because she wouldn’t be there to chaperone him and the female model.
Tom’s a little in awe of his friend and recounts Jax’s days as a single guy, living in their “frat house” of an apartment. Basically, Jax would take a lot of girls behind the sheet that separated his “bedroom” from the rest of the place. Um, Jax. You might want to stick to Stassi and your load-bearing-wall apartment.
The day of Pride Parade has arrived, and Lisa’s float looks like a glorious skinned muppet. Jax and Stassi are talking trash about each other to their respective friends as Ms. Vanderpump tries to keep her staff from drinking and fighting. Stassi is world-weary from dealing with Jax. “I’m 23 years old,” she says, tiredly. That’s ancient in LA years?
The float starts moving, and the servers divide themselves on opposite sides. As a precaution, Jax asks Scheana to help in apply sunblock. Based on Stassi’s friends’ reactions, this is inappropriate, disgusting, and classless. It’s also life-saving, ladies. Skin cancer is a deadly business!
Kristen crosses the float’s imaginary battle line to tell Scheana just what she thinks of her behavior. Lisa, who’s been accused of being a pot-stirrer herself, thinks Kristen is just making trouble. As a matter of fact, Kristen’s boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, agrees.
Once the parade ends, Lance Bass stops by SUR long enough to hear Lisa speak to him in the parlance of his time, telling him how “off the hook” her float was. Can we make this ‘90s nostalgia a regular thing?
Stassi explains to Lisa how, despite her argument with Jax, she’s keeping it together and not crying. This doesn’t impress Lisa, which makes Stassi run outside in tears. Chicken and the egg.
Later, Jax and Stassi head back outside to try and “squash” their troubles. But Stassi isn’t quite ready to forget the fact that Jax took shirtless pictures with Scheana, whom she calls the “home-wrecking whore.” After Jax says Stassi is insecure, she storms back inside.
Everyone shows up to Peter, a SUR bartender’s birthday. Scheana brings her boyfriend and her drink-downing abilities. She preps for a conversation with Stassi by throwing back a cocktail. “She’s unstable. She’s really mean. And she’s kind of crazy,” Scheana says of Stassi. Just the kind of person you want to befriend?
Scheana takes Stassi to a deserted table and apologizes, saying she’s sorry “if I was being too flirty.” This is unacceptable to Stassi. “Don’t say ‘if,’” she lectures, saying that it would mean more if Scheana just admitted she was wrong. “You need to watch yourself,” Stassi instructs the flirty Scheana. Good talk, girls. We’re sure this will never be a problem again.
Jax arrives. He puts Scheana’s drinking skills to shame by swallowing seven shots in less time than it takes a SUR server to tape herself into her uniform. The neon-green shots have made Jax friendly, but Stassi shuts it down. “You’re a good boyfriend 70 percent of the time,” she says, adding that the rest of the time he’s “absolute s**t.” The ratio isn’t working out for her. “You need to realize what it’s like to not have me,” she tells Jax.
This sounds like a breakup to us, but Jax isn’t getting it. He follows her outside, and our suspicions are confirmed. “It’s a breakup, Jax. For the love of God, take it seriously,” she says. He insists that he’s being sweet, but it’s too little, too late for Stassi. She tells him he needs to get his own place and his own furniture. (Or maybe he can just live in his truck?)
Next week, Stassi has already moved on to Frank. Or has she?