We barely had time to breathe between Brandi Glanville’s meeting with SUR waitress Scheana Marie on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Episode 8 and the intro to Lisa Vanderpump’s new spinoff, Vanderpump Rules. That’s unfortunate for us, because we needed a moment before Brandi broke our hearts talking about her sons. 

The two women were discussing Brandi’s ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian. Scheana had an affiair with Eddie while he was still married to Brandi, and this was the first time the women had a real conversation about it. Mostly, Brandi was concerned about her two boys, Mason and Jake. “I will never, ever let anything happen to them,” she told Scheana, vowing to make sure they “stay perfect.”

For her part, Scheana was reminded of her own mother and was affected by Brandi’s words. Both women were teary. We just had something in our eye; we swear. Brandi delicately dabbed the corner of her mouth with a napkin before giving Scheana some advice: “Don’t ever be the other woman. You’re better than that.” Then Scheana apologies, and Brandi accepts. Sob.

Now the SUR madness can begin. Here’s the deal: Stassi Schroeder doesn’t care for Scheana. The waitress rules the roost, and Scheana is the new girl. Boss Lisa offers her input: “Don’t let Stassi judge you.” Easier said than done.

In case you couldn’t tell, sever Kristen Doute fills us in on the aesthetics of SUR: “We’re all really good looking.” None of them really want to be servers or bartenders. They all have dreams of modeling careers, acting jobs, or nebulous celebrity.

Get ready for the SUR hookup chart: Stassi (Scheana’s enemy) is dating (and fighting with) Jax Taylor. Bartender Jax is best friends with Tom Sandoval. Also a bartender, Tom is dating Kristen. Kristen and Stassi are best friends with server Katie Maloney. Both Katie and Stassi have hooked up with another SUR employee named Peter. Confused yet?

As Lisa points out, she has a young, attractive staff, and if she fired everyone who slept with someone else, she’d have no employees. 

So what is Stassi’s main complaint with Scheana? “Scheana’s a man stealer... a cheater and a liar,” and she doesn’t want the newcomer anywhere near Jax. Though Scheana has a boyfriend, Stassi is still convinced the second the “husband stealer” is single, she’ll pounce on Jax.

Over tequila, Peter and Jax talk about Stassi. As we mentioned, both have a history (or present) with Stassi. From the conversation, we learn that Jax and Stassi argue a lot, he thinks she’s crazy, and he love-hates her. Then Jax proceeds to hit on Courtney, a waitress with whom he has a Floridian connection. The server/massage therapist isn’t having it, though. Perhaps Stassi has reason to worry.

Scheana, who is apparently a brunette Britney Spears, heads to the studio to work on her music. Whether or not she can sing is irrelevant, Scheana explains. First of all, she looks like a brunette Britney Spears. Second of all, she’s a performer, not a singer. 

Tom and Kristen’s domestic bliss consists of a five-minute montage of him complaining about hair spray while fiddling with a flat iron.

Lisa casually sips wine in SUR’s empty dining room as Scheana polishes glasses. “Who do you work for?” Lisa asks her employee. “You,” Scheana replies. Then, Ms. Vanderpump wants to know, why is the aspiring singer/actress taking orders from Stassi. “Stand up to her,” Lisa advises, otherwise she’ll be doing Stassi’s dirty work forever. 

Scheana takes Lisa’s advice. “I refuse to be your little b***h here,” she tells Stassi. The two have it out over the Brandi situation. It turns out, Scheana confided in Stassi after a previous run-in with the Real Housewife, and Stassi is convinced her co-worker sold her story to a tabloid. Scheana denies it, but Stassi isn’t buying it. While Stassi thinks Scheana should’ve Googled Eddie Cibrian to find out whether he was married, the latter shoots back that Stassi has been cheated on before and therefore has trust issues. 

“I met a guy and fell for him and he broke my heart,” Scheana says in a final attempt to defend herself before storming off.

Later, the SUR employees are gathered at a table. Stassi and Jax, mid-argument, don’t feel the need to keep the fight to themselves; both discuss the times Jax has stormed out on and slept somewhere else. Jax calls Stassi the devil. “I am the devil,” she replies with a grin. “And don’t you forget it.”