Credit: Bravo

The drama between Marysol Patton and Lea Black reaches its peak on this week's Real Housewives of Miami Season 3, Episode 9. It's time for the recap, so hook up your IV, jump out of a cake, and don't forget to practice your kegels.

Every Day Is Sex Day

The episode begins with Lisa dropping by Joanna and Romain's place for sushi. Both Romain and Lisa are shocked that Joanna has made a sex calendar for the couple, which features sex listed on every day of the week. Romain isn't having it, although he is interested in seeing blow jobs on there. C'mon, Romain — Joanna's gotta get hers!

Joanna asks Lisa to be her bridesmaid, which is very sweet, although Adriana De Moura might not be pleased. Lisa than asks about Joanna's "vagina muscles," followed by Lisa shockingly hopping on top of Joanna, with Romain watching. After that little romp, Joanna and Lisa decide that Romain has issues, which Romain calls "insulting." We're with you on that, Romain.

Alexia is celebrating her birthday, and Marysol comes over to wish her a happy one. After Marysol teaches an anti-wrinkle lesson by lying on her back on the silver sofa (uh, okay), they are shocked to read Adriana's wedding evite, with the requirement of having to change clothes. Marysol calls it "torture," which sounds about right. 

Then again, speaking of torture, that IV vitamin treatment that Adriana and her friends undergo doesn't look too different from something that might have been used to get the truth out of someone in Zero Dark Thirty.

Credit: Bravo

Who Sent What?

Lea has a happy surprise for Lisa: A light blue Birkin bag, which causes Lisa to say, "Holy f**k!" Well said. Then again, Lisa's husband Lenny is the one who paid for it, so he could be in for a surprise. Lea is in a giving mood, as she then meets with Alexia but oddly uses Alexia's birthday as chance to flog her own line of beauty products. (Translation: No Birkin bag for Alexia.) But there's nothing wrong with killing two birds, right? 

Things get tense when Alexia says Marysol told her that Lea hasn't reached out to Elsa. At that, Lea pulls up a text that she sent to Marysol about Elsa, and she also claims to have sent flowers and cards. However, Alexia doesn't know whom to believe. Damn you, Hallmark, for making life so difficult sometimes. 

Romain and Joanna meet the sex therapist again, and Romain realizes he lacked a mother figure growing up, so he expects Joanna to be overly feminine. Sounds like we're making progress! Speaking of the men, Adriana takes Frederic to get a little Botox. The results make Adriana smile — and we're sure Frederic would smile, too, if he could move his face.

But the craziest drama happens at Alexia's birthday bash — and no, we're not just talking about the strippers in the giant cakes. After Lisa informs Adriana that she's going to be Joanna's bridesmaid — aren't Adriana and Joanna supposed to have patched things up? — Marysol tells Adriana that Lea just now sent flowers to Elsa. As you may have guessed, Marysol wants answers.

Credit: Bravo

Lea Bails — Twice

Marysol approaches Lea, who explains that she didn't realize how long Elsa had been in the hospital for, and that she had no idea Elsa had actually had a stroke. Marysol claims that Lea did know, and that it was "s**tty" of her to not send flowers sooner, which makes Lea a "terrible person." Double ouch. And so Lea leaves the party. Wait — Lea didn't want to stick around to get lectured? Weird.

Soon thereafter, Lisa finds Lea by the elevator, and Lea is in tears and worried that Elsa is being told lies about her. Marysol somehow tracks them down (is she the T1000?) and says that Lea didn't send Elsa get-well cards, even though Lea claims she did. Marysol then criticizes Jason for laughing, and so Lea and Jason decide it's time to say good night. Again.

But the drama isn't over yet, as Marysol tells Lisa that the fight between her and Lea is none of Lisa's business and that it goes back to before Lisa knew them. Marysol leaves amidst harsh words, and then Ana Quincoces picks up the baton and says Lisa is on "Hooked on Phonics." Well, if you ask us, this is as simple as ABC: These ladies do not like each other.

Our Final Impressions

Overall, this episode makes up for last week's lighthearted but boring one. But we're not sure who to side with. Did Lea really send those cards, as she claims? Because it seems like her story changed — first, she says she had already sent flowers and cards, and then she says she just sent cards. Hm. Regardless, we're not sure what Marysol was trying to accomplish by bashing Lea in public like this and questioning her bond with Elsa.

On the bright side, Romain and Joanna seem to be making real progress — and hopefully, Adriana and Joanna just might be, too. Indeed, it's great that Romain is willing to open up about his childhood in order to move forward with his relationship. However, all this drama has made us hungry. Did anyone save us a slice of cake that those strippers were in?