If your jaw is still on the floor after watching tonight's unbelievable Real Housewives of Miami Season 3 Reunion Part 1 recap, we can't say we blame you. In our recap of the insane drama, Joanna Krupa criticizes Lisa Hochstein for partying, while Adriana De Moura says extremely unkind things about Joanna's husband, Romain Zago. Seriously, the episode makes us want to curl into the fetal position and never come out.
Who Works, and Who Doesn't?
The episode starts with Lisa making a crack about how no one works in Miami, leading to Joanna saying that's not true. Alexis Echevarria asks Lisa what she does for work, and the two get into it, with Lisa saying Alexia doesn't work either. If you think that's bad, you should know that we're just getting started.
Talk turns to Adriana and Joanna's weddings, with Adriana saying Joanna's wedding dress made her look like a flamenco dancer. Olé. Adriana says she understands why she seems like a liar for not admitting that she and Frederic got married years ago, but she says she didn't feel like they were married because he bailed on the ceremony. Uh, okay.
What Is Joanna's Secret About Lisa?
Host Andy Cohen asks about Lisa's infertility, and Joanna says Lisa needs to stop partying and start focusing on having a baby. Then, things get really heated when Joanna claims to know a secret about something that Lisa did at Joanna's wedding, but Joanna refuses to say what it is, which infuriates Lisa. Reportedly, Joanna is alluding to a rumor that Lisa supposedly was looking for drugs at the wedding.
Adriana brings up a rumor that Romain cheated on Joanna, which Joanna brushes away with a joke about them being swingers. Then, Adriana says Joanna caused the end of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Yolanda Foster's marriage to Mohamed Hadid, and Adriana says Brandi Glanville agrees. However, Joanna maintains that she and Mohamed were just friends.
Joanna says she and Romain haven't had sex in three weeks, and Lisa says it's because Joanna emasculates him. After Adriana suggests that Romain might be gay, Joanna says Romain isn't because he doesn't look gay (huh?), and then Adriana says Joanna emasculates him and that she's a homewrecker. When Joanna calls Romain, Adrianna tells Romain that she doesn't like a man with a "limp penis." Too far, Adriana!
Kiss and Makeup?
Finally, we get into Lea Black and Adriana's issues, with Lea claiming Adriana was ungrateful about the money Lea donated to Adriana's son's school. Lea also says she tried to set Adriana up with men, and that she was told to lie to Frederic about it. Adriana claims that Lea tried to sell a $4 million dollar apartment by promising that Adriana came with it, which Andy Cohen says is a steal.
Then, after the ladies leave the stage, Lisa gets into a huge fight with her makeup artist, Tony. We hear the makeup artist hurling insults at Lisa, and Lisa says it's because Tony and Joanna are in cahoots. So Lisa refuses to let him do her makeup, although Joanna says that if Tony leaves, she leaves. We never thought makeup could be used as a weapon.
Our Overall Thoughts
So are you as scarred by this episode as we are? Frankly, we're impressed by Alexia for not getting too involved in the drama, but everyone else was taking part in more than their share. We're baffled by the whole thing, since it had seemed that Adriana and Joanna were on good terms at Joanna's wedding, but now Adriana clearly despises Joanna.
Meanwhile, Joanna's comments about Lisa's infertility were completely unnecessary and went way too far. But Adriana's insults for Romain were incredibly offensive as well. Can't we all just get along?
So we're both excited and scared for next week's second part of the reunion. We can't imagine it could possibly be more stressful than this week's, but you never know.