We open The Real Housewives of New York Season 5, Episode 9: "Dirty Ol' Dad" with Cool Carole Radziwill sitting on her cool leopard print couch in her very cool New York duplex. Carole is talking to her sister-in-law about finishing her book, but complaining that the main character has become annoying the more she reads and writes about her. Her sister-in-law says, “How could you not love her? She’s charming and cute and quirky.” Just like Carole!
Carole says, “Writing is a little like dating. In the beginning you’re flush with wit and stories and dreamy ideas about where it could all go, then as you make a bigger commitment it gets more complicated.” Well written, well said.
Carole calls Aviva Drescher for help with packing. This is when we start to get a better look at Carole’s amazing, lofty apartment, with its giant ceilings, floating staircase, and posters that say “Peace.” Also notable: Carole’s closet has its own hat wall, and lots of fur.
On the phone, Aviva is already, politely, lamenting Ramona Singer’s “energy.” Carole is all, “Did Aviva not get the memo?” That’s why Carole calls Ramona “Bunny.”
Carole arrives at her friend Ranjana’s in Miami, with Sonja Morgan in tow. Soon, Aviva and Ramona show up too, and within 30 seconds, Ramona manages to tell Ranjana that she will sell her gorgeous penthouse apartment in five years “for five times what she paid.” Basically, she’s telling Ranjana that her neighborhood sucks, but in five years, it’ll be cool, so she can flip the place. Ranjana seems to think of her ridiculously nice penthouse as her home, rather than a candidate for Flipping Out, so the whole thing is awkward.
Speaking of awkward, Ranjana tries to teach the girls “face yoga,” but Ramona and Sonja just make sex jokes and mock the practice the entire time, embarrassing poor Carole. And then Ramona starts making a big to-do about how Aviva’s prosthesis can’t get wet, and it obviously annoys Aviva. Carole, meanwhile, tells us, “It’s not my job to teach them good manners.”
Later that night, the girls are getting ready for dinner at Aviva and Reid’s apartment. Ramona and Sonja shoo Aviva away from the bathroom, saying she wasn’t invited. Poor Reid goes to fix Sonja’s shower, because she left it on. Her story is that she was in the shower when Ramona came in, and she had a “little problem with the hardware.” Sonja and Ramona are trying to be lesbians for Mario, who says, magically, “I just want my wife!”
Carole arrives, looking perfect in her white dress. Aviva says, of her Bal Harbour neighborhood, “This is like the Park Avenue, or the Upper East Side of Miami.” Sonja and Ramona are still joking around about showers, and Aviva wants them to “get the f**k out.” Good for Aviva, letting loose her first curse word!
Aviva’s dad George arrives, and basically the entire rest of the episode is run by George. George gives Sonja a kiss on the cheek, and they both drink Scotch, so that bodes well. But then George says he admires Carole’s taste, and then George flirts with Ramona. “Don’t hit on my wife!” yells Mario. The ladies do their face yoga, and George sticks his tongue out and waggles it around. Charm!
Sonja says she is “majorly charmed by George. He’s a good-looking man, he definitely looks monied, and he’s got some major real estate.” Ramona tries to tell everyone what they can and can’t talk about, and even redirects the order of the food, going into the kitchen and telling the staff to skip the salad and go straight to the entrée. Meanwhile, Carole asks George when the last time he had sex was, and he says “This morning.” George doesn’t masturbate. He “has friends.” And that’s when it happens.
“Carole, I could give you your first squirting orgasm,” George says. Mario laughs so hard that he spits his entire drink across the table at Aviva, and the table erupts into laughter. If this moment hadn’t been teased so many times in previews, it may have qualified for the best moment in RHONY history.
The ladies join George at the beach the next day, and he makes “bedroom eyes” at Sonja, then tells his daughter that she’s got an amazing body, and then tells Sonja that she has a butt like ice cream scoops. He says, “You know why you should sleep with me? Because it would be the kinkiest experience of your life.” But Sonja tells George that she wants someone “solid, boring, like your son-in-law.”
Ramona starts again about Aviva’s swimming leg, and Aviva says, in the confessional, “Thank god she stopped because I would have got started on her bathing suit.” You see, Ramona was wearing a bright blue tankini, which, we have a feeling, Aviva thinks is “white trash”y.
We see Heather Thomson and her husband briefly, and she’s having a caviar-filled “date night” with her husband, and all they do is complain about how they don’t have sex enough. So there’s that.
Ramona “Shhh”’s Aviva again as the whole group goes to an Art Basel party. Two seconds in, George pokes his erection in Sonja’s back, as in, that’s literally what happened. “Sonja, what’s happenin’ baby,” says George, who is still trying to chase after Sonja with his erection. But then everyone gets drinks, and Sonja makes a comment about buttered bread that apparently translates to “You look rich.” Ramona, thankfully, translates, by telling George in a louder voice, “You look like you have a lot of money!” Then Ramona tries to tell George that he looks virile, but she says something that sounds like “vurral.” Mario tries to correct her, but Ramona is stubborn. We heard you, Ramones.
George takes out “horny goat weed” at the party, and Reid, being the “boring” type (also known as: sane), suggests they actually look at art.
In New York, Carole and LuAnn de Lesseps shop in a “downtown” store called The Monogram Shop, and LuAnn is wearing a bright pink twill coat with fur trim. Cool Carole is wearing a black leather jacket. Carole brings up the incident where LuAnn supposedly asked Ranjana for clothes and jewelry. Carole tries to explain that Naeem is “family” to her, and “nothing makes me mad,” but she feels protective over her friends.
LuAnn, somehow, totally understands, like magic. Somehow, the way Carole explained it, it really seemed like LuAnn understood. Carole says in the confessional that LuAnn has “diva-like behavior,” but really, as far as drama goes, this moment was pretty calm. It’s so Cool Carole!
Back in Miami, Aviva tries to ask Sonja how to deal with Ramona when she “gets a little overbearing.” Sonja says that when Ramona “Shhh”’s you, it’s to protect you. Sonja tells Aviva to speak up and draw the line, and we just know that will spell trouble in the coming episodes.
The Real Housewives of New York airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Bravo.
Molly Friedman is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFriedman.
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