The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory
Credit: Matt Dunn/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

The Bachelor

The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory

Hometown Dates are officially upon us, friends — a beautiful adventure in which The Bachelor visits the homes of his four finalists in order to make sure their families aren't insane in the membrane. Which they usually are and in this case, well, we’ll have to wait and see. Then again, now that we've met Juan Pablo Galavis' extremely eager and slightly vacant cousin (never forget the adult braces, guys), he should really consider himself lucky. Watching that adorable nerd beam at Juan Pablo through his braces was like watching 13 Going on 30 all over again, except about a dude named Rodolfo.

Anyway, back to the episode at hand, Juan Pablo is totally on his best behavior during tonight’s Hometown Dates with Andi Dorfman, Clare Crawley, Nikki Ferrell and Renee Oteri, all of whom served up a giant plate of feelings for their man to feast on. And good thing, too. After all, the only thing Juan Pablo likes more than vaguely ethnic scarves is ugly-crying in a corner while a bunch of cameramen awkwardly film him! Sounds fun, right? Right. Let's do this thing, Bachelor Nation.

Hometown Date: Nikki Ferrell

The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory
Credit: Bachelor ABC Twitter    

You know what our lives have been missing? The image of Juan Pablo dry-humping a mechanical bull. Luckily, our prayers were answered during Nikki's hometown date in Kansas City, in which she forced Juan Pablo to get frisky with an innocent robot cow — which was probably doused in bleach after its lovemaking session with El Bachelor.

Nikki and her man got up to all kinds of midwestern adventures during their date –– including binge eating something called "gas station barbecue," drinking brewskis, and being generally adorable. But did this girl's family approve of Juan Pablo considering that he was dating three other women at the time of their hang out? Shockingly, yes. Not only did Nikki's parents love themselves some Juanny, we learned that Nikki pretty much grew up in a mansion. No seriously, did you see the size of this girl's home? It was like a real-life Barbie Dream House.

Not too surprisingly, Nikki decided she was in love with Juan Pablo by the end of their date (probably because of the way he made out with that plate of ribs), though unfortunately she didn't muster up the courage to drop the L-word on him. Possible due to the fact that he was leaving her to go smooch three other girls. Awkward.

Hometown Date: Andi Dorfman

The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory
Credit: Twitter    

You know what's a good idea? Giving Juan Pablo a gun. He totally seems like someone who wouldn't accidentally shoot himself with a pistol, which is why Andi took him to a shooting range during her hometown date in Atlanta. And no, the target was not a blown-up photo of Chris Harrison, but thanks for asking.

Juan Pablo and Andi had an amazing time trolling around Hotlanta — despite the fact that Juan is literally the worst shot ever — but unfortunately, the date didn't end there. Andi's poor family was forced to meet Juan Pablo, and let's just say they weren't impressed by his penchant for dating more than one woman at once. Andi's dad (who's name is HY, as in "oh hiiiiii") felt seriously iffy about the fact that his daughter was living in a harem, and uttered the musing "the person that is going to be good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say 'there is no one else in the world.'" Yikes, way to lay down the law, Hy. Juan Pablo's response? "Ok...that's great…."

LOL, Juanny. Oh, and also Andi definitely didn't tell Juan Pablo that she's in love with him — probably because her family gave her some serious doubts about her feelings. Um, how dare you Andi? We love Juan Pablo and we've never even met him.

Hometown Date: Renee Oteri

The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory
Credit: Matt Dunn/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

In case you'd forgotten, Renee is a mom. And we're not just talking about the fact that we view her as The Bachelor's resident mom, our mom, and frankly, Juan Pablo's mom. Turns out this lady has an actual son named Benjamin, who she and Juan Pablo met up with in girlfriend's hometown of Sarasota! Poor Renee was all kinds of emotional about reuniting with Ben, but enough of this adorable-yet-plebeian child. Juan Pablo and your mom have eye-sexing to do, Ben, and not to be awkward, but you're kinda harshing their buzz.

Luckily, this child peaced out to play little league (Juan Pablo was just all "SPORTS!") long enough for his mom to get in some alone time with her Latin lover, and these two totally bonded about their passion for parenting. They even hung out on a super lonely set of bleachers and cuddled while Ben hit home runs and whatnot.

Of course, the best part of Renee and Juan Pablo's date was when she introduced him to her extremely Floridian family, who welcomed him with open arms and lots of jewel-toned tie-dye. BUT WAIT. We're worried. Sure, Juan Pablo and Renee were more connected than ever (and Renee said she was smitten with Juan Pablo's scarfy self), but girlfriend was reticent about sharing her feelings. It's now or never, lady! Unbridle your passions!

Hometown Date: Clare Crawley

The Bachelor 2014 Recap: Juan Pablo’s Hometown Dates of Doom and Glory
Credit: Jose Villegas/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Looks like Juan Pablo saved the best date for last! Also, by "best" we mean "craziest." We all know how intense Clare can be, and her hometown date in Sacramento was a mixture of tears, emotions, angry ladies yelling "I DON'T CARE," and Juan Pablo's bright blue sneakers. Sure, Clare and Juan Pablo's adventure started off with an innocent stroll around a rose garden, but before we knew it this lady was telling tragic stories about her dead father while Juan Pablo was tearfully all "ay, ay, ayyyyy." It was emotional to say the least.

Luckily, Juan Pablo and Clare took a break from being super sad to meet her family, who totally loved him! Oh, wait, nevermind. Clare's sister, Lara, totally hated him. Apparently this lady had some issues with her sister dating a glorified playboy bunny, and didn't take kindly to Clare asking for her blessing. She even went so far as to accuse Clare of manipulating their mom into liking Juan Pablo! Girl, talk to the hand.

So, how did El Bachelor react? He simply brushed the dirt of his shoulders, mumbled some tender musings to Lara, totally won her over, and then awkwardly wandered off — presumably to chill with his collection of sleeveless jersey t-shirts. By the way, hands up if you expected Clare to say "I love you" this week? We're shocked that she held her tongue! (Note: not literally. Her tongue was everywhere.)

Quote of the Week

Juan Pablo remains adorable: "Very thank you."

Who Was Eliminated?

Our worst fears have been realized: Juan Pablo deflowered none other than Renee Oteri this week — otherwise known as the sweetest, kindest, and most genuine contestant to grace the dank hallways of Bachelor Mansion. Apparently, Juan Pablo had stronger feelings for the other ladies, and Renee was therefore dropped off at the beach. Which means a) she can go back to the real man in her life (aka Ben), and b) Nikki, Clare and Andi are officially Juan Pablo's final three!

Next Time on The Bachelor

Thought you'd get a break from The Bachelor for the rest of the week? Well, you thought wrong. Juan Pablo and his three amigas are making their triumphant return on Tuesday February 25 for a little somethin' somethin' called overnights. Basically, our lovely El Bachelor will do it Juanny-style with his three finalists in St. Lucia, and then eliminate one of them the morning after. Oh, and it looks like he gets into a major confrontation with one of his lady friends post- sexy time. So, yeah. That's happening.