The Bachelor Recap Season 18 Episode 4: Hey Seoul Sisters!
So, you might’ve heard that Juan Pablo Galavis is in South Korea on The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 4. We don't know who let him in the country, but he and his nomadic tribe of grifters have made their way to Seoul in order to inflict their PDA sessions all over a bunch of innocent locals. But what did Juan Pablo get up to on his cross-continental journey? What didn't he get up to would be a better question — he's just so filled with wanderlust! And actual lust! Our minds wander...
This week, our vaguely confused Bachelor went on a romantic one-on-one date with Sharleen Joynt in which truth bombs were dropped all over his lap, as well as two group dates, both of which have scarred us emotionally. We'll never forgive you for this, Chris Harrison. This time, your reign of terror has gone too far.
Nothing says romance like getting your feet eaten by tiny carnivorous fishes. Or dancing in a mall with unsuspecting teens suddenly forced to watch ex-cheerleaders bounce around on stage to lyrics they don’t understand. Basically, it’s an entire episode lost in translation in one way or another, and no Sofia Coppola to sew up the loose ends.
So, kick back, grab yourself some Soju, and let’s all get ready to party, Gangnam style Juan Pablo-style.
YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF OUR LIVES. Juan Pablo has fulfilled his secret dream of becoming a K-Pop star by joining an all-girl band. Feel the rain on your skin, Juan Pablo! Words cannot describe how pleased we are that Korean pop group 2NE1's managers forced them to teach Juan Pablo and six members of his harem how to dance — and we use the term "dance" extremely loosely. Despite the fact that he can prance around a soccer field like the low-rent version of David Beckham, our beloved El Bachelor is not cut out for choreographed routines. Clearly, he didn't spend his formative years recreating Destiny's Child routines like we did (too busy livin' la vida loca, probably).
Shockingly, this was one of Juan Pablo's more successful dates, and El Bachelor had a great time gyrating his hips in the general direction of the lucky ladies whose wombs he'd like to fill with babies. However, we're slightly worried about the denizens of South Korea. Chris Harrison rounded up a few innocent passerby and forced them into watching Juan Pablo and girlfriends dance for 2NE1 in some tragic mall, and we truly hope their rehab bills will be covered by ABC.
So, who got Juan Pablo's group date rose? That would be Nikki Ferrell, who is arguably the most bitter bachelorette to ever grace our televisions, as well as our favorite person ever. Sure, she was kind of ambivalent about publicly humiliating herself in the name of love, but at the end of the day she dressed up in a snap-back and shook it like a polaroid picture.
Also, the highlight of this date was most definitely Nikki throwing shade at Kat Hurd while she was busy dishing her heart out to Juan Pablo about her dad's alcoholism. The claws, you guys. They are officially out.
Uno-on-Uno Date: The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Opera
Sharleen stole Juan Pablo's corazon during the first rose ceremony of the season, and this week she kicked things up a notch by morphing into a siren and bewitching him with her dulcet tones. It was beautiful, but also really weird due to Juan Pablo's unusual kissing techniques (why make lip contact when you can directly insert your tongue into someone's mouth?). Anyway, this hot couple's date kicked off with a romantic trip to a Korean market, where Juan Pablo forced Sharleen to feast on some mysterious red meat (ALERT: Juan Pablo is actively trying to poison Sharleen. We repeat: Juan Pablo has gone insane), and then they wandered over to a tea house for some real talk.
Because it seems to be a requirement on all Bachelor dates, Sharleen decided she should probably tell Juan Pablo about her past, which was kind of dull and filled with something weird called "education." Thankfully, Juan Pablo ended this strange convo and forced Sharleen to sing for him so her voice could warm the cockles of his cockle. But hold up, wait a minute. We're worried. It seems like Sharleen might not be willing to give up her career to raise Juan Pablo's child — whom she's never met. Um, lady. Does your current job pay you in kisses plus benefits? Because being Camila's mom does. The good news is that it doesn't seem like Juan Pablo cares because he gave Sharleen the rose!
Juan Pablo is a sophisticated man with a zest for culture and appreciation for art and history, which is why he spent his time in Korea singing karaoke and dancing in a dollhouse. Because nothing's more fun than embarrassing yourself in a foreign country, Juan forced his remaining six sweethearts to go on something terrifying called a "Korean Craze," in which they were made to sing (what did we do to deserve this, Chris Harrison? Why do you hate our ears?), paddleboat, and let a swarm of adorable fish eat the skin off their feet. We love it when Juan Pablo's fetishes are revealed!
Unfortunately, Juan Pablo chose this time to pull a Sean Lowe and reclaim his virginity (for like, five minutes) and decided not to kiss anyone. Turns out it took Juan Pablo a full three weeks to realize Camila is going to be totally grossed out once she realizes that her dad was a glorified gigolo, so he decided to pump the brakes on PDA. Which made it all the more awkward when Lauren Solomon leaned in for a kiss and Juan Pablo was forced to be all "talk to the hand cause the face don't give a damn."
So, which lady was the lucky recipient of Juan Pablo's rose? Despite the fact that Clare Crawley's charming stories about Juan Pablo convinced him to break his rule and make out with her, the lucky lady in question was Andi Dorfman! Probably because she saw Juan's Pablo a few weeks back and dude is still trying to buy her silence.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
Clare and Nikki totally hate each other. We know, weird right? How could anyone hate someone who utters sentences like "Korea? I don't even have a kimono!" (That was Clare, for posterity’s sake.) These ladies majorly butted heads during this week's cocktail hour, where Clare decided to call Nikki out for stealing Juan Pablo's time with her. Apparently, the bachelorettes with roses (read: Nikki) had previously agreed to give the bachelorettes without roses (read: Clare) time with Juan Pablo, and Nikki broke this sisterly pact when she cock(tail) blocked Clare's time with El Bachelor. Suffice it to say she won't be sharing traveling pants with her costars anytime soon.
Who Was Sent Home?
It's always sad when ladies are auf'd on The Bachelor, but this week was especially rough. PoorElise Mosca and Lauren Solomon were brutally rejected after Juan Pablo realized they just weren't wife material. You can probably find them trolling the hills of Bachelor Mansion in an endless quest for their dignity.
Quote of the Night
Clare reflects on her time with Juan Pablo: "I threw up in my mouth. But I swallowed it back down."
Sure she was talking about trying octopus, but some things are best left in the pit of your stomach/despair. Just a thought.
Next Week on The Bachelor
Juan Pablo is such a globe trotter. Next week, this heartthrob is taking his 11 finalists to Da Nang, Vietnam, on an all new episode of The Bachelor airing Monday February 2! Not only will Juan treat Renee Oteri to a shopping excursion, he and Nikki will have a romantic dinner… in a cave. Like a bunch of bats! Oh, and Juan Pablo will also treat 9 of his lady friends to a water buffalo ride. So you have that to look forward to.