We just. We just. We just can't right now. Sure, we knew Revenge's season finale would be a thrilling rollercoaster of surprise deaths, innocent lobsters named Sebastian, and popped collars, but nothing could have prepared us for the emotional turmoil we just experienced –– not even the five stuffed-crust cheese pizzas we ordered. Our bodies. We just can't find the words. Oh wait, yes we can: dgsahdghsjagdjsa.
Now, BRB, shaking and crying. Also, this = us.
Last time we checked in on our favorite Hamptonites, Aiden had gone cray-cray and stabbed Takeda through the chest with some kind of samurai sword, drained the Graysons' bank accounts without asking Emily's permission (um, unacceptable), and then BOOM. Carrion prematurely blew its nerd wad all over Manhattan. That's right, New York City has gone dark, which means Y2K finally happened. We knew we made the right call by buying all those canned goods thirteen years ago! And by canned goods we mean Beefaroni.
Anyway, Emily flies into a panic when she learns that The Initiative have enacted their master plan, and she and Nolan eventually realize that Aiden's password was encrypted with a code that would trigger Carrion. Looks like The Falcon has had the last laugh! Naturally, Em decides to consult her rat-tail loving sensei, so she and Nolan show up at Takeda's house only to find him dead. But wait, there's more! They also find a hilarious zen garden that is secretly an “Infinity Box” (as all zen gardens should be), and realize that Takeda's been on a mission of his very own. So what's this vigilante's deal? Turns out his fiancée was on Flight 197 and he was using Emily to fight his war. Insert gasps and pearl-clutching.
Oh, and if you're worried about the Graysons, you should be. Because for reasons that have yet to be explained (stay tuned!) Conrad decides to blow up Grayson Global and make it look like a terrorist attack. His brilliant plan? To have a mass text sent to everyone in Manhattan (OMG, Conrad is Gossip Girl) that says "Long Live David Clarke." Cut to people under the age of 40 being like, "The f––– is David Clarke?"
Unfortunately, Conrad also finds out that Jack is plotting against him, so he hacks Ashley's phone and tells our favorite victim of the ‘90s that Fauxmanda's missing laptop is inside Grayson Global. Jack heads over to the company headquarters at the exact same moment that Connie has his personal assassin set off explosives, but the good news? Emily realizes that Jack is in mortal danger and follows him to Grayson Global. The bad news? The building explodes before she's able to race in and save her childhood sweetheart's floppy hair. So, is Jack dead? Not yet, friends. Because he still has so many terrible mistakes to make.
16 and Pregnant
So, um, Charlotte's pregnant. We know the thought of Declan impregnating another human is almost too glorious for your body to handle, but deal with it. This sea urchin's seaman can swim, and Charlotte has been blessed with the fruits of their labor. You're welcome, world.
Unfortunately, Charlotte's best friend, Regina, is secretly in love with her, and this burgeoning psychopath manages to turn Charlotte against Declan by pretending that he attacked her in an ATM vestibule (please, little buddy couldn't even break a window without crying). This causes Charlotte to have a crisis of conscience about her baby daddy, and to make matters worse, Victoria tells Declan that he's about to be a dad, and then promptly kicks him out of the family. Whatever, ladies. Stop hating on our personal life guru and raise his babies already.
In other news, Emily realizes that Aiden has been wandering around the Hamptons murdering all her faves, and she's just like "NOOOOO!" This British Bloke has seriously lost his marbles (LOL, English humor), and to make matters worse, everyone thinks he's a terrorist. In fact, boyfriend gets arrested trying to flee the country, and then gets let off the hook when Nolan is suddenly arrested for The Initiative's crimes. That's right, turns out Padma sold Nolan out before being killed, which means we're officially throwing shade at her ghost.
Another One Bites The Dust
Seriously, guys. What's the deal with The Initiative? THIS IS THE DEAL. Turns out The Initiative were actually behind the explosion at Grayson Global and –– spoiler alert –– Conrad is basically in charge of the whole organization, and stands to make trillions in disaster relief. In fact, Conrad himself was recruited by Helen Crowley! We know, shocking.
But whatever, there are more important things to discuss than Conrad's certifiably insane behavior. Like the fact that DECLAN IS DEAD. And yes, that statement required all caps. Turns out Declan was trolling around the offices of Grayson Global when the bomb went off, managed to semi-explode himself, and then up and dies during heart surgery. And no, we can't talk about it. Except to say, DAMN YOU, SAMMY THE DOG, why did you have to take him from us so soon?! Declan's HEART JUST COULDN'T HANDLE HOW FULL OF LOVE IT WAS.
As you might expect, Declan's death causes Jack to fly into a deranged, sea-glass infused rage, and he heads over to Grayson Manor to hold Victoria up at gunpoint. It's like we don't even know what to do with this dude anymore. Luckily, Jack decides to give Victoria a lecture about his feelings instead of popping her full of lead, and he heads over to Conrad's gubernatorial acceptance speech to kill him instead. Of course Emily follows her former lover so he doesn't commit murder, and girlfriend is faced with the biggest decision of her life –– she can either let Jack pop Conrad full of bullets, or she can come clean about her real identity. Naturally, she chooses the latter, and Jack finally finds out that his child bride (literally) is none other than Amanda Clarke (aka Emily Thorne ack! this confuses even us sometimes).
Oh, also two more things (and we know that at this point you're on the verge of a breakdown, so we'll keep it short). 1) Victoria's long-lost son shows up at her house in the middle of the night, causing her to break a wine glass in slow-motion, and 2) Aiden beats Daniel to a pulp the moment he gets out of jail, and then the next thing we know Danny Boy shows up at his dad's acceptance speech dripping with blood. Which means, yep –– Aiden could be dead. OUR EMOTIONS.
What did you think of tonight’s epic finale? Tell us below!