Please join us as we illuminate the biggest WTF moments from this week's game-changing episode of Revenge, a wonderful group of head-scratchers that will send you into a confuzzled tizzy that can only be cured by lobster rolls. And yes, Declan's fatal attraction to Charlotte is featured. We expect this poor girl to wake up with a homemade shrine of Declan's face above her bed any day now.
1. Emily = Freakishly Cold
Someone please explain what season it is in the Hamptons. Because last time we checked, Baby Carl David was being whisked off to Grayson Manor thanks a heat wave, and during said heatwave, Emily was wandering around in a sweater. Flash forward one episode and it's still the height of summer in the Hamptons, only Emily is even more freezing. She spent the beginning of this week's episode shivering by a fire wrapped in a shawl, and it's just like what is up with yo' body temperature, girl? No wonder Emily is a pyromaniac –– she just wants to be warm!
2. Declan Might Be the Most Possessive Boyfriend Ever
Please remind us never to date Declan (oh wait, that note-to-self is already prison tattooed on our stomachs). Turns out he's the neediest boyfriend ever, and is more than likely to throw a floppy-haired hissy fit if you ever a) ditch school, or b) hang out with your dead sister's foster brother. Poor Declan could barely contain his emo-rage when Charlotte admitted to bonding with Eli, and it's just like bridle your passions, Declan. We know you're jealous, but go work out those feelings by fondling a conch shell or something.
3. Baby Emily Is a Pyromaniac
We're so worried about Flashback Emily, and not just because she whiles away her days doodling double infinity signs, trolling around some terrifying place called "the bin," and wearing the world's most terrible weave. This girl is weirdly obsessed with fire for a child her age, and that coupled with her middle-parted horse hair has us thinking she might be the girl from The Ring. OMG, please don't come out of the television and kill us!
4. Aiden and Emily Squat in Love Shack
For those of you who have been under the assumption that Aiden Mathis lives in a rocky cave somewhere along the beach with a fleet of Japanese puppies, think again. Turns out dude is renting a giant love shack full of shiny counters just so he and Emily can meet up for the occasional rendez-do, and we're so relieved. Mostly because Aiden's house has a kitchen and we're pretty sure we've never seen Emily consume one bite of food during her tenure in the Hamptons.
5. Jack Is Officially Insane
Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, Jack Porter and his floppy hair of feelings have crossed to the dark side. By which we mean he's completely insane in the membrane, has taken to trolling around the docks harassing innocent seamen, and has developed a sinister smile. We know Jack is grieving Amanda and all, but dude. Get it together, you have a child. Please do everyone a favor and spend a few therapeutic hours making necklaces out of sea glass before you are carted away on a stretcher.