Excuse us while we face-plant into this slice of pizza and mourn Amanda Clarke's untimely death during this week's game-changing episode of Revenge. Everything about girlfriend's demise was completely WTF-inducing (why risk your life for a necklace? WHY?!), so we've rounded up the Top 6 head-scratchers of the episode to pay our respects.
Also, we've written a series of poetic musings about Amanda's days as a stripper, but that's for later.
1. Emily Proves That She Is, In Fact, a Cyborg
Apparently a heat wave hit up The Hamptons this week, and most of our Revengers whiled away their day complaining about how sweaty they were. Or, in Declan's case, embracing the sweatiness like a true stud. Not only was Nolan carrying around a portable fan for most of this episode, Baby Carl David suffered heatstroke. And Emily Thorne? She trolled around the docks wearing a cashmere sweater while her seaman friends dripped bodily fluids all over her. Lesson learned? Emily is a robot.
2. Where Did Victoria Dump Helen's Body?
We're starting to fear that Grayson Manor's backyard is full of dead bodies. Case in point: Helen Crowley, whose corpse mysteriously disappeared after Victoria shot it full of bullets. We can only assume that Sammy the Dog's sand dune grave was desecrated by Daniel, and that his poor canine body currently has a leather-clad terrorist flopped over it. Is nothing sacred? No wonder Sammy's ghost keeps murdering everyone.
3. Is Declan a Secret Voyeur?
Remember when Jack reached into that secret compartment, grabbed a computer, and thanked Declan under his breath? And then he turned the computer on and it immediately started recording a video-selfie? Last time we checked, you have to push "record" to take a video, which means Declan rigged Jack's computer to film him as soon as it was opened. Which double means that he was making private movies of Amanda and Jack's honeymoon. As usual, we are left with more questions than answers, so we'll go ahead and assume that Declan is running a dubious website about sexy seamen.
4. Emily Dumps Amanda's Body
Um, remind us never to become a Girl of Cell Block D. It's like, you think you know someone, and then they dump your body in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean after you've gone to the trouble of saving their necklace from a sinister drug lord. Sure, Emily couldn't risk people knowing she had been out at sea at the time of Amanda's death, but she and Nolan could have at least snuck her body back to the beach and buried it. Instead, poor Amanda was probably eaten by a fleet of vengeful lobsters –– but hey, at least she got to go to Titanic Heaven with Jack and Rose, right?
5. The Montauk Police Continue to Suck at Everything
Here is a list of what the Montauk Police/Port Authority failed to notice during this episode: 1) A loud gunshot at Grayson Manor, 2) A registered boat going completely off the grid, 3) A dead body being dumped on a public beach, 4) Another registered boat transporting half-dead seamen to the hospital, 5)The fact that said half-dead seaman was in the hospital with gunshot wounds, 6) An enormous boat explosion, 7) A sobbing debutant floating around on a raft, 8) Declan Porter's criminally insane hair.
6. Nate Ryan = The Worst at Everything
The time has come to talk about Nate Ryan and how completely terrible at sleuthing he is. Not only did this dude sashay his way onto The Amanda without a working cell phone, he proceeded to visibly photobomb all of Jack and Mandy's honeymoon pictures in the most deranged, sinister way ever. But then? Then Nate waited until Jack and Amanda had consummated their marriage before being like, "Oh, hey guys! I've just been in this closet watching you have sex for the past 24 hours." No biggie.