Looks like we won’t be seeing a spinoff starring Lydia anytime soon. That’s right, the woman with good taste in real estate (but poor taste in married men) seemed to meet her untimely demise when she was tossed from a building onto a taxi below — and if she's not dead, she's at least going to be stuck in a hospital for a long time.
Revenge Season 1, Episode 5, “Guilt,” was packed with surprising moments — sex! death! bad wigs! — and was our favorite episode thus far. It begins with Lydia falling on that empty cab — meaning that whoever called that cab is going to be very late getting to LAX (which is the only place that people in L.A. take cabs to, besides rehab).
We then flash back two days earlier, as Conrad comes home to his family ten million dollars poorer, following his rendezvous with Lydia, as Frank has informed Victoria. Tyler — Daniel’s freeloading friend with unknown but clearly sinister motives — wrangles a job at Conrad’s company, Generic Evil Corporation, Inc. (or something like that). If this were a real company, the Occupy Wall Street protesters would be chanting something clever about it as we speak.
Daniel, who could really use two Advil — or at least a bloody Mary — after painting the town red (or whatever color vomit is), gets roped into taking a job at his dad’s company, too, which he is so not all about. (We’re with you, Dan: Having to work for a living is completely overrated.)
Meanwhile, Lydia informs Emily that she wants her house back (we would want that thing back, too), and Lydia intends to find a skeleton in Emily’s closet (which Lydia calls her “South Fork Inn,” referring to the hotel where Lydia and Conrad got “better acquainted”).
So Emily packs up Lydia’s things, including some fake documents that link Lydia to Em’s acts of vengeance, along with a whale-shaped hidden camera that Nolan was using to spy on Emily. The homes on this show contain more video cameras than the average convenience store.
This week, Emily’s bestie Ashley, the party planner who has somehow ruined more parties than the chicken dance has, is in charge of the Open Arms gala. Emily encourages Ash to make Victoria Grayson the guest of honor for her work in providing the founding funds for the charity Victims United Outreach, a charity for victims of terrorism started by, surprise, surprise, victims of the plane crash Emily's dad was accused of having a part in. But Victoria only started that charity after feeling guilty for framing Mr. Thorne for funding the attack. Got all that? (Sorry — the show piled on the exposition this week!)
Somehow, Nolan’s camera just happens to be placed by Lydia in the perfect position to record all the action as Conrad drops by her place, they fight, and she throws a photo at him. When Lydia picks the photo back up, she examines it. It’s herself and Victoria at a party back in ‘03, and who should be photographed in the background, working as a caterer, but our very own Emily. And it’s no wonder that Lydia can tell it’s her, since Emily is wearing a wig that even Nicki Minaj would refer to as ridiculous.
Nolan calls Emily while she’s at the gala with this not-so-great news, and Emily tells Nolan to delete her name from the catering company’s files — her real name, that is, since she was still going by “Amanda” back then. Em can’t leave the party because Daniel is here, and the two have managed to patch things up, with Emily basically blaming everything on Tyler. And let’s face it: Tyler is a pretty easy scapegoat.
Lydia is about to out the Graysons instead of giving a speech to honor Victoria, but Frank finds the fake file at Lydia’s place and informs Victoria that Lydia is an evil mastermind on par with a villain from a James Bond movie. So Victoria confronts Lydia and works her magic, and Lydia then gives a perfectly normal speech. (Let’s face it: Victoria is pretty damn intimidating. We would do what she tell us.)
Lydia may have gotten off with just a tongue-lashing from Victoria, but she won’t be quite as lucky with Frank, who is waiting for her inside her home in the dark, like a parent in an after-school special. (“What have you been up to, young lady?”)
Frank attacks her, so Lydia kicks him in the balls (or at least, that’s what it looks like) and escapes up the stairs, where Frank then knocks her from the balcony and onto that aforementioned cab. (And then someone on the sidewalk looks at the crushed cab and is like, “We’ll wait for the next one.”)
We can’t really tell whether Frank intended to kill her, and, if he did, whether Victoria was aware of it. But the lesson that we did learn? Frank doesn’t like it when you kick him in the balls.
Nolan also shows up at the apartment, post cab fall, and switches out the catering company employee list that had been faxed to Lydia, so Em's covered there. Though how Nolan managed to sneak in and out of Lydia’s penthouse — while it was surrounded by police — and not get caught is a mystery. Maybe he’s Spiderman.
Meanwhile, Conrad had surprised Victoria with a perfectly sensible gift: a brand new sports car, which Charlotte, still mad at her mom, comandeers for a joy ride with Declan. When they get taken to the police station for driving more wrecklessly than Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious, Daniel and Em have to pick up Charlotte, while Jack shows up for Declan. And if there’s anything more awkward than running into your two boy toys at a police station, we don’t want to know what it is.
Jack is looking to hire a bartender, and since Daniel has spurned his dad’s job offer at the Gala — not to mention the trust fund that comes with it — he’s ready to see how the other 99% live, and so he takes the job. Then again, Daniel working at a bar is about as smart as a person who’s addicted to knitting getting hired by a museum that contains the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn. (Okay, so we’re not sure if a “knitting addiction” or the “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn” are real things, but you get the point.)
Finally, Daniel and Emily head to the bedroom, where the two get busy for the first time! Hooray for true love — or rather, hooray for one person who’s in love, and another who at least is really good at pretending to be in love! That’s close enough, right?
Meanwhile, Nolan and his secret Shamu-cam have discovered that Frank attacked Lydia. As freaked-out tears well up in his eyes — what? Weird billionaire wiz kids have hearts, too— Nolan calls Emily, leaving a scared message about what he's seen.
As we said, this episode was amazing, with Lydia coming dangerously close to outing Emily. And is it just us, or is Daniel kind of awesome? Who knew we’d start to really like the guy? Anyway, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go spend our free time examining all of our old photos with a magnifying glass to see if we recognize anyone in the background who might have been spying on us at the time. (What — you don’t examine all of your photos with a magnifying glass? Are you naive or something?)