Please light a candle and say a little prayer for our fallen Revenge home girl, Fauxmanda Clarke. This poor stripper-turned-murderer died in a tragic boat explosion, and everyone is so sad. Emily Thorne's sad, Nolan Ross's sad, Charlotte Clarke's this close to braiding herself a noose made out of Declan's hemp, and Jack Porter is a broken man, by which we mean a seaman.
Basically, we ugly-cried our way through this week's episode of Revenge while eating our feelings, and the only person who understand our pain is this dead lobster.
Under The Sea
So, last time we checked on Emily she was dumping Amanda's body into the ocean, but don't worry. She totally cleans herself up, washes the blood off her hands (because apparently all the ocean water didn't get the job done), and breaks out her crazy-eyes. Yep, the time for revenge is upon us! Of course, first Emily has to tell Jack that his baby mama is in Titanic Heaven with Jack and Rose, and as you might expect the poor dude doesn't take the news well.
Jack's still in hospital recovering from his bullet wound, and he's in a delicate state. Delicate like Declan's calves. The poor little lamb breaks down into a fit of hysterical weeping when he hears that Mandy is six feet "undah the sea" (darling it's better down where it's wetter), and flips his floppy hair all over the place in anguish until Conrad swaggers into the hospital for a visit. At this point, Jack accidentally huffs a whiff of Emily's revenge fumes, and flies into a rage. Turns out this wandering sea urchin thinks that Connie is responsible for Amanda's death, and he's determined to exact revenge on the Graysons in his wife's name.
And speaking of the Hamptons royal family, Victoria and Conrad are in a world of pain. Not only are The Initiative on their tail for the murder of Helen Crowley, Mandy's (read: Emily’s) incriminating laptop is still at large. The plan? Conrad and Victoria meet up with Trask by some weird school bleachers and convince him that Nate Ryan killed Amanda for reward money –– which Task seems to buy. Then again, who knows with this dude? He's too busy looking like a circa 1970 Bond villain to have real emotions.
In other news, Conrad is still running for governor of the Hamptons, and it doesn't look like Ashley's on board with the fact that he off'd Amanda. Especially when he uses girlfriend's tragic death to gain voter sympathy in his gubernatorial run. Judging you so hard right now, Connie. But not as hard as the time we judged you for wearing Madras shorts.
Oh, look, it's Daniel, and he's just as tragic and dreamy as ever. First of all, can we please point out that it's been, like, a year since Daniel wrote a poem? If he doesn't put pen to paper soon, his poetic manmotions are going to prematurely shoot their wad all over the Hamptons. Second of all, Daniel's finally realized that all of Grayson Global's investments are "blood money," and he's all kinds of sad and confused. Looks like this dude has found his conscience, and he'll stop at nothing to end his family's reign of terror. First on the list? Preventing Nolan from handing the Carrion project to The Initiative. You know, Carrion? Nolan's nerdy computer program that could wipe out power in Manhattan? Yeah, that's still a thing.
In other news, Padma's in a frenzy because her dad's fingers keep getting chopped off, and it looks like The Initiative are going to straight-up kill him unless Nolan finishes Carrion. While he suffers a geeky crisis of conscience (spoiler alert: he gives Carrion to Padma), Aiden decides to get back in with Grayson Global by making some sketchy trades for Daniel on behalf of The Initiative. Apparently, this means Daniel can trust Aiden, and he happily welcomes his hilarious British accent back into his man bosom.
Also, everyone seems really worried that Baby Carl David is shacked up with Victoria, but it's like AT LEAST THIS POOR CHILD HAS AIR CONDITIONING AND A HERMES BLANKET TO SNUGGLE.
The Social Network
Guys, we're so concerned about Charlotte's mental stability. Not only has girlfriend been shacked up in Declan's love nest for weeks, she's taken to dressing Baby Carl David in plebeian hoodies, and the worst part? She has to ID Amanda's body at the morgue. Honestly, Charlotte's face after seeing her sister's remains was that of a crazy lady. We expect her to murder Declan in his sleep any day now.
In other non-Declan related news (like there’s any such thing), everyone is discovering everything. Emily discovers that the Graysons were framing Amanda, Charlotte discovers Amanda's foster brother from another mother (who shows up at her funeral!), and Jack discovers Emily's revenge computer. How, you ask? Oh, he's just sobbing all alone with a jar of sea glass (as ya do), when he smashes said jar in a studly fit and finds a key to Amanda's pier-side locker. Inside said locker is the computer and proof that Amanda and Emily were living together in juvie, which inspires Jack to fly into yet another tizzy.
Jack's completely traumatized that Emily was keeping secrets from him, but if you're worried about this scurvy-ridden wharf rat having access to her computer, fear not. Aiden totally breaks into Jack's house (and we use the term "house" loosely), steals back Emily's computer, and then she throws it in the ocean so it can't distract her from her revengenda! Also yes, Jack thinks Conrad is responsible for the theft, because he literally has no idea what's going on ever. Our theory? His hair flop is eating all his brain cells.
But the real kicker is Emily’s former foster brother, Eli James, showing up to her funeral. The only problem is Amanda was actually Fauxmanda and Emily Thorne was actually Eli’s foster sis. So will he recognize her? That remains to be seen next week. Tell us what you think of tonight’s episode below!
For a hilarious mini-recap tonight's episode, check out what our friends at You Know You Love Fashion had to say about "Retribution."