The Handsome Hamptonites are back and better than ever! By which we mean they’re even more deranged and obsessed with luxury seafood than usual.
This week, Revenge opens with a bang: The Talented Mr. Tyler has taken cock-blocking Daniel to a whole new level ... by aiming a gun at Emily’s head while classical music dramatically plays in the background.
Sigh, it’s times like these that make is wonder, WWSD? (What would Satoshi do?)
It’s just a typical day in the Hamptons — Emily’s fleet of forest animals have dressed her, Daniel is up at the crack of dawn with a popped collar, and somewhere, a lobster has been slaughtered.
Sadly, the fun is interrupted when Conrad (or Connie as we know call him) stops by to apologize to Daniel for hiring Tyler.
After a brief exchange on man-motions, they patch things up and Conrad heads over to the Grayson mansion to consult with Victoria about their upcoming divorce.
It’s simple, really: Victoria wants her pre-nup to be liquidated because, as far as Conrad knows, she was pregnant when they signed it.
The problem? She wasn’t actually pregnant and she needs falsified proof or else the prenup is still valid. The solution? To find a doctor who’s willing to be bribed.
Meanwhile, back at Emily’s beach bungalow, Daniel makes himself some coffee (as if he knows how) and calls up Victoria to reveal his devious plan to funnel information about Conrad’s business to her.
It’s a plan almost as ambitious as that time he tended bar for five minutes!
South Fork Fun
In preparation for a busy day of party planning and being mysterious, Emily drives over to Nolan’s house to apologize for being such a cold-hearted biatch.
They have a brief bonding moment while Nolan hangs out shirtless on a lawn chair and shows off the GPS feature on his iPad, which is conveniently tracking Tyler.
So where is our favorite sociopath, anyway? The South Fork Inn! No big deal, he’s just visiting Conrad for a quick bribe. You see, Tyler has the video of Frank tossing Lydia off a building and he wants money in exchange for his silence.
Well, money and a collection of Armani suits, one assumes.
Meanwhile, Emily heads over to the Grayson mansion to steal back the whale cam, and she gets a quick glimpse at Victoria’s lawyer.
A flashback shows a desperate Em asking him to take on her father’s appeal, but we have more important things on our minds: Crazy Ty-Ty.
When Em gets to the beach house, not only does she find the camera (and some of Tyler’s meds), she witnesses the man himself trash the place and stare at his reflection in a broken mirror for about 30 seconds while we cry in fear.
After a few inquisitive phone calls to Ty’s doctor, Emily finds out that Tyler’s family is trying to find him, so she and Nolan arrange for his brother, Alex, to pick him up. You can guess how that plan works out ....
Clam Wake 'n' Bake
Stop the world, it’s Daniel’s birthday, a day for celebration and shirtlessness. Emily poisons Daniel’s mind with her middle-class whims and suggests that he throw a clambake, so Jack and Amanda clean some shellfish in preparation on the poor side of town.
Aw, it’s so nice that Em’s including her Joe Plumber friends in the festivities. Daniel’s birth truly unites the classes.
Meanwhile, Victoria visits Conrad at the inn so they can continue their mediation in private, and he tells her that Tyler’s been planning to extort them since his freshman year at Harvard. And bonus — he doesn’t even go to Harvard.
At this point, everyone realizes that Tyler’s a total nut-job, so Daniel pops his collar and heads over to the pool house for a confrontation. There sits Tyler, alone in the dark (crazy people don’t use light bulbs) waiting for his bromance to begin.
After a heated exchange, Daniel threatens to call the cops if Tyler doesn’t pack up his faux Loubies and leave, but Tyler is one step ahead of him and catches a late night flight to California. Or does he?
It’s the night of Daniel’s party and Jack and Emily are having a major bonding session on the beach about how much he hearts “Amanda.”
This overt display of emotion leads to a sentimental flashback, and poor Em can’t take it (what are these feelings?!), so she goes back to her house only to find Daniel holding a gun. You know, just in case he has to pretend like he knows how to use it or something.
Meanwhile, Nolan calls Emily to tell her that Tyler’s on a plane — and if by plane he means right next to him with a knife, that would be correct. Way to fail, Nolan’s security guards.
Also, way to procure a giant, unexplained blade, Tyler. After Ty slashes Nolan’s bulging bicep, he sees the whale cam’s video feed of Emily and Daniel and books it out of there.
Back at Emily’s house, our favorite revenge-seeker gives Daniel his birthday gift: A picture of the day they first met and a book of poetry. After reciting some poetry together (so many thoughts about that....), these two love birds head over to the clambake and Victoria gives Daniel a hand-made (read: intern-made) memory book.
Em is so disgusted by Victoria’s display of affection that she goes back to her house to “get the cake.” Not so surprisingly, Tyler is waiting for her — and as she tells him that he’s horrible and impotent (her words), she slips Frank’s wallet in his pocket. Sly move, Ems! But not sly enough for Tyler.
He grabs Emily’s gun and forces her back down to the clambake so that everyone can play a high-stakes game of truth or dare. The catch? If Conrad doesn’t reveal what really happened to David Clarke, Emily will die. Luckily, before Tyler can pull the trigger, Nolan and Alex show up and Tyler is arrested and conveniently blamed for Frank’s murder.
Everything’s coming up roses for our girl Emily! Well, other than the fact that Sammy Dog is literally days away from death.