The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived.
It was man-motional, it was rainy, and it was witnessed by a bunch of wet, bitter servants. How can life get better?
Emily is maybe, sort of shaken up by the news that Charlotte is her sister-from-another mother, but she’s determined to keep her head in the game.
First up? Frame Amanda for the fire at Mason’s house.
Emily heads down to the beach in slow motion (as evil villains tend to do), and catches Amanda and Jack locking lips. After suppressing a wave of nausea, she tells Amanda that Victoria burned down Mason’s cottage and urges her to leave town.
Please, Em — getting rid of Amanda won’t be that easy. She isn’t some socialite you can just push off a building.
Meanwhile, Daniel tells Victoria that Conrad’s keeping funds off shore, which will secure her access to Grayson Global — but she’s thrown for a major loop thanks to Emily’s mischievous ways!
Over at the South Fork Inn, Declan meets up with Charlotte and Conrad for breakfast, and Conrad offers to pay for Declan to attend Collins Prep on his dime. While Declan ponders the possibility of a life sans smelling like shellfish, a mysterious hard drive is delivered to Conrad.
Turns out it’s the video of David Clarke claiming that he has a love-child with Victoria, and Conrad immediately decides to use the information against his wife in the divorce.
Oh, and he also wants Victoria to change her name back to Harper (poor person name, apparently).
In the Name of the Father
Victoria is convinced that Amanda stole Mason’s tapes, so she invites her over under the pretense of a bonding session and asks about her real identity.
Little does Victoria know that Amanda is a street-wise stripper, possible hooker, and definite murderer who is not to be messed with, and she storms out without giving Victoria any information.
But, Victoria’s always one step ahead, and steals Amanda’s DNA from a spoonful of creme fraiche!
Meanwhile, Emily breaks into The Stowaway to plant Mason’s tapes in Amanda’s bag, and she runs into Jack, who gets all emo about his burning love for Mandy.
Poor dude. Doesn’t he realize the only real relationship he has is with a geriatric Labrador?
In other news, it looks like Daddy Grayson definitely isn’t Charlotte’s father, so he gives Victoria the option to either come away with nothing in their divorce, or go to court and expose her affair with David.
Victoria refuses to play his game, and takes the opportunity to announce that David was the greatest guy ever.
And guess who happens to overhear this particular convo? Ashley!
Over on the Grayson yacht, Daniel and Emily are having a beautiful night full of fine wine and witty banter, when Daniel suddenly declares his undying love for her and pops the question.
The moment is sweet and adorable, and filled with an impromptu rainstorm — but don’t worry, it doesn’t make either of them look ugly. So what does Em say? Yes, of course!
Time to tell the parental units. Emily and Daniel head to Victoria’s house to break the news gently, and Victoria tries not no vomit all over her dress when she sees Em’s giant ring.
Then, Daniel goes to his dad’s hotel suite to spread the joy, and Conrad ruins the moment by announcing that Victoria’s hiding a huge family secret.
Poor Connie is bumming hard. He’s all a flutter about Victoria’s betrayal, so naturally, he takes everything out on Charlotte and kicks her out of the house.
Charlotte is rightfully devastated, so she heads over to Emily’s to complain ... because, apparently these two are friends now (mutual love of expensive lobster, perhaps?).
Charlotte opens up to Emily about her daddy issues, and in a fit of sisterly emotion, they hug it out.
Sigh, it’s almost like Emily is a normal person ....
Sex, Lies and Videotapes
Over at The Stowaway, one of Victoria’s many minions breaks into Jack’s house to steal back Mason’s tapes, and unfortunately Jack catches him in the act.
Poor Jack ends up in a pool of blood on the ground, but the silver lining? One tape was left behind ....
In other news, Amanda and Charlotte share DNA, which makes us wonder WTF is going on up in the Hamptons. Don’t worry, it all gets cleared up when Emily wanders down to a foggy pier and meets none other than Victoria’s lawyer, who’s been working for her this entire time and faked the DNA evidence! Excuse us while we pass out.
Later that night, Emily creeps into Jack’s bedroom (do none of these people lock their doors?) to stare sadly at his shirtless body, and then she sits down for a late-night drink with Amanda.
Emily finally tells Amanda the truth about avenging her father’s death, and even starts crying (robot tears, we assume) about how bad she feels for Jack.
Amanda agrees to leave town to save herself, and we can’t say we’re sad to see her go. Real Amanda FTW!
Meanwhile, Daniel heads over to his mom’s house to ask about her big secret, and she breaks the news that Charlotte is David Clarke’s daughter.
And if your wondering whether or not we’re treated to a flashback of the night Charlotte was consumated, the answer is yes. That totally happens, and it’s totally beautiful.
The next morning, Emily ambles up to Nolan on the beach to apologize for being such a cold-hearted psycho, and tells him about her plan to turn down Daniel’s proposal and pump the breaks on her vigilante mission.
Well, until Daniel shows up on Em’s porch and says that Victoria told him she was raped by David Clarke.
Oh no she did not! Game back on, Victoria.