Revenge

So … raise your hand if you’ve spent the last two Revenge-less weeks marathoning Everwood and Last of the Mohicans.

Our Wednesday nights just aren’t the same without the lingering aroma of market fish and fear, but let’s just say it was worth the wait. Emily and the gang are back and better than ever, and there’s a new face in the Hamptons!

And uhm .. we’ll go ahead and ignore the fact that Em wanders around in a burlap fishing net for most of this episode.

Lonely Hearts Club

Poor Jack. He may have recovered from his injured happy trail, but this bartender’s broken heart is far from healed. Jack’s bumming hard about Amanda’s sudden departure, but at least he has one clue: One of Mason Treadwell’s recordings.

The problem? Jack has no idea how to use anything other than a Bowflex, and can’t figure out how to play the tape. But at least he can enjoy Nolan’s get-well present: A giant flat screen for watching porn and Judge Judy — which are basically the same thing as far as we’re concerned.

While Jack contemplates his lonely life, Daniel and Emily head over to the Graysons’ mansion for their engagement photoshoot. Now’s as good a time as any for a quick flashback, so welcome to Harvard, where a mousy Emily watches Daniel wax poetic about William Blake. No comment on Emily’s slouchy beret, but all kinds of positive comments on Daniel’s messy college hair. Someone hand this boy a copy of The Bell Jar!

Back in reality, Emily’s hatching a devious scheme to send Charlotte a DVD with David Clarke’s confession, but when she learns that Jack has a tape from her pop’s interview, plans change. There’s only one solution to Em’s problem: Faux-manda.

Emily convinces her doppelganger to call Jack and rendezvous at some sketchy motel, but their reunion isn’t exactly romantic. Jack forces his way into Amanda’s room while man-crying all over his split lip, and refuses to give the tape back because his feelings are hurt. Sigh, nothing a boating trip on The Amanda can’t cure. Actually, wait … awkward.

Royal Wedding

Over at the Grayson House of Hard Knocks, Victoria finds herself in a tricky situation when Conrad threatens to expose her affair with David Clarke. To prevent him from gaining the upper hand in their divorce, she calls Grandpa Grayson and invites him to town for Daniel and Emily’s engagement party. Which reminds us … we never got our giant bejeweled invitation box in the mail.

Meanwhile, Daniel’s devastated to find out that his mom was forcibly fertilized by David Clarke, so he goes to lunch with Conrad to stand up for her. Unfortunately, Grandpa Grayson crashes the party and chews Connie out about the upcoming divorce. After all, if the Grayson name is sullied, the entire company could be in jeopardy! Looks like the ball is in Victoria’s court.

Speaking of our favorite ice queen, Victoria’s taken to watching/stroking David Clarke’s face on screen like a crazy person. We’re worried. But at least she’s trying to be a good mom to Charlotte, and they head down to The Stowaway for some girl talk. Naturally, the sight of all the local fishermen causes Victoria to mouth-vom, and she orders a bourbon as Charlotte begs her to let Declan come over for dinner. Sigh, Victoria’s already spent one day amongst her subjects, so why not make a night of it?

While Victoria and Charlotte are hanging with the plebes, Ashley swings by Conrad’s hotel suite to get his list of invites for the engagement party, and they have a random conversation about how she’s Victoria’s lackey. The truth hurts, Ash. Also, please don't have an affair with Conrad.

Sexposed

It’s the night of Grandpa Grayson’s welcome dinner, and the whole family gathers for an evening of festivities! Gramps is all about living the American dream — turns out he started Grayson Global at the ripe ol' age of 22 and didn't even graduate from high school! Basically, he’s Declan’s personal hero. But let’s not forget why this geriatric is in town: to celebrate Daniel and Emily’s engagement!

After Em plants the DVD containing David Clarke’s interview by the front door, she and Daniel saunter over to make introductions. It’s all very civil, minus Emily’s dress, which causes us to   hallucinate and take yet another trip to Flashback City. No real point this time, except to highlight Emily’s hilarious Boston accent, which we hope she breaks out during the wedding.

Back in real time, Conrad takes a moment to apologize to Charlotte for being such a terrible dad, while Emily watches with a tear in her robot eyes. Looks like this vigilante has feelings after all, because she picks up the incriminating DVD and tucks it safely in her purse.

Meanwhile, Jack heads to Nolan’s house to watch Amanda’s tape, and even though Nolan’s supposed to erase the magnetic strip with his special nerd machine, he shows Jack the truth: a video of Little Amanda chatting about David’s affair with Victoria. Naturally, said video sends Jack into a lovelorn frenzy, and he heads to Amanda’s motel room to bang on the door like a crazy person.

Amanda doesn’t answer Jack’s fevered shrieks, so he storms over to the Grayson mansion and accuses Victoria of having an affair with David. Obviously, the entire dinner goes up in flames (way to ruin a party, Jack), and as Daniel stands up for his mom, Conrad tells Charlotte that David Clarke is her biological father.

So, does Victoria refute his claims? Nope, she storms off to her turret to pout while Gramps tells Conrad to step down as CEO so Daniel can take his place. So much is happening!

Meanwhile, Emily’s peeved because Nolan showed Daniel the tape of Amanda, and as she chews him out over the phone, she realizes that her house has been broken into. Yep, the Revenge Box has been stolen, and in its place is an RSVP card to the engagement party.

Tyler, is that you and your bad self?