Credit: ABC

The moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived. Grab a lobster claw and a giant red sharpie, because Revenge is back and sweeter than ever!

Last time we checked on the Hamptons' reigning blue bloods, they were Loubie-deep in the crime of the century. Of course, we're referring to Daniel's arrest and the fact that his six-pack is currently locked up in prison. Make it stop!

Jail Bait

The Graysons are determined to prove Daniel's innocence, so they set up a crime scene in their parlour (where else?) and go about solving Tyler's murder. Victoria's convinced that Amanda was somehow involved in Tyler's death, but Emily gets word from Satoshi that her cell sister is safe with him. Phew!

The problem? If Satoshi finds out that Emily's trying to spring Daniel from the clink, he might let Amanda go — and lord knows she's a loose cannon. Need we remind you of the time she made out with a random barfly while Jack clutched his pearls in horror?

Amanda might be public enemy number one, but we can't forget that Jack was also at the crime scene. Victoria wants to pin this murder on anyone but Daniel, so she infiltrates Charlotte's session with the police sketcher and presents the lawyer with a picture of Jack.

Credit: ABC

Emily's worried that her childhood sweetheart might take the fall for Tyler's murder, so she asks Nolan to find Mason Treadwell, who's sippin' on wine coolers in some beach town.

Nolan, Victoria and Emily have no problem convincing Mason to help frame Amanda (especially since Mason thinks she burned down his house), and he agrees to start an online blog devoted to making her seem guilty. Crisis averted!

 

Free Love

No offense to Emily, but her revenge mission isn't exactly going as planned. Not only is Daniel in jail for a murder he didn't commit, he gets beaten to a pulp after trying to befriend some shirtless inmates.

Probably because he spends his time writing Emily sentimental love notes instead of doing pull-ups like a normal person.

After Daniel's throwdown, Emily and Victoria rush down to the jail (wearing matching high-waisted slacks, we might add) to renegotiate his bail. Clearly, Danny Boy's delicate nature can't handle the stress of prison, so the judge lets him out on house arrest.

Credit: ABC

But, why was Daniel attacked, anyway? Oh, you know, because Victoria called in one of her lackeys to beat him up. Yep, that's the way this mommy rolls!

Victoria "Thug Life" Grayson heads to a bar to pay off the man who arranged for Daniel to be assaulted, but little does she know that Emily's lurking in the shadows and snapping pics with her spy camera. Unfortunately, Emily leaves before she can witness Victoria lock eyes with a hunk across the bar, and before we know it they're making sweet love in his apartment.

Wait, whaaaat? That's right, Victoria's shacked up with a middle-aged hippie (who happens to be an art forger) from her gallerina days. We'll just assume she's going through some kind of midlife crisis, because the thought of her wearing tie-dye is extremely upsetting.

 

Lonely Hearts

Time to check in on our favorite sea urchin, Jack Porter. This poor guy is way too overcome with ennui to care that he's a murder suspect, and he misses Fauxmanda like crazy.

Don't forget that Jack saw the receipt of Emily's wire transfer to Mandy, and he's desperate to find out where it came from. Emily decides the best way to keep Jack safe is to get him out of town, so Nolan suggests that he go to Montreal to stake out Amanda's bank.

Poor dude, can't you just see him wandering the streets in confusion?

 

Meanwhile, Declan's terrified that Jack will get arrested, so he tells Mason that Charlotte was on painkillers the night Tyler died. Mason settles down for a long night of blogging (welcome to our world, buddy), but before he can write anything incriminating, he gets an IM from "Amanda" (aka Emily), who informs him that Victoria stole his interview tapes.

Looks like Emily broke into Victoria's safe and planted the tapes for Mason to find, which means she's back and more vengeful than ever!

 

Get Out of Jail Free

Good news, everybody! Daniel gets released from prison on a $10 million bail (ain't no thang), which means he's heading back to the Hamptons where he belongs.

Poor guy is seriously disheveled: His beautiful jaw is bloody, his hair coif is limp, and he has some kind of unfashionable metal detector on his ankle. Sigh, someone hand him a plate of caviar. 

Meanwhile, Charlotte is majorly peeved at Declan for ratting on her to Mason, so she pops a pill and breaks up with him. But Declan's confession has repercussions for more people than just Char. Mason blogs that Charlotte was high on meds when she saw "the hooded man on the beach," which means the Graysons' entire case against Jack is ruined!

Victoria heads to Mason's hotel in an attempt to bribe him, but unfortunately he threatens to expose her if she tries to frame Amanda for Tyler's death. Sigh, who else thinks it's time for Vic to slip into a Herve Leger dress and get her groove back?

 

While Victoria mourns her failed attempt at being an evil genius, Emily puts on a wig and has a drunken hang sesh with the barfly who had Daniel beaten up.

After she gets him to talk about his ties to the Graysons, she beats him to a pulp and takes an impression of his key (yeah, girl!) — but let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

Emily might have won the battle, but she hasn't won the war. Victoria has a plan up her couture sleeves, and she tries to convince Daniel that Em was responsible for Tyler's murder. After all, it was her gun that fired the fatal shot!

Will Daniel stay faithful to his leading lady, or did Victoria plant a seed of doubt in his poetic mind? Tune in next week to find out!

 


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