There are so many things we'd love to see "illuminated" on Revenge. Like, why has no one staged an intervention for Declan's fashion crimes? And how come no one has noticed that Montauk's beaches are full of dead labrador bodies? And most importantly, how come no one is concerned that Jack has morphed from a confused seaman into a certifiably deranged revenger who talks to jars of sea glass in his free time? These are the things that keep us up at night, guys.
Well, also the fear that Emily's foster child self might break into our house and burn it down to the ground. With that in mind, please binge eat a thing of caviar and make love to a conch shell. Revenge is upon us.
I Got Foster Bros in Different Area Codes
Spoiler alert: Amanda's body is still being eaten by Nemo and his fishy friends, and the time has come for Emily to get back to revenge. Because, honestly, she has basically zero other talents at this point. Her plan? To take down the Graysons while simultaneously trying to make Jack love her again.
Unfortunately, Emily's brother from another mother, Eli James, is in town to pay his respects to Amanda, which is slightly strange considering that girlfriend burned down their foster home during her pyromaniac phase (not to be confused with her Alanis Morissette circa “Jagged Little Pill” phase). But whatevs, this dude is all about chillaxing in the Hamptons in the wake of Amanda's death, and it doesn't take long for him to cozy up to the Graysons, who are trying to make themselves look slightly less murder-happy by setting up a charity foundation in Amanda's name.
Naturally, Emily runs into Eli at Grayson Manor because a) she wants to be co-chair of Amanda's foundation, and b) girfriend is constantly trolling around there for no reason (clearly she's addicted to the smell of blood), and he most definitely recognizes her as the OG Amanda Clarke. Um...PANIC.
You guys, Daniel is so stressed. Like, there aren't enough haikus in the world to express his emotions, and if there were, they'd all go like this: My life is empty / Just my turtleneck loves me / Feelings in my coif.
This poor dude is suffering a major crisis of conscious thanks to the fact that he's an accessory to murder and whatever, and to make matters worse The Initiative want him to finance their plot to wipe out power in Manhattan. Poor dude has taken to drowning his sorrows at local bars and having bro-offs with fellow bluebloods, and it's all kinds of tragic. The good news? Aiden saves Daniel from an embarrassing lawsuit after he punches an arrogant business rival. The bad news? Daniel storms off in a pouty fit, and Aiden is left to have a bonding session with Conrad, who's just lurking in the corner wearing a cowl neck cardigan (apparently we missed his 80th birthday). Turns out Conrad wants to make Aiden treasurer of Amanda's foundation –– but WAIT! Said foundation is secretly just a front for the Graysons to hide their money in the event that their assets are frozen!
So, what about Daniel? This tragic wordsmith makes his way back to Montauk (you know, because he still lives at his parents' house) to find comfort in Emily, and proceeds to dish all his secrets –– including Connie's sinister charity front. Obviously, Emily decides to bankrupt The Amanda Clarke foundation, but when she and Nolan try to hack into the account with Carrion, they find that it's being protected by some hacker named "The Falcon!" OMG, did Revenge just turn into a nature show on Animal Planet? Because, yes please!
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
The time has come to check on Jack and his split personality. This tragic excuse for a sea urchin is using way more brain cells than he's used to, and he's super grouchy. In fact, when Emily comes to check on her childhood sweetheart, he gives her major cold shoulder (by which we mean bullet-ridden shoulder –– JACK WAS SHOT, guys), and leaves her to chat with Eli –– who accuses Emily of being Amanda. Oh no he did not. Luckily, Emily manages to convince Eli to keep his mouth shut by handing him a check and offering to wipe his nefarious identity, so they head over to Grayson Manor for Amanda's charity foundation! At which point Emily attempts to sully Victoriaagainst him. Here's what goes down....
While Eli charms his way into Victoria's social circle, Charlotte falls for his devastating good looks and incurs the wrath of Declan. Yep, dude flies into a rage because Charlotte dared to ignore him for 24 hours (HE HAS NEEDS), and peaces out to, like, whittle some drift wood or whatever.
Meanwhile, Jack wanders around the docks "finding answers" about who pulled him out of the water, and some thug drops the ball that a "sandy haired" rich kid (aka Nolan) saved his life. This causes Jack to spiral even further down the crazy rabbit hole, so he meanders over to Amanda's charity soiree, gives a speech about about feelings, and then accuses Nolan of being the worst friend ever. Because apparently saving someone's life is totally frowned upon these days. Luckily, Nolan covers his tracks and tells Jack that Kenny Ryan saved him, and it looks like our favorite wharf rat believes him.
Oh, and in other news, Eli gets himself nominated as co-chair for Victoria's foundation after donating 100k of Emily's money. Looks like this bro-from-another-pyro is here to stay!
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