Being without Revenge for the past few weeks was even worse that being without our body pillow. Like, we can't even tell you how many near-death experiences we had while trying to make sea-glass necklaces (thanks for NOTHING, Jack). The good news? Revenge is back and better than ever, and this week's episode was a roller coaster ride of thrills, chills, and nerds. And yes, The Falcon's identity was revealed. And double yes, we refuse to spell his/her name "The Fa1c0n."
Emily's life is so hard. Not only does this lady spend ridiculous amounts of money on red Sharpies (those things don't huff themselves), she's in the midst of an epic love triangle. Yep, Emily is having all kinds of feelings toward Aiden and his collection of linen blouses, and she's going steady with Daniel. In fact, it looks like Daniel wants nothing more than to put yet another ring on Emily's finger, because their engagement worked out so well last time.
Of course, Emily has more important things on her mind than Daniel's butterfly-shaped chest hair. Like the fact that Nolan is being questioned for Padma's murder. We know, the police literally have no idea what they are doing on this show. But fear not, Nolan is let off the hook –– which means the time has come for REVENGE.
Here's the deal: Emily decides that the only way Nolan will start feeling better about Padma's murder is if he defeats The Falcon, so naturally the time for a nerd-off is upon us. No, Nolan and The Falcon don't go LARPing while dressed as Gandalf The White and Gandalf The Grey (we wish), but they do hit up an arcade so Nolan can defend his Street Fighter championship.
These two meet up at Teddy's Arcade in Brooklyn for their gamer-challenge, where Nolan learns that The Falcon is a sexy lady with quite an attitude. But does she have Nol's mad Street Fighter skills? Please, as if. Nolan beats this gal with no problem, and then gets The Falcon to unwittingly slip a hard drive into her computer, which in turn gives Nolan access to all her files! Bwahahahaha, looks like the Falcon-ee has become the Falconer.
A Very Long Engagement
We continue to be endlessly worried about Jack. First of all, his hair is more middle-parted and floppy than ever. Second of all, he's still determined to bring down The Graysons through a mixture of ugly-crying and amateur revenging, and third of all — he's taken to hanging out with everyone's favorite former hooker, Ashley. Also, it appears that Ashley is Baby Carl David's new babysitter, to which we say "ahdjskadha" (because there are no words).
Anyway, looks like Jack is still trying to take down Conrad by hijacking his gubernatorial campaign, and he follows Connie to a meeting only to catch him cahooting with Allison Stoddard, aka The Govern
or's wife! The bad news? At this point we have no clue whether Ashley is really on Jack's side, because she takes the incriminating pictures of Conrad and Allison to Connie himself, and uses them to get her job back. Sigh, this girl.Meanwhile, Conrad's more than a little preoccupied with his Nightline interview, which he decides to conduct at Grayson Manor — much to Victoria's displeasure. After all, this lady is kinda busy fabricating abortion records, having flashbacks to the days of yore when she dressed like Blossom, and being completely fabulous. But unfortunately for her, Emily tips Nightline off about the birth of Victoria's lovechild (thanks for the intel, Falcon!), and Baby V has no choice but to admit that she abandoned her son, Patrick, when he was just six months old. Naturally, Victoria flies into a panic, and ends up calling on Nolan for help finding her long lost kiddo. The incentive? He'll get to gain back control of Nolcorp!
Oh, and in other news, Emily and Daniel are kinda-sorta engaged (Em's even wearing her old ring!), and they announce said engagement on live television — which causes Jack to un-godmother our favorite Revenger. OMG, next thing we know he'll be unfriending Emily on Facebook.
XOXO, Gossip Girl
So, turns out Daniel has a major case of jealousy. This dude hates Aiden with a fiery passion because his equally fiery loins were all up on Emily, so he calls in Satoshi Takeda and asks for files on his gal pal's British ex. Little does Daniel know that Takeda and Aiden used to breed Japanese puppies together, but when Takeda tries to warn Aiden, dude's just all "HUGS NOT REVENGE" and wanders off into the great unknown. So yeah, that happened.
In other news, Declan and Charlotte are trying to get into college (so many LOLs, so little time) but Charlotte's slightly distracted by her new bestie –– aka the random plebeian she bitch-slapped at Victoria's masquerade ball. Turns out this gal's brother died from a drug overdose, and she wants nothing more than to pick Charlotte's brain –– by which we mean makeout at a club while photographers snap pics. Naturally, Declan sees said pics (because he's Gossip Girl), and spends the rest of his evening tye-dying a piece of hemp with the soft stains of his own tears.
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