Revenge is sweet, much like the vat of lobster-flavored ice cream we are currently consuming. It's been weeks since we've checked in on the Hamptons’ fleet of deranged murderers, and lord knows how many holiday yule logs we've consumed thanks to hiatus-induced depression.
Let's just say we're so desperate for Revenge that we'd actually make out with Declan's hemp necklace. That's how bad things have gotten. Lucky for us, our favorite show is back with a vengeance! Black hoodie, anyone?
Last time we visited Victoria, she was ugly-crying (read: pretty-crying) all over her Loubies as a result of Daniel's new position at Grayson Global. This poetic mastermind has put himself straight into The Initiative's line of fire, and Victoria will stop at nothing to protect him. Yep, Baby V is so desperate to help out her Honey Boo Boo that she turns to Emily Thorne and her double infinity prison tattoo for help!
Victoria wants Emily to get back together with Daniel so he can rediscover his innocent, poetic ways, and Em is all over it. In fact, she and Aiden take a break from their hoodie-clad karate sessions to devise a cunning plan: They stage a public breakup at the same restaurant where Daniel and Conrad are having lunch, which means Danny Boy knows his ex-fiancée is single and ready to mingle! And by "mingle," we mean girlfriend is poised for more scrapbooking sessions. Sob, memories.
Speaking of Daniel, as usual we are so worried. Not only is this delicate flower completely evil, he's an unwitting pawn of The Initiative. Tragically, Helen's wormed her way into Daniel's heaving bosom by revealing that Conrad has even more secret investments hidden at Grayson Global, so Daniel turns to Nolan for help. Of course, little does Daniel know that he's handing Nolan direct access to the Grayson Global mainframe...
Emily's plan is simple: She'll worm her way back into Spaniel's heart by feeding him Love Potion No. 9 (aka caviar), while simultaneously revenging all over the place. This week, Emily has her red Sharpie aimed at Robert Barnes — the judge who was instrumental in convicting David Clarke. Nowadays, Judge Barnes is trying to earn a spot on the Supreme Court, while his wife, Patricia, heads up The Liberty Project, an organization that supports falsely convicted criminals. How ironic!
As you might expect, Emily comes out guns blazing. First, she accidentally-on-purpose insults Judge Barnes by bringing up James Palmer, the clerk who supposedly had David's back and was subsequently killed. Then, Em hits up The Liberty Project's gala at Grayson Mansion after realizing that it was actually Patricia who was David's biggest supporter. And emotional Emily convinces Patty to expose Judge Barnes, so she immediately takes the podium and reveals that the judge knew David was convicted by a tainted jury. Then girlfriend unveils her bruised arms and accuses her hubby of abusing her! Sigh, just a typical Grayson Global party. Basically, this is the First Wives Club all over again, but with way more Cristal.
All in all, Emily has a great day of revenging, and to top it off Daniel stops by for a brief makeout session. OMG, it's finally happening, people! Somewhere, the ghost of Sammy the Dog is crying. But let's talk about Aiden. Now that Nolan's hacked into Grayson Global, Aiden has a major in with The Initiative. In fact, he's able to get ahold of Helen herself, and they arrange a meet ‘n' greet at some creepy warehouse. So, what do we learn? Aiden's sister is actually alive, and if he cooperates, he might get to see her!
Time to check in on Declan and Jack — aka our favorite seamen. The Porter brothers are in big-time trouble now that they've sold The Stowaway to a pair of grifter murderers, but the real problem? Kenny and Nate are using the bar as a drug front.
Here's what goes down: Declan finds a mysterious packet of drugs in Nate's belongings, while simultaneously spilling coffee beans all over the floor. Obviously, something needs to be done, so Jack calls up his policeman friend, Eddie — because apparently there are police in Montauk. Who knew?
Unfortunately, Eddie and his drug-sniffing puppy end up finding Nate's stash in The Amanda — not to be confused with Jack's fiancée, Amanda — and they promptly try to arrest Declan. As you might expect, Jack takes the fall for his little brother and gets hauled to jail, where he'll presumably spend his days stringing up necklaces made of old sea glass (it's his hobby, just go with it). By the way, we're shaking our heads at you, Declan. Why must you fail at everything other than wearing conch shells?
In other news, Marco is still in nerd-love with Nolan, and gifts him some geeky programming chip as a token of his affection. Which will apparently solve all of Nolan's legal problems and help him take control of Nolcorp. Or something. Look, if we don't understand the complicated rules of Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons & Dragons, we certainly don't understand Marco's mysterious hard drive.
What did you think of tonight’s episode of Revenge? Was it a nice return to our favorite shoreside drama or did it fall short, like all of Declan’s plans? Weigh in below!