OMG Jack, are you ok? Can you hear us? We're so worried about you. In case you've blocked out last week's episode of Revenge, our favorite wandering seaman was arrested in what has to be the most failed attempt at narc-ing ever. 

And feel free to spend this entire episode in tears because things are about to get worse before they get better. And by "things" we mean Declan's hair. And also Aiden's love life, because let's be real, Emily and Daniel's relationship is even more pure than Danny's baby soft skin.

Red, Red Wiiiiiiine

Praise Baby Carl David and all his angelic friends, Emily and Daniel are back together! Of course, Emily is only fake-dating Daniel as part of her master plan, but whatever. Their relationship is just so poetic and beautiful, we can't wait for them to start scrapbooking again!

In other news, Daniel has become besties with The Initiative's Helen Crowley, and she wants him to acquire a burgeoning disaster recovery firm called Stonehaven United Solutions. Emily tells Victoria about Danny Boy's plan, and they decide to take him down with some good ol' fashioned sabotage. The place? Emily's annual charity wine auction. The player? Conrad's frenemy Jason Prosser, a competitive hedge funder who wants nothing more than to beat Daniel at his own game.

Jason and Daniel start the competition off by getting into a wine bidding war, and Daniel wins with a cool million. Yes, that's right, he spends a million dollars on some wine. Wine, you guys. The only thing we'd spend that kind of cash on is aged Cheetos. Naturally, Jason is super sad when he loses, so he jumps at the chance to acquire Stonehaven when Victoria works Daniel's interest in the company into the conversation. Bwahahahaha, in your face Spaniel!

But enough of these drunken antics, the time has come to check on Nolan. This nerd's proverbial popped collar is so limp and sad. Not only is Marco getting all territorial about Nolan's relationship with Padma, Daniel discovers a few failed patent developments in Nolcorp — one of which is Nolan's magical hard drive called Carrion. We don't know what that thing does, but we can only assume it has the potential to bring Sammy the Dog back to life.

Oh, and if you're still deciding whether to be Team Marco or Team Padma, you might want to burn all your Pad Swag. Girlfriend is an evil imposter who moonlights as a member of The Initiative. In fact, she's feeding Helen information, and she gets Marco fired by making him appear in cahoots with Daniel. Sigh, will we ever be able to make Marco Polo jokes again? Probably not.

The Switcheroo 

Remember when Ashley was forced into Russian prostitution all because she foolishly got an Art History degree? (Pshhhh, this is what happens when you go to college, people.) And then remember when she was unceremoniously kicked out of Grayson Manor for cheating on Daniel with some sleazy board member? Yeah, well girlfriend is back from the beyond, and she has a plan up her couture sleeves. Ash tells Connie that he has two options: he can re-hire her, or he can reject her and she'll expose all his secrets to the media. The choice is obvious: Ashley + Connie = 4EVA!

In other news, Aiden's bumming hard about Emily's relationship with Daniel, plus he's all aflutter about finding his prostitute sister, Colleen. Frankly, we're worried that this dude's brotherly love might get in the way of Emily's plan, because he's taken to lurking around with The Initiative's main squeeze, Helen. In fact, Aiden follows Helen out of Emily's wine charity event and they both end up getting gassed in an elevator! Hate when that happens.

But wait! It's all part of Emily and Aiden's plan, much like everything else on this show. These two set up a rouse wherein Emily attaches a Darth Vader voice modifier to her face and fake-kidnaps Aids and Helen. Then she stages a shootout, gets pumped full of lead, and Aiden comes off as a life saver. But does Helen fall for their trick? That remains to be seen! 

Coyote Ugly

So, yeah. Jack is in jail, and so is our heart. This poor floppy-haired barmaid has been framed by the Montauk Mafia (aka Nate and Kenny Ryan), and now everyone thinks he's a drug lord. Naturally, Jack's incarceration has Amanda all hot and bothered, and her stripper alter-ego Killer Mandy comes out to play. Despite Jack warning his lady love not to mess with the Ryan brothers, she gets in touch with her criminal network (aka Charlotte) and convinces her to get Conrad's help.

Connie rejects Charlotte and Amanda's proposal, so Mandy steals his watch and pawns it in exchange for a gun. You know, so she can kill everyone. Luckily, Ashley convinces Conrad to run for public office, and he decides that helping Mandy will restore his public profile. This dude makes a deal with the court and settles Jack's bail, which means Amanda doesn't have to murder any randoms. Phew!

By the way, we are so worried about Baby Carl David. Hasn't this innocent love child had enough trauma for one lifetime? Poor thing is still getting over the fact that Declan is his godfather. Dude who wanders around wearing a mood ring –– not a good look.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Tell us below!