Please clutch your pearls (by which we mean sea glass), grab a paper bag (by which we mean Birkin) and breathe into it (by which we mean vomit). Lives are about to be taken on Revenge, and we're basically hysterical.
Clearly, Sammy the Dog has turned into The Grim Reaper, and he's out for vengeance. Yep, this geriatric super dog is still mad about that one time Jack and Emily made out over his dying body, and it's time for him to grab a Sharpie and start killing.
Heart of the Ocean
If we've learned one thing from Titanic, it's this: if you fall in love with a dude named Jack never under any circumstances get on a boat with him. Tragically, Jack and Amanda fail to heed Celine Dion's wise words of maritime wisdom, frolick off on The Amanda, which is currently under siege by the Montauk Mafia.
It's like you think you and your seaman are making sweet love in private, but little do you know there's a weird coffee grinder/drug mule lurking underneath you like a creepy pervert. And obviously we're talking about Nate Ryan, who manages to sneak onto The Amanda (not to be confused with Amanda the person) in the hopes of killing everyone. Sigh, this is like The Godfather all over again, only with less cannolis and more lobsters. MAFIA, guys.
Turns out Nate wants Jack to fork over his half of The Stowaway to Conrad Grayson, but Amanda has a better idea: kill Nate before he can kill them! Unfortunately, Nate steals all the bullets out of Mandy's gun, so she buys herself more time by revealing that she used Jack. This faux-revelation makes Jack's hair flop limp with sadness, so what does he do? He logs onto a secret webcam and make a video-selfie of his tragic face. Presumably for a Livejournal blog.
Meanwhile, Emily's busy trolling Google for "giant cowl neck sweaters" when she discovers a picture of Nate peeping on Amanda and Jack in their pre-honeymoon pictures. Naturally, she flips her Loubies all over the place, hops in a motorboat, and has Nolan use his nerd-skills to locate The Amanda –– despite the fact that it's lost in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Oh, and if you're wondering what Aiden's up to, he and Padma are best friends. These two are total Initiative twinsies, and Aiden is determine to help a sista-friend out. On his suggestion, Padma demands proof from The Initiative that her pops is alive, and what do they do? They up and send her his finger. Thanks for the advice, Aiden. NOT.
In God Conrad We Trust
Remember last week when Victoria shot Helen Crowley? NBD (it's not like Victoria hasn't murdered before [see: that time she was a Mohican]), but unfortunately she has a dead body in her boathouse –– otherwise known as Daniel's love shack. Because nope, he still doesn't have his own apartment.
The good news? Now that Helen's dead, Daniel finally knows how evil The Initiative are! The bad news? The entire Grayson family is basically a bunch of homicidal maniacs, so they decide to do what they do best: throw a party to announce Conrad's campaign for governor!
Unfortunately, The Initiative send a new sleuthster named Trask to check in on Helen's whereabouts, but no big deal –– Conrad and Victoria simply pin her death on Amanda Clarke. And in case you're wondering, the police are literally nowhere to be seen.
In other news, Declan and Charlotte are still taking care of Baby Carl David, and we are still extremely worried. Lord knows it's only a matter of time before Declan weaves Carl a hemp onesie on a hand-whittled loom, and we're pretty sure the little dude is already forming a middle part in his baby hair.
I Will Go Down With This Ship
The time has come to binge eat comfort food. Please grab a slice of pizza, cover it in ramen noodles, and wash it down with some liquid mac n' cheese, because everything is happening and all of it is tragic. All we know is this: Jack has been shot and he's currently floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean.
Here's what goes down: Jack and Mandy convince Nate that the laptop with Connie's evidence is hidden in The Amanda's cabin. Once Nate's down there, they do ye olde switcheroo and lock him up while they inflate a life boat and jump overboard. Except Jack gets shot in the side (sigh, seamen), and Amanda is left on the boat while he drifts off into the great unknown. Her plan? To sink The Amanda. Again, girl has clearly never seen Titanic.
Meanwhile, Nolan finds Jack and takes him to the hospital, while Emily crawls aboard The Amanda to bring down Nate. OMG guys, THE GIRLS OF CELL BLOCK D ARE AT IT AGAIN! But sadly their adventure is a total fail. First Nate shoots a propane tank while fighting Emily, then Amanda shoots Nate in the back, and then Nate flicks on a lighter, causing the entire boat to explode into flames. So does Amanda make it out alive with Emily? Not so much. In fact she dies in Emily's arms only to be shoved out to sea.
We'll miss you, Amanda. Save a spot for us in Girls of Cell Block D heaven.
What did you think of tonight’s episode of Revenge? Are you still weeping over the loss of Fauxmandy? Tell us below!