In the words of Alfred Hitchcock, “revenge is sweet but not fattening” –– which is why Emily gets away with binge-eating sea creatures during her daily swims in the ocean without gaining weight. Also, by "swims" we definitely mean "ritualistic drowning-sessions."

This week, Em and her fine self strutted around the Hamptons trying to ruin the hopes and dreams of various socialites, and it looks like homegirl has herself a new sidekick. We see you, Aiden. We see you, and yes, we're in love with you.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

So, what's the latest with our girl Emily? First on the revengenda is breaking Charlotte out of her corrupted rehab facility. Pshhh, ain't no thing –– Em just makes a quick call to Daniel, tells him about Dr. Thomas' nefarious history, and before you can say "clambake" Dan hops over to Char's bunker to save the day. Unfortunately, Charlotte is in a bitter rage because Daniel was unable to stop Conrad from stealing her inheritance and investing it in Grayson Global, so she ends up getting a ride home from Emily. You know, because Em just happens to show up at the rehab facility –– which, by the way, really needs to look into their security system.

Emily's rouse is simple: To use Amanda's baby bump as a tool to prevent Victoria from fleeing the country with Charlotte under new identities. Easy! Em simply arranges for her secret sister to have an impromptu beach bonding session with Amanda and her burgeoning love child, and as you might expect, Char is over-the-moon by the prospect of being an aunt. In fact, she abandons her mom in favor of chilling in the Hamptons and spending Daniel's trust money (which he forks over in a fit of guilt), and let's just say Victoria is less than thrilled. And by that we mean she hard-core rejects Charlotte while Emily sits by and makes Simpsons-like Mr. Burns fingers. So, how will Victoria respond to Em's crafty plan? Keep reading, Revengers.

Oh, by the way –– Takeda's prodigy, Aiden, is stateside. And he's pretending to be some kind of high-power investor at Grayson Global. Hmmm, revengey!

Baby Makes Three

Time to check in on Fauxmanda and the fruit of her looms. At this point we still have no idea who sperminated this girl, but one thing's for sure: Jack's suspicious, and he demands that Mandy take a paternity test. As you might expect, the poor lamb had a one night stand with some rando while she was a wayward grifter (cough, Takeda, cough), and she's worried the bun in her oven might not belong to Jack Attack.

Surprisingly, Emily agrees to help Mandy as thanks for making nice with Charlotte, so it looks like Jack and his wayward stripper girlfriend are going to be one big, happy family! And yes, the baby is actually Jack's (though Em tells Amanda that it's someone else's just to be mean). Somewhere the ghost of Sammy is weeping soft tears.

So, what's Nolan up to while Emily's sleuthing? Oh, you know, just chillin' in Em's house with his beautiful accounting analyst, Padma. This gorgeous lady wants Nolan to hire a CFO for his company, but we have a feeling they'll be knocking loafers before too long –– mostly because Nolan asks her to fill the position on the spot. Sure, Pads and Nolan might bond over things like Justin Bieber vomiting on stage, polo shirts, and whether one can wear white after Labor Day, but can we really trust her? That remains to be seen.

Speaking of people we can't trust, Declan has a new friend named Trey. Who knows if it's Dec's poufy hair, his hemp necklace, or his freaky accent, but Trey wants in on that action. Actually, scratch that –– dude seems completely and totally evil, much like everyone else in this show. In fact, Trey wants Declan to stow his stepmom's sparkly necklace in exchange for $500, which makes Declan a jewelry mule.

The Sting

Sigh, Spaniel. This hunk is super angst-ridden about that one time his dad stole all his sister's money (aka five minutes ago), so he heads to Grayson Global for a show down. Obviously, the poor dear flips his weave all over the place before stomping off in a tizzy, and let's just say Conrad's day is ruined. But it's about to get a lot worse. You guessed it –– Victoria (who is devastated that she can't access Charlotte's inheritance) calls up her ex-hubby to be like "I'm back, bitches!" and forces him to visit her in the Catskills.

Their altercation goes a little something like this: Victoria accuses Conrad of trying to kill her, and then asks him to hit her and bind her –– and not in a 50 Shades way. Apparently, Victoria's lack of cash flow has given her no choice but to stay in the USofA, and now she wants to join forces with Connie and pin her "kidnapping" on the sinister geriatric commonly known as the White-Haired Man. The best part? Conrad gets to pretend that he stole Charlotte's inheritance to meet their adversary's ransom! Chills, chills, a million chills!

Of course, little does Victoria know that the White-Haired Man is actually working with Emily, who has every intention of providing him with Clam Cam recordings of Connie beating up his wife. But this is Emily Thorne we're talking about –– girlfriend never gives up her goods unless she gets something in return, and this time she's wants information about her mom.

Thanks to the White-Haired Man's flashbacks, we learn that Victoria released Kara from prison after poisoning her against David. The good news is that Kara's alive, but the bad news? Now the White-Haired Man wants to kill Emily!

Thank the lobster lords for Aiden's stalking ways, because he shoots the White-Haired Man in the back, causing Emily to get blood on her white silk blouse, which is even worse than having it on her hands. Sigh, someone call Gucci –– and a coroner.
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