The time has come to prison tattoo a double infinity sign on your forehead, and a quadruple infinity sign on your knuckles. Yes, Revenge is upon us, and this week we're finally getting a glimpse of what happened to Victoria Grayson on the fated night her plane blew up. You know, when she started squatting in that dubiously decorated hunting lodge? Good, taxidermied times.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Last time we checked on Emily, she was being straddled by the White-Haired Man (not in a sexy way, tragically), but surprise! Turns out Em's fellow revenger, Aiden, popped our frosty friend full of bullets, and now he's dead on her floor. Now, you might think Emily would be grateful to Aiden for saving her life, but instead she whacks him on the head with a wine bottle (hah, as if she drinks anything but boxed) and hurls him in a dumpster.

Credit: ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney Photo: Emily Thorne and Aiden Mathis Make Out in Revenge Season 2, Episode 3, "Confidence"

Aiden wakes up moments before being murdered by a garbage disposal, and hops over to the backwoods to check out the White-Haired Man's hotel room. As you might expect, he discovers a treasure trove of sketchy surprises –– namely, a bed bug-ridden mattress and the black box flight recorder from Victoria's plane. Oh, and as Aiden makes his way out he has a quick chat with the hotel's owner, who is none other than Emily's mom. It's all happening Revengers. We give you permission to binge eat caviar in excitement. 

By the way, if you're still wondering how Emily and Aiden know each other, welcome to 2008 –– a beautiful year wherein these virginal vigilantes would make out out in stark rooms, and frolic through Takeda's training mazes while being chased by adorable puppies. Yep, Aids and Ems were lovahs –– until Aiden cruelly left Emily behind to find his long-lost sister #deadtome. 

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Nolan and his new hairdo might be busy hanging with Padma in NYC, but that doesn't mean he can't juggle some revenge on the side. First on the agenda? Breaking into the White-Haired Man's phone!

Sadly, Nolan doesn't find anything except for our frosty friend's personal number, but that doesn't stop him from jetting over to the Hamptons to deliver Em her goods. Of course, the poor dear ends up getting attacked by Aiden in the process (sigh), but hey –– at least Emily has her would-be killer's SIM card! Now, time for a crafty switcheroo.

Em agrees to trade Aiden's black box in exchange for the White-Haired Man's belongings –– except for one key momento. Em keeps the White-Haired Man's pocket watch, which happens to have a picture of her mom on the inside! Swoon, we're sensing a love connection the likes of which we haven't seen since we last eye-sexed our picture of Josh Bowman.

On a different, completely unrelated and nerdy note, we are so worried about Declan. He's taken to breaking into people's homes, and he really, really sucks at it. In fact, he gets caught after dropping his driver's license (most hilarious photo ever, by the way), and now has to do a walk of shame with all his stolen goods. Sigh, Declan. Your hemp necklace is so disappointed in you right now. As are your decorative seashell lockets.

It's a Cruel, Cruel, Cruel Summer

In case you've blocked it out, Jack the Seaman has sperminated Fauxmanda, and now she is ripe with the fruit of their mutual looms. Their love child is moments about from springing forth from Amanda's lady parts, and the poor girl has taken to huffing bottles of whiskey. Even more concerning? Jack and Amanda have no money for their future bambino, and Jack refuses to take cash from Auntie Charlotte.

Thank the wayfarer overlords that Emily is godmother –– but her services don't come without a price. Emily forces Amanda to do her yet another favor in exchange for fake-faking her paternity test, so Mandy waddles over to Grayson Manor to give Charlotte one of David Clarke's journals. Let's just say Char is less than thrilled when she finds out about her mom's deranged tendencies.

Speaking of Victoria, we're finally treated to a flashback of the night her plane exploded! Turns out Victoria received a call from everyone's favorite white-haired geriatric, who threatened to blow her up unless she went into hiding and forked over Charlotte's inheritance. Obviously, no one knows the truth except for Conrad and Charlotte, which means Daniel and his sad puppy eyes are totally out of the loop. Well, until Aiden sends him Victoria's forged passport, that is.

White Wedding

Here's what goes down, Revengers. The Graysons are in the middle of an epic media storm, so Victoria decides to hold a press junket in order to calm the masses. Unfortunately, Vicki's interview with Vanity Fair is ruined when Charlotte bursts in and announces that David Clarke is her real father –– but fear not lobster-loving fashionistas. Victoria out-revenges everyone by announcing her 80s-style affair with David Clarke to the media –– while simultaneously welcoming Amanda and her baby bump into the family.  Hmmm, looks like the Revenger has out revenged the revengee. Or something like that.

But wait, there's more! While Victoria is giving her revelatory confession, Conrad aligns himself with the Initiative, and then decides to tell Vanity Fair that he and Victoria are getting married. Umm, we know this is supposed to be a bad thing, but is anyone else extremely excited for this wedding? We've already picked out our hair extensions, that's all we're saying.

Tragically, where one relationship is blossoming like a giant buttery oyster, another is crashing and burning. Poor Fauxmanda goes home only to have Jack break up with her for lying about her whereabouts, and it's just like, jeez, Jack. This is not how you treat your eight month pregnant whiskey-huffing baby mama.

Then again, now Jack and Emily can finally date –– although girlfriend's kinda busy ugly-crying in her bungalow while listening to voicemails from her mom to the White-Haired Man. Yep, as we suspected they were lovers, and now thanks to Aiden's trigger-happy finger, Em's mom has to "go dark" –– whatever that means.

Tune in next week to see the Grayson’s table settings for the reception how the drama unfolds.


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