You guys, tears. This week's ritualistic bout of Revenging was more than a little emotional, and our caviar is now salted with bodily fluids thanks to an especially traumatizing bout of ugly-crying. Yes, that's right — more townies are on the brink of death in the Hamptons, and as usual everyone's favorite vigilante is involved. Sigh, Emily. Being her friend is basically the kiss of death. Just ask Sammy. Oh wait, he's lying stone-cold in a sand dune.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, by which we mean everyone is still trying to revenge each other. Daniel's revenging all over his computer, Victoria's revenging all over her husband, and Emily's revenging all over a bunch of lobsters. Speaking of Em, she's still trying to find her possibly evil mom — and first up? Real-talking with Aiden and his ambiguously British accent. Emily forces her scorned lover to admit that he found Kara, and after finger-wagging him she zeros in on Victorious Victoria for info. With a little help from Fauxmanda and her baby bump, natch!
Emily invites Mandy to be her roomie post breakup with Jack, and obviously expects to be paid back in sleuthing. The mission? To show Victoria David Clarke's journals in an effort to learn more about the mysterious looney tunes known as Kara Wallace Clarke.
Emily uses Nolan's nerd skills to hack into the Grayson security system and set Mandy up with an earpiece, but unfortunately Victoria doesn't take to the bait. Plan B? Amanda will demand $100k in exchange for David's journals, which will allow Emily to compare Victoria's signature to that of "Charlotte Clarke" (confirming that Vicki did in fact visit Kara in her insane asylum). Bwahahaha, it's all coming together.
By the way, if you're wondering about Daniel, he's kinda busy beating Conrad at his own game — which apparently involves a lot of math and stressful calculator punching. The good news is that Ashley has finally joined Team Danny, and is no longer working for Connie — who spends most of this episode hanging out in the desolated swamp land that is The Initiative. All we know is that these people love wearing leather.
Binders Full of Nolans
Sigh, Declan. 1) Maybe you shouldn't have become a jewelry mule, and 2) Here, take this dry-shampoo and make it your new best friend. Declan already has 99 problems, and everything is getting realer than real now that the man he stole from wants $20k. Even worse? Said man is secretly working with Trey. We know. We know. Apparently this dude really wants to buy The Stowaway and his master plan is to con Jack into selling it! You know, because The Stowaway is such a hot commodity.
But enough about Declan's quarter-of-a-quarter-life crisis. Let's talk about Nolan. This poor guy gets a shock when his dad up and dies, but fear not! Padma sneaks over to Papa Ross' storage unit and grabs a giant binder about Nolan's achievements, which prompts one lone tear to drip down his face. Awww, Nols! Apparently tragedy is quite the turn-on for Emily's sidekick, and he makes his move on Padma with a lovey-dovey makeout session. Sigh, this is cute and all, but we'll forever mourn TyleNol. Never forget!
Now, onto Aiden, who wanders over to Kara's motel under the pretense of being FBI and proceeds to get himself tazed. Did he learn nothing from those adorable puppies back in Japan? Clearly dude didn't get them memo about Kara and Emily sharing the same skinny genes (size V for vigilante) — but don't worry, he makes his escape after several hours of grunting, and we expect him to recover from tazeritus at any moment now.
If there's one thing Victoria has learned from her stint with Daniel Day Lewis and the Mohicans, it's that self-preservation is key. It's more important than ever that the Graysons maintain a united front in the wake of Victoria's "abduction," so she decides to throw Amanda a baby shower! And no, Mason, Blue Ivy, and Suri Cruise did not get an invite. Please, the future genius/vigilante that is Baby Carl David does not associate with plebes.
As you might expect, Amanda is less than thrilled about Victoria's soiree, so she invites three of her stripper besties from yesteryear to crash. Despite the presence of commoners, Victoria manages to whisk Mandy away without catching a venereal disease, and before we know it they're chatting about David Clarke's big secret while Emily listens-in using a shoddy cell connection. So, why did David tell his daughter that Kara was dead? Because Kara tried to kill baby Amanda (cue gasps) – a horrifying revelation that Em isn't able to hear due to her bad cell connection. Yikes, no wonder girlfriend has issues.
But, wait – there's more! As Victoria and Amanda take their conversation to the staircase, Victoria suddenly grabs onto Amanda's check, causing her to topple down over the mini-balcony and onto the marble floor below. Basically, this is the worst baby shower ever. Amanda gets whisked off to the ER, but guys? It's not looking good. The time has come to pour some Perrier out for our fallen homie, because Fauxmanda's life might be taken by the Grimm Reaper aka The Ghost of Sammy. All we know is that our favorite stripper (other than Tyra Banks circa Coyote Ugly) is in a coma, and her baby is in the NICU. Sob!
In other breaking news, Kara hears about Amanda's accident on the radio and wanders over to the hospital, which prompts Em to have an immediate flashback to her mom drowning her. It's all happening, revengers! And yes, Emily is a hot mess. Thank God she has Aiden to snuggle with. Hugs for thugs.
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