Raise your hand if you spent Sunday night surrounded by emergency storm supplies –– aka flats of Perrier, hemp (with which to braid, obvs), labrador retriever puppies, and the dulcet tones of Revenge. Thought so. It might be hurricane season on the east coast, but summer is hotter than ever in the Hamptons, by which we mean even more people are hurling themselves off balconies than usual. Bring it, lobster lovers!
Baby Makes Three
So, let's talk about Fauxmanda. Last time we checked on this wayward stripper she was in a medically induced coma with Kara "I Heart Murder" Clarke stroking her head. So yes, there is cause for concern. The good news? Amanda is awake! The bad news? Kara is all up in her grill wanting to bond. And it's just like, lady, do you honestly not realize Mandy looks nothing like you?! Think with your mind.
As you might expect, Kara's presence is throwing Emily for quite the quadruple infinity loop, so she does what anyone would do and spoons her feelings away with the beautiful British vigilante known as Aiden Mathis. But don't be fooled, friends –– Emily isn't about to fall in love. She just needs a hunky shoulder to leak tears on before turning her robot panel to "Destroy." Her new goal? To bring down the Graysons and learn more about her mother!
Em heads to the hospital to visit Baby Carl David, only to end up running into Kara –– who rambles on about ye olden times and tells Em that Amanda was an angelic friend to spiders. Pshhh, whatever you say, lady. Unfortunately, Mason Treadwell and his ascot rain on Em and Kara's bondathon, and you guessed it: this handsome gent wants in on Kara's reunion with Amanda. Um, also Mason can't stop staring at Amanda's back. Either he is a total perv or something fishy is going on. More on that later.
In other news, congratulations are in order! Montauk's favorite seaman is a daddy, and yes –– we're extremely worried about Baby CD growing up with middle parted hair. But whatever, there are more important things at play than small, floppy-haired noobs. Jack is being conned out of The Stowaway thanks to Declan's epic larceny fails, and the situation is spiraling out of control. Not only does Conman Kenny kick things up a notch by finding someone to fix the bar at a discount price, he offers to take the whole establishment off Jack's hands in exchange for forgiving Declan's debt. Sigh, there's no way this won't end in bro-tears, by which we mean Declan's tears.
Well guys, Victoria is officially taking a break from pushing pregnant women off her balcony. Yep, it's time to chillax with some decorative rose bushes! Unfortunately, Baby V's gardening is disrupted by her former arch nemesis, Kara, who shows up all, "oh heyyyy, can I stay here?" and proceeds to wrap Victoria in a giant bear hug. Naturally, Victoria thinks Kara and Fauxmanda are working together to bring down Grayson Global, so she welcomes Kara into the fold and spends most of this episode searching her belongings. The usual.
By the way, if you're wondering what Aiden is up to, the answer is no good. His sleuthing is completely out of control –– so much so that he heads to Grayson Global and wreaks total havoc. Here's what goes down: Aiden learns that Padma wants details from Daniel about David Clarke's old school connection to Nolcorp. The problem? Nolcorp didn't invest with Grayson Global until Tyler was in the picture, which means Padma is lying. Aiden hits up Emily with the info so she can tell Nolan (poor dude's beachfront breakfast with Pads is totally ruined), but then? Then Aiden goes insane in the membrane.
Aiden tells Daniel that Padma was likely following up on David Clarke's personal investment in Nolcorp, which he made shortly before his incarceration. This investment was technically linked to Grayson Global, which means they have ties to Nolcorp's fortune. Cah-ching!
Unfortunately, Conrad is none the wiser because he's hunkered down at Grayson Manor with his Ice Queen, and it looks like they're taking their relationship to a whole new level of creepy. These two are convinced that Kara's communicating with the White-Haired Man thanks to her suspicious cell phone history, so they decide that –– duh –– they should probably get married. After all, if Connie and Victoria put a ring on it, they can't legally testify against each other in a court of law. Graysons FTW!
Well, guys, Amanda and Jack are kissing on the lips again, which means they're either back together or super into European greetings. Luckily, they aren't shacked up, which means the Girls of Cell Block D are bunking in Em's bungalow! The only problem? Kara's living next door, and she isn't exactly an ideal neighbor....
Emily arranges for Fauxmanda to tell Kara to peace out, but shockingly Kara delivers a heartfelt apology for that unfortunate drowning incident, and Mandy up and forgives her. You might think that Emily would be mad, but girlfriend is so moved by the whole love fest that she takes it upon herself to tell Amanda the truth about Jack's paternity. We're crying, they're crying, Sammy's ghost is crying, we're huffing smoked salmon, basically everyone is a hot mess.
But now, back to what matters: Mason's seemingly pervy fetish for Amanda's back. Turns out Mason is so intrigued in this gal's hot bod because the OG Amanda Clarke (aka Emily Thorne) has an enormous burn on her back that was inflicted during a fire. In fact, Mason is so worked up about this back switcheroo that he wanders over to Emily's bungalow, accuses Amanda of being an imposter, and drops a big truth bomb (read: file of papers) on her lap. Looks like Em's real identity is about to be revealed, ya'll!
Tune in next week to see a Grayson wedding in Tuscany! Like we need to remind you. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Weigh in below!