You guys, Shakespeare would have such a huge crush on Emily Thorne. Dude was super into revenge (and giant, flouncy blouses), but he had it all wrong. Revenge isn't about confused friars and people named "Mercutio," it's all about passive aggressive lobster slayings and double infinity signs.

This week's episode of our favorite show triumphed in all kinds of revengey ways.
And bonus — Emily spent a lot of time wandering around in her token black hoodie.

The Sting

The time has come to tailspin into hysteria and panic: Mason Treadwell knows Fauxmanda is an imposter. In case you'd blocked out last week's game-changing episode, the OG Amanda Clarke has burn scars on her back from some sketchy foster fire, and Fauxmanda most definitely doesn't.

Luckily, Emily has a plan up her couture sleeves, and it involves making her doppleganger have yet another awkward conversation. Mandy meets with Mason, convinces him that she had reconstructive surgery, and casually alerts him to the fact that Conrad knew Victoria's "captor." Two birds, one stone. Before long, Emily's well-placed clues lead Mason to the White-Haired Man's body and one of Conrad's cufflinks, and he decides it's time to bring the Graysons down.  

Oh, and if you've been wondering how Ems kept the White-Haired Man's bod so fresh and so clean-clean, fear not. She just shoved him in a giant ice box, with the intention of planting the gun that was used to kill him in Conrad's car. Obviously, this level of sleuthing calls for Em's black hoodie, which can only mean one thing: Innocent labrador retrievers will die tonight.

In other news, Aiden Mathis is still scheming around Grayson Global with Daniel, and it's just like, friend. If you're going to be all up in Emily's revenge zone, at least do us a favor and be shirtless. Otherwise, please return to herding Takeda's troop of fluffy puppies. Thank goodness Aiden makes himself useful by making Ems his date to Victoria and Conrad's nefarious nuptials, because he definitely isn't pulling his weight in revenge gold.

And in case you're wondering, yes –– the deranged murderess commonly known as Kara Wallace Clarke is still living it up at Grayson Manor, and she's taken to huffing Victoria's perfume while having gentle flashbacks to her love making sessions with the White-Haired Man. Also she's currently painting a creepy rendition of Grayson Manor, because apparently she has lots of free-time.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Time to check on Montauk's most emo bartender-turned-daddy, Jack Porter. This seaman is all kinds of relieved that he can finally partner off The Stowaway to Kenny "I Have An Irrational Love For Divebars" Ryan, but little does Jack know he's being conned. Kenny is bad news, bears, and his newest scheme? To smuggle janky liquor from The Black Market into The Stowaway.

As usual, we blame Declan. And speaking of this former Van der Woodsen, it looks like Decs and Charlotte are making sweet love with their eyes again. Thanks to Declan, Charlotte's all about hugs not drugs, and she's also all about weird things like "the truth." Yep, this girl is sitting out her mom and pop's wedding, which means she's missing free hors d'oeuvres. Get your priorities in order, lady.

By the way, if you're concerned about Nolan and Padma, the verdict is still out about whether their love will blossom like a beautiful lobster tail. Nolan's falling hard for his CFO, so he takes her to the Grayson wedding to get a read on whether or not she can be trusted. The good news? It looks like Padma is innocent — at least that's what she tells Nolan. The bad? Padma and Nols think it's socially acceptable to wear matching outfits.

Going to The Chapel of Love

It's a nice day for a white wedding! And when we say white wedding, we really mean grey wedding, because a) Neither Victoria nor Conrad Grayson are virgins, and b) It's really hard to get blood stains out of a white dress. One never knows when a pregnant stripper is going to throw herself from your balcony. Also, we'd like to start things off by noting that Conrad's pre-wedding present to Victoria is a bedazzled handgun. Best. Husband. Ever.

As you might expect, this happy couple's big day is filled with beautiful people, caviar and the stench of fear, and it goes off without a hitch! Unless you count Emily looking totally deranged and unstable as a hitch, which we don't. But then? Then comes the reception in which Victoria and Daniel slow dance so she can give him worldly advice about taking over Grayson Global, and Conrad gets arrested by the Feds. You know, the usual.

Here's what goes down: Emily and Daniel are having an emotional discussion about their passionate love for each other (read: Daniel's chatting while Emily's eyes glaze over), when the Feds bust in fresh off of searching Grayson Manor thanks to Mason's tip. What follows is a frenzy of emotion: Conrad's hauled to the clink only to get released by The Initiative, Charlotte and Declan makeout while our eyes burn, and best of all? Victoria tells Mason that Emily used to be in juvy, which prompts him to make a giant revenge board using red string and newspaper clippings. Looks like someone knows about The Girls of Cell Block D!

So, what's the aftermath of this hot mess? First, Kara wanders over to The Stowaway only to learn about her hubby's slaying (which inspires her to proverbially bitch slap Victoria in the most cray-cray way ever), then Em rejects Aiden's sexy British advances, and finally, Jack pops the question to Amanda on The Amanda. Meta and cute, but let's not forget that girlfriend is living a lie. To quote Tom Hanks in Cloud Atlas "that's not the true true."

Will bowtie-loving blogger uncork Em’s identity (and another bottle of scotch)? Guess you’ll having to tune in next week to find out! What did you think of tonight’s episode? Tell us below!


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