Please grab the nearest available hemp necklace (a trip to 2006 may be necessary), put on some boat shoes, and slip into your favorite black hoodie. Revenge is upon us. Well, Revenge and binge-eating. This episode pretty much caused us to stress-eat our way through four containers of caviar, that's how good it was.

In other news, baby Carl David Porter continues to be way better than all your faves, thanks for asking.

What Happens in Juvy Stays in...

The time has come to pay a visit to Mason Treadwell and his bad self. This dude has learned all kinds of life lessons thanks to his yarn-covered craft board of revenge, but the real kicker? Emily Thorne's connection to Fauxmanda Clarke. Yep, Mason thinks The Girls of Cell Block D were lesbian lovers from another mother who spent their free time braiding each other's hair and reenacting scenes from Wild Things. We wish, guys. We wish.

As you might have guessed, Mason spends most of this episode trolling around Montauk on a sleuthy mission, and his first stop is Emily's bungalow. Obviously, Em eye-rolls at the prospect of making sweet love to Amanda (as if she'd mack on a mere peasant), but Mason is too close to the truth. Much like his protege, Mason Disick. Why must they both be so smart?!?!?

Emily's worried about Mason connecting the dots, so she tells Amanda not to have any contact with him. Unfortunately, dude just won't give up, which leaves Mandy no choice but to tell Mason that Emily is a cray-cray stalker who has a huge crush on her. But don't worry, it's all part of Amanda's master plan to get Mason alone so she can kill him with a crowbar. You know, the usual. Luckily, Emily busts in to stop Amanda, and is just like, "I'm the real Amanda Clarke, suckas!"

Our reaction: "dhsjadhsjahdjskad."

Credit: Richard Cartwright/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney Photo: Daniel Addresses the Guests in Revenge Season 2, Episode 7, "Penance"

The Ugly Truth

Important breaking news: Kara Wallace Clarke is peacing out of the Hamptons to move to Colorado Springs, Colorado, where we assume she will join a commune and get blazed up on weed –– or as her people (read: hippies) call it, "reefers." Naturally, Emily feels all kinds of sad thoughts about her mom's big move, but does she cry? Please, let's not get crazy.

Kara uses Victoria's card to bankroll her trip, but OMG –– stop everything. She doesn't actually leave! Though this frazzled nutter intends to go rogue with a bunch of snack foods (the munchies, guys), a surprising call from Mason alters her plans. Mason asks Kara to meet him in Montauk and encourages her to leave town as Em feeds him lines, but unfortunately he gets all theatrical and goes off script. Basically, Mason tells Kara that David was framed, and she's all, "Ahhhh, I must kill everyone!"  

Meanwhile, The British Bombshell known as Aiden Mathis is desperate to get in Emily's good books (also known as her pants). Aiden's sole responsibility is making sure Daniel takes over Grayson Global, which apparently involves forcing Nolan to fork over proof of David Clarke's original investment in Nolcorp. This means Emily's share in the company will never be discovered –– but the bad news? Nolan's nerdy business cred could be destroyed!

So, what's up with Jack and his new haircut? This hunk is still busy being conned by Kenny, who is in an elaborate revenge scheme with his brother Nate. All we know is that they want to bring down every business on "the dock" in some crazy seamen coup. So, yeah. That's happening. 

Credit: Richard Cartwright/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney Photo: Victoria Talks to Daniel in Revenge Season 2, Episode 7, "Penance"

Mamma Mia!

Pray for Conrad, 'cause guys? It's not looking good. Poor Connie has taken to lounging on the beach barefoot (see? we're in crisis), and is in a deep depression now that he's The Initiative's lackey. Fortunately, Victoria is just as worried about Connie as we are, and she's all about teaming up with her man to take down The Initiative. LOL, good luck with that.

Of course, Conrad and Victoria don't realize that their real enemy is their own son. Daniel has finally hit puberty, and he no longer spends his time crying and writing haikus. Boyfriend is all grown up, and he's taking over the family business! Danny's plan is to undermine Conrad and stage a coup at the annual investor's meeting, but what he doesn't realize is that Kara Wallace Clarke is busy trying to kill his parents.

Kara wanders into Grayson Manor (because there is literally zero security in this place), disables the cameras, finds a gun, and holds Connie and Victoria hostage in their boudoir. We know, right? Revengey! Here's what goes down: As Emily flies into a panic because her cameras aren't working, Conrad confesses his crimes and Victoria drops the truth bomb that the White-Haired Man killed David Clarke. This information causes Kara to spiral into a murder-happy panic, but before she can pop a bullet in Connie and Victoria's brains, Aiden "Friend to Small Puppies" Mathis bursts in the room and knocks Kara out. Lady friend wakes up the next day convinced that Aiden is a legit FBI agent and promises to leave town, so um? Bye girl?

Oh, and if you're wondering about Mason, he is currently rotting in a jail cell. Turns out Emily is in the mood for vengeance, so she calls the Feds, who find a few key pieces of evidence planted in his house and naturally assume that he killed the White-Haired Man. Great sleuthing, guys. Of course, Em always has an end-game, and this time it's to cut a deal with Mason. He'll write a tell-all while in jail for crimes he didn't commit, and in exchange Emily will exonerate him when she feels like it. So how does girlfriend celebrate? The only way a gal should: a makeout session with Aiden Matthis!

Sadly, our favorite show will be off next week for a little thing called the American Music Awards, but never fear, Nov. 25th’s episode is entirely in flashback format (cue Daniel Grayson in old rugbys!).

What did you think of tonight’s excitement? Tell us below! 


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