Poor baby Carl David. This little bundle of joy has a stripper-turned-murderer for a mother, and a wayward seaman for a father. Basically, it's not looking good. But the worst part? This adorable bambino's godfather is none other than Declan Porter, lobster thief and professional narc. 

Let's not forget that Declan's role as godfather involves being a spiritual guide and educating young Carl in right and wrong, neither of which Decs knows anything about.

And need we remind you that Declan's life achievements include "Jewelry Mule" and "Lover of Shell Necklaces"? We're so concerned about the kind of influence he'll have on innocent Carl. Lord knows this poor kid will be decked out in hemp by the time he's toddling, and don't even get us started on the hair. Middle-parted flops don't look good on babies, guys.

The good news? Declan knows a thing or two about dating ladies who are way too good for him, so hopefully he can educate baby Carl in the art of flirting.