Things are happening in the Hamptons, and all of them are Revengey. Daniel is revenging all over his parents, The Montauk Mafia are blowing their revenge wads all over The Stowaway, and Emily is revenging all up in everyone's grill. Like, we're worried she's going to start Sharpie-tatting red Xs on people's actual faces. But that pales in comparison to this week's real highlight: the baptism of our lord and savior Baby Carl David.
Game of Thrones
The only thing Hamptonites love more than binge eating caviar and frolicking in the sand is a good ol' fashioned skeet-shooting session. Which is presumably why Victoria spent most of this episode dressed up like a renaissance faire jester meets Henry VIII. Skeet-shooting is a pretty dramatic affair, guys, and not just because of all the ruffled collars –– it looks like Daniel is gearing up to take the Grayson Global throne!
Yep, Daniel is on the hunt for double-infinity revenge, and he's successfully grasping the reins of Nolcorp thanks to David Clarke's investment and Nolan’s mysteriously liquidated offshore account –– a lovely tidbit Daniel learns from Nolan's ex-CFO/lover, Marco (Polo!).
Daniel threatens to track down Nolcorp's missing dolla dolla bills if Nolan doesn't give him 51 percent controlling interest in the company –– which means Nolcorp is officially owned by Grayson Global! Geez, when did Daniel became so evil? We long for the days when he sold seashells by the seashore and wrote poetry about said seashells.
But there's hope yet! Victoria and Conrad are determined to make sure Daniel doesn't rise to power at Grayson Global, presumably to prevent him from accidentally partaking in a terrorist plot like some people. But will they be successful? Not so much.
Leave The Gun, Take The Cannoli
Guys, please clutch a rosary. There is an angel among us. Of course, we're talking about Baby Carl David, Fauxmanda and Jack's love child who has officially been anointed Patron Saint of The Hamptons. That's right BCD's baptism is upon us, because apparently Jack and Amanda are religious. Who knew?
As you might expect, Emily is a VIP at the baptism (what with being Baby Carl's godmother), and as she's called upon to witness his beautiful head being dipped into a font, she realizes that she'll never have what Jack and Fauxmanda have. You know, because once she's done revenging, she'll turn into a cat lady (spoiler alert: all her future cats are named Sammy).
In other news, The Montauk Mafia (Kenny and Nate Ryan) hit up Baby Carl David's baptism, and they only have one thing on their bromancing minds: revenge! These two are determined to take down whoever killed their pops, which brings us to Matt Duncan –– who shows up at Carl David's baptism. We smell trouble! And shellfish. Mostly because Nate and Kenny beat Matt within an inch of his life in a foggy alleyway filled with lobster. Luckily, Jack runs to Matt's aide in time to hear him confess to killing Nate and Kenny's father, but the real kicker? These bros think Papa Porter was the murderer, which means they're coming for Jack and Decs next!
The time has come to check in on our favorite British Temptress, Ashley "Cheap Trick" Davenport. Turns out there's more to this little lady than meets the eye: girlfriend is determined to turn Daniel against Aiden for reasons that have yet to be discovered, which is a major problem for Emily. After all, Aiden is integral to her plot to take down Grayson Global! Luckily, Emily just happens to have footage of Ash getting frisky with Conrad Grayson, which she and Nolan send directly to Victoria's cell phone.
As you might expect, Baby V whips her hair back and forth in a rage –– especially when she realizes that The Initiative might have sent her the video as a way of driving a wedge between herself and Conrad — pshhhh, as if. Instead, Victoria and Conrad put their heads together and blackmail Ashley into sleeping with a smarmy board member named Salvador in exchange for keeping her infidelity a secret. Why? To persuade Salvador into voting for Conrad!
Of course, Emily isn't going to let Daniel's chance at helming Grayson Global slip away, so she has Aiden rendezvous with Daniel at the inn where Ash and Salvador are getting jiggy with it. Danny flies into a poetic tizzy, breaks up with Ashley on the spot (see you never, girl), and tells Salvador to vote Team Daniel or else.
The good news? Daniel gains control of Grayson Global thanks to plotting, scheming, and general whoring around. The bad? Daniel kicks Aiden off the board because thanks to his jealousy issues (D+E = 4EVA), and oh yeah –– he's being stalked by The Initiative.
By the way, if you're wondering about our boy Nolan and his double-popped pink collar, he's being blackmailed by Marco. We know, we know, how much blackmail can the Revenge Powers That Be pack into one episode? The thing is, Marco's threatening to put Amanda Clarke's name on the grid if Nolan doesn't give him a job at Nolcorp, and it looks like there's no way out. Sigh, the lengths this poor dude has to go through to satisfy Em's double infinity fetishes.
That’s all for Revenge in 2012! Tune in on Sunday, Jan. 6, 2013 for the next episode. What did you think of tonight’s winter finale? Sound off below!