Things are even more complicated than usual over at Bridget’s House of Haute Messes! This week? There’s yet another hunk who wants in on her action — and this one’s a drug addict!
Will Bridge survive another day living in her sister’s Louboutins, or will her web of lies come crashing down around her?
Last time we checked in on Bridget, she was strapped to a hospital bed being prodded by an ultra-sound machine after her Malcolm-induced fainting spell. The result? Bridget and Andrew find out that her womb is empty (shocker!), and are left to deal with the loss of their fake baby.
Andrew’s not the only hunk on the Upper East Side who’s bummed about Bridget’s belly bump. Henry (aka The Real Fake Father) is devastated that his baby mama had a “ectopic pregnancy,” and he spirals into yet another fit of ennui.
As sad as we are that Bridget lost her imaginary baby, we can’t help but feel it’s for the best. After all, Henry already has those imaginary twins of his to deal with.
Meanwhile, Bridget’s dramaliscious life gets even more complicated by the arrival of Malcolm, who’s taken to trolling around Manhattan on a quest for a luvin’ spoonful of heroin.
Bridget’s desperate to reconnect with her sponsor, so she sneaks out of the house while Andrew’s sleeping to meet Malcolm at a cheap motel. Malcolm wants Bridget to skip town and run away with him, but she’s like “Woah, woah, woah, my name’s ‘Shiv’ now” and hands Malcolm a giant wad of cash.
He gives her a six-months sobriety coin in return, which is so not as good as her three-month sobriety present — a giant cake and hot sex.
Of course, Malcolm uses Bridget’s money to score himself a fix of smack, and immediately trips out in his room. But his reunion with The Big H is ruined by Agent Machado, who takes Malcolm into the precinct for questioning.
Don’t worry, if Malc can hold out giving info to Bodoway’s Henchman, he can deal with Agent Machado and his guyliner.
C’mon Baby, Light My Fire!
The next morning, Bridget stares at herself in the mirror for a few minutes and flashes back to the first day she met Malcolm. You know, back when she was a washed up drug addict in serious need of a makeover.
After returning to reality, she heads out for a coffee date with Charlie and gets an update about Gemma’s car. Unfortunately for Charlie, Bridget zones out again, flashes back to the good ol’ days and leaves — which gives Charlie an opportunity to call Siobhan for an update!
Over at The Office, Andrew fires his company’s Head of Operations (we smell Shiv’s Chanel perfume all over this), and confides in his sexy British partner about Bridget’s miscarriage.
He returns home just in time to overhear Bridget tell Juliet that she doesn’t want another baby and tearfully lurks in a corner on the verge of tears. Aw, poor bloke!
The next morning, Andrew gets all man-motional and confronts Bridget about sperminating it, and after an awkward conversation, Bridget heads out to meet Malcolm.
But Agent Machado is one step ahead of her! He runs into Bridget and threatens to expose her affair with Henry unless she wears a wire during her upcoming hang-sesh! We believe this situation is often referred to Malcolm in the Middle.
Bridget agrees to Machado’s terms, but craftily lets Malcolm know she’s under surveillance by leaving him a note on the restaurant menu. Girls got skillz!
Once the wires are off, Bridge confronts Malcolm about his drug problem, and he asks her for some fast cash. Bridget refuses and instead offers Malcolm her emotional support, but he’s just like, “Witch with a capital B, you crazy” and wanders off into the unknown.
Meanwhile, Juliet’s found her way back to public school — but she has more than straight As on her mind. Juliet’s crushing hard on her sexy English teacher, Mr. Carpenter, so she propositions him for a good time.
Sadly, he’s not the “hit it or quit it” type, so he transfers Juliet out of his class because he doesn’t “like her that way.” Yeah, we’ve heard that one before, Mrs. Robinson.
Meanwhile, in France, Siobhan is doing what she does best. By which we mean she’s lounging around in her fanciest lingerie, wearing giant stunner shades, braiding her hair in elaborate up-dos, and deciding who to kill next. T
he problem? Her sexy young lover has just been made Head of European Operations in Andrew’s company and he’s meeting with the man himself in NYC without telling Shiv!
Of course, Bridget shows up to said dinner, rendering Tyler completely confuzzled. She quickly realizes that Andrew’s guest of honor thinks he’s having an affair with her (nothing she hasn’t dealt with before), and chooses to ignore him completely.
After dinner, Tyler calls Shiv and breaks up with him over the phone (Bridget: 1. Siobhan: 0), and Bridge and Andrew head back home to find a sweaty Malcolm fresh off of stealing cash for drugs.
Bridget hooks Malcolm up with the help he needs by sending him to stay with Charlie, which we somehow feel isn’t the best idea. It’s the belly of the beast, people!
Oh, and also? Shiv’s still in love with Henry. Or at least that’s what we assume, considering that she keeps a giant portrait of him in her drawer.