"I have no idea why Sammi's here. She's boring. There's nothing to her. She's just there. She's like furniture." — Deena Nicole Cortese
We can't help but love that little Deena. Maybe it's because she's new, but Snooki's pal just cuts through the first-pump BS and hits directly at the emotional core of things, doesn't she? Because, let's face it: Sammi Sweatpants was beyond boring in this episode. She was monumentally boring. So boring, in fact, that her boring boringness was the ultimate cause of yet another boring fight with her equally boring boyfriend, Ronnie. Le sigh!
But we digress.
Episode 2 began with the strange and contact-less fist fight between Sammi and Bowwoww, in which, surprisingly, neither party manage to successfully land a punch. These girls talk a mean talk, but, man! — when push comes to shove, they fight like day-old kittens who are afraid to get their dainty little paws dirty. At one point it seemed as though Sweatpants managed to extract a generous helping of weave from Bowwoww's already mangy head, but we're pretty sure that the gnarled-up hairpiece only came loose after becoming entangled in one of Sweatpant's bangles.
Anyway, the fight was quickly broken up — seemingly by a pair of over-sized production heavies who disappeared back into the MTV woodwork almost as quickly as they appeared. Predictably, Sam and Ron retreated back to their rat's nest, while Deena — who clearly forgot that her inebriation was the actual catalyst for the entire fight — wisely fixed herself another drink.
The next day was much like any other day at the Shore — with tanning, idle gossip ("Sam watches Ron like a hawrk!"), and an intense round-table discussion on female physiology in which Vinny posed the age-old question, "New girl, what's in a boob?" Slightly unsure, Deena ultimately decided that breasts are comprised almost entirely of fat, and maybe, sometimes?, milk.
Shortly thereafter, our merry bunch of anatomy experts headed out to Karma (which is evidently both a bitch, and a tacky nightclub), while Ron and Sam lay listless on their miserable twin bed, like a pair of quadriplegics with a nasty case of mono. While at the club, a rather stalkerish young lady performed a one-woman production of Fatal Attraction for a terrified Vinny, while Snooki spent time drunkenly lounging in a potted plant. "I will pee in a bush," she explained. "I will poop in a bush, I will hide in a bush." Frankly, we're grateful that there were only three options.
The next day, as the others tried to sleep off their hangovers, Rommi (our new collective term for the sickeningly co-dependent duo) headed off to church which, like, sorry now — what? Were they kidding about that? Two nights ago, Sweatpants ripped 10 bucks worth of weave from Bowwoww's scalp. Several months back, Ron bagged half of Miami behind Sammi's back, and lied about it. It's not church that these people need, it's hours and hours of intense therapy followed by some sort of 12-step program. Anyway, Rommi spent the entire day saying Hail Marys, and eating at Red Lobster, and staying as far away from the beach house as they possibly could — which managed to piss off the rest of the house royally because, duh! — it was Sunday and, therefore, Manson Family dinner; a day, historically, in which the housemates sit down, break bread, and forgive the unbearably heinous things that they've done to each other throughout the long, booze-soaked week.
But Rommi never showed up.
Truth be told, Vinny and Pauly both took Rommi's absence as something of a personal snub. Vinny was practically inconsolable. In fact, it took the task of retrieving Snooki and Deena's fouled Disney Princess kickball, which needed to be recovered from an adjacent rooftop, to cheer the poor guy up. Fortunately, with the help of several Jerry-rigged beer bongs, Vinny was able to fashion a McGyver-like device, rescue the girls' ball, and save the day, inserting only a few sex puns about he and Snooki's failed attempts at love.
Later that evening, the entire house headed over to the boardwalk to partake in the various bungee-themed amusements that Seaside Heights has to offer. One person who was not amused with the night's activities was, of course, Sammi Sweatpants. See, for the first time since he'd arrived back at the Shore, Ron was interacting with his old friends, and generally having a good time. Naturally Sammi, who detests smiles almost as much as she does laughter, decided to make it her mission to lure Ronni into another round of their famously boring arguments. Her plan took approximately five minutes to execute and, before long, the two were head-first into another snore-worthy argument about, well, nothing.
And as the credits began to roll, Sammi looked off into the distance and, choking back tears, muttered to herself. "I'm sick..." she whispered. "I'm sick."
Now you're talking sense, Sammi Sweatpants. Now you're talking sense.