The Bachelorette 2013 Premiere Recap: Love Tanks and Broken Dreams
It's been months since The Bachelorette has graced us with its glorious presence, but fear not, fellow rose-addicted flower children. Desiree Hartsock and her bangless forehead are kicking off their love journey, and it's completely romantic. In like, a terrifying "I'm trapped in a house with 25 certifiably insane inmates from the local sanitorium" way.
Of course, we can't forget that Desiree has been through SO MUCH since that one time Bachelor 17 Sean Lowe deflowered her, so naturally she has a lot of emotions to work through before entering her man harem. Which is presumably why she spends the first 10 minutes of this premiere staring unblinkingly into Mother Nature, rollerblading around Malibu in a bikini, making friends with feral seagulls, and chatting about her feels to Chris Harrison, who offers sage words of wisdom like "It's gonna be fun."
Desiree's musings on the season? "This whole experience is very humbling, to know that people are rooting for me. Making this happen is just unreal." Deep thoughts, everyone.
Most Memorable Arrivals
Diogo Custodio: This tragic soul steps out of his limo wearing full armor, which we assume he stole from Chris Harrison's LARP-ing chamber. Poor Diogo doesn't receive the warmest reception from Des, but whatever. Clearly she doesn't understand his fetish for fairy tales, unlike us. We'll let you play 7 Dwarves with us any day, Diogo, sob!
Zak Waddell: Ah, Zak. This professional mud-driller (yes, that's his job) forgets to get dressed before entering the limo, shows up shirtless, blinds everyone with the hills and valleys of his six-pack, and then asks Des if she'll accept his freshly oiled abs. Um, duh she will.
Nick Roy: Because he's magical. No, seriously — Nick is totally Gandalf to Desiree's Frodo. Why? Because he exits the limo, gifts Des a piece of paper, proceeds to light in on fire with his mind and turns it into a rose. We can't wait to see him in a straight jacket! For so many reasons.
Larry Burchett: Poor Lady forces Desiree to dance in the driveway despite the fact that its a slippery death trap, and she promptly rips her dress. Then she and Larry lapse into awkward silence while everyone stares at his mustache, and he audibly yells "F*CK" while walking into Bachelor Mansion. No further comment.
Micah: This lovable nerd shows up wearing a clown costume. Oh, wait — sorry. It's just some weird outfit he designed that has "HI DES" embroidered onto it. Get it, guys? Because Desiree is a dress designer? It's like Micah and her share a mind.
First Impression Roses
Ben Scott: This dude manages to win the first impression rose of the night thanks to rambling about his adorable son, as well as his love for something horrifying called "camping" in "nature." Clearly Des' ovaries are ready to pop out his outdoorsy babies.
Zak Waddell: Zak earns himself a rose after stripping down to his undies and plunging into the Bachelor Mansion swimming pool — which is pretty much a cornucopia of disease and infestation, so yeah, boyfriend is definitely deserving of a reward. Let's just hope ABC pays for his hospital bills when he gets tapeworm.
Bryden Vukasin: This hunk nabs a rose after chatting inanely about how much he loves his dog and musing about a kid in Iraq he bonded with during war. What have we learned? Bryden is a friend to foreign children. Including the unborn ones in Des' uterus.
Drew Kenney: This magnanimous gent claims his rose during the "drunk and sloppy," portion of the evening, at which point Des is handing them out like "La la la, roses for errrrryone, no1curr!" The good news? He's actually kind of adorable.
Nick Mucci and Mike Garofola: Tragically, we don't get to see why Nick and Michael were gifted roses from Des, but we assume she was aroused by their studly pheromones.
We're so worried about Jonathan Vollinger's "love tank" (his words). It must be in need of a tune-up, because why else would he offer Desiree a key to his fantasy suite? Obviously, Des rejects him, but dude will not be stopped. Jonathan spends his evening stealing all the throw pillows in Bachelor Mansion, doing pushups in front of a traumatized camera man, and repeatedly offering Des a chance to sexplore his body. As you might expect, Des deflowers Jonathan pre-Rose Ceremony, and we can only assume he traveled back from whence he came. AKA the abandoned soundstage of Ready for Love.
Who Was Sent Home?
Despite their erstwhile attempts to impress, Diogo, Nick Roy, Mike R., Micah, Larry, and Jonathan were sent packing by Desiree. Why she wasn't sexually attracted to Nick and his magical fingers, we don't know — but we're pretty sure their babies would have come out looking like David Blaine.
Next Week On The Bachelorette
Prepare for the most vomit-inducing (in a good way) ride of your life, because Desiree is going on her first dates during next week's all new Bachelorette! Not only will this gal treat Brooks Forester and Bryden Vukasin to one-on-ones, she'll force a group of her hotties to star in a music video with Soulja Boy — who is currently rueing the day he ever set foot in Bachelor Mansion.