We're in dance withdrawal over here at Wetpaint Entertainment, so we decided to check out Lifetime's Dance Moms to fill the void. Don't judge!
If you're hooked on the sequins and not afraid to admit it, check out last night's recap for Season 1, Episode 10: "Cathy Brings It On."
Welcome to La La Land
We kick things off in the City of Angels, where Abby Lee's dancers are preparing for the big Candy Apple's Dance Center face-off at iHollywood National Finals.
Before rehearsal, Abby launches into one her famous
tirades pep talks. Not only does she scare the crap out of the girls by telling them everyone in L.A. is more accomplished than they'll ever be, but she also manages to give Maddie a serious mommy complex. "Your mom's not here. We all make choices. She chose to be away instead of be with you." Wow, Abby. Just wow.
Group morale takes another nosedive when Abby reveals that Brooke and Paige have been stripped of their solos and demoted to group routine status. The girls don't look too upset — quite frankly, we're convinced they don't even like to dance — but Kelly is POed and threatens to hire an outside choreographer to do her daughters' routines.
Abby's all, "I dare you," but reminds her that if she goes through with it, Brooke and Paige will be pulled from the group dance. Decisions, decisions …
So, how did the other girls make out in the weekly pyramid? Nia and Mackenzie walk away with a duet, Chloe receives a solo and a spot in the group routine, and at the very top is Maddie. "You are undefeated. People are out to get you," Abby tells her. Yeah, no pressure.
While the girls rehearse, the moms sit around in the lobby and gossip. They're all concerned that Maddie and Mackenzie, whose mom Melissa opted to spend the weekend with her boyfriend, will get special treatment from Abby while she looks after them. Meanwhile, Kelly confirms her plan to hire professional choreographer Mike Munich, who has danced for such class acts as Ke$ha.
It's all pretty much business as usual, until in walks Laquifa, an African American drag queen Abby hired to inspire Nia to "embrace her ethnicity." Um, what? For some reason the kids are mesmerized by Laquifa, or maybe it's just her leopard-print pimp hat.
Things are looking up, but the Laquifa high is short-lived — Abby gets a phone call and learns that her mom has been admitted to the hospital … in Orlando. But she decides to stay in L.A. It's not every day your students compete at the iHollywood National Finals.
Meanwhile, back in candyland, turncoat Cathy is plotting her sweet revenge. She choreographs Taylor's solo to — get this — the very same music Abby's using for Chloe's solo … dun, dun, dunnn!
As the girls work on their solos, Paige is brought to tears by Mr. Ke$ha's tough love 'tude (which is odd considering he's a thousand times nicer than Abby), while saddie Maddie learns she'll be doing a dance about a girl who has been abused. Wah waaah.
Lights, Camera, Action!
Cut to the venue, Cathy rolls in from Canton, Ohio wearing some kind of deranged Little Red Riding Hood getup and proceeds to introduce her kids to Abby Lee's kids.
What happens next is a little unclear — all we know is that phrase "Bring it!" is thrown around a few times. By the mothers. Obviously, they all have really good taste in movies.
Just when you think things can't get any worse, Kelly bursts into tears and reveals that Mr. Ke$ha didn't finish Paige's solo. The horror! She has no choice but to yank the number from the competition.
Abby keeps her cool by channeling her energy into a pep talk for Maddie, who is wearing a raggedy white nightie and sporting a fake shiner on her right eye — a truly tasteful take on child abuse. Abby leaves Maddie with these final words of encouragement: "Make me cry." Instead, Maddie comes off stage in tears, overwhelmed with emotions that 8-year-olds aren't equipped to handle.
Next up are Candy Apple's Vivi-Anne and Justice, who can't do much to disguise their horrid technique. It's no surprise that Mackenzie and Nia wipe the floor with their ethnically ambiguous acro duet.
Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: the Taylor/Chloe music showdown. Chloe's mom Christi starts panicking backstage when she hears Taylor's track, but it honestly doesn't even matter. Chloe's performance is so much better that you can't even call it a competition.
And last but not least, Abby's kids take the stage for a tranny-licious group routine called "My Pumps," which has clearly been inspired by the likes of Laquifa. The attire? Black wigs, sparkly bras, and red faux-fur cropped jackets.
Not shockingly, Nia and Mackenzie beat Vivi and Justice with a 1st place finish, and Chloe takes 1st place for Junior Solo, beating out copycat Taylor. How you like them apples, Cathy?
However, things start to go downhill for Abby when Maddie comes in second in the Mini Solo division for her depressing child abuse dance (so much for being undefeated), and "My Pumps" comes in third overall.
"The Abby Lee Dance Company does not place third overall in a national competition!" Abby shrieks. Maybe the red faux-fur jackets were a little much?
Tune in next Wednesday, Sept. 21 at 10 p.m. ET on Lifetime for more nationals drama as Abby and the kids take on Tahoe!