Hi, Dance Moms! The neverending Season 2 continues, as more friendly (Kendall) and not-so-friendly (her mom, Jill) faces keep making their way through the Abby Lee Miller revolving door of shame. Let’s get started.
Before the Pyramid of Doom, a woman with a spunky Kate Gosselin bob walks into Abby’s studio and our lives, and her name is Jill. Oh, Jill. She of the Screams and the cowboy hat and the studio-hopping. She wants back on the tiny dancers’ team. So a crying Kendall is brought right back in. Abby says it’s not a big deal, she’ll just “stick her on the end.” Lovely!
At the bottom of the Pyramid this week are Mackenzie because her dancing was too fast last week, Nia (for falling), and Paige, who Abby admits didn’t really do anything wrong.
In the middle are Chloe, for not making the top three, and Brooke, making a huge jump up the Pyramid, mainly because Abby likes her facial expressions (and her neck-dancing!)
At the top is Maddie, so naturally all the Moms roll their eyes and complain in separate confessionals. Maddie always wins, Maddie’s always at the top, Maddie is Abby’s favorite, and you know what? All of the above is true, so maybe the Moms should just get over it. The Pyramid of Doom isn’t actually worth anything, nor does it dictate their kids’ futures like, say, a report card. It’s just a wall of shame, and you’re a sucker if you buy into it.
Maddie will be doing a solo this week called “I Can’t Find the Words.” Paige gets a solo called “Crème de la Crème,” and Nia gets a solo called “Working Girl by LaQueefa.” So in case you hadn’t heard (but seriously, how could you not have heard?), Nia once danced as a 70s Pam-Grier-in-Jackie-Brown kind of “character” named LaQueefa, complete with afro and leopard print jumpsuit. Nia had fun, and the tiny dancers loved it, so Nia will be reprising her role as the 12-year-old prostitute. So now you’ve heard.
There will also be a group number about a vampire, so Abby Lee will actually bring in a tiny dancing boy into the mix. We’re squeeing with delight and anticipation, but Mackenzie says that “boys are icky, icky, icky, icky!” Mackenzie is a smartie.
OMG it’s NICK!! LOLZ OMG! A stunning Zac Efron lookalike suddenly appears, and the girls can’t even contain their squeals of glee. They all run over and give the poor prepubescent a group hug. Next thing you know, he’s lifting the little ladies high up in the air and looking slightly self-conscious every time one of them spreads their legs a wee too wide. But OMG, NICK IS 2 HAWT 4 WORDZ U GUYZ! Squee.
“He’s playing the vampire and we’re in a trance, and everyone’s telling us ‘He’s bad, don’t like him,’ but we can’t help it,” explains Maddie, and we want to forewarn her that this pretty much sums up love as a concept, but she’s too itty bitty, and she’ll find out soon enough anyway.
Kendall is dismissed early, and Abby says, “I don’t have time to deal with Jill,” and once again, that poor kid Kendall is punished for her horrifying stage mother. As Abby smartly says, “Jill’s got a whole lot of groveling to do, and a whole lot of paperwork to sign.”
Drop Dead Diva calls and surprisingly, Maddie gets the part that all the girls auditioned for! The Moms think Maddie had the job before they even auditioned, and that Abby got the job for her. Melissa terrifically points out that if anyone else had gotten the part, they all would have been jumping up and screaming with joy and group hugging. But everyone expects Maddie to be the best, and even Abby concedes that, “Is Maddie the best? Who knows.”
Abby decides that some of the girls need to be cut from the number, and it will probably be Nia and Paige, since they are perpetually a beat behind. Plus, Abby can’t stand Nia’s hair. “You have too much of it!” she yells.
Abby calls a meeting about the Drop Dead Diva part, since she knows everyone is tense. But after Holly dares to have an opinion, Abby says, “You know what? Then fix this hair because it ishorrible,” pointing to poor pigtailed Nia. Holly says, “Fix your hair, and your face, and your body!” to Abby, and Abby says, “When I join your dance company, I will!” This is, of course, a totally appropriate conversation about women’s self-image to be having in front of pre-adolescent girls on the verge of Welcome to the Dollhouse levels of scrutiny and shame.
Abby forces Maddie to get out all of her crowns and “rub them in their faces,” meaning all the other tiny dancers. Abby tells us, “I didn’t want to show the girls the crowns, but I followed the rules … but then the Moms get mad, and I didn’t like that.” Melissa cries in a corner, so there’s that.
Time for the competition! Kendall immediately bursts into tears as soon as they get backstage and says her stomach hurts. Abby is Abby so she says, “Why are you always crying? So get some medicine, don’t cry about it.” Jill is in SERIOUS (sorry, but this merits all capitals) in denial about the fact that her kid isn’t the best dancer in the whole entire world.
Then Nia bursts into tears, but goes on anyway. She is wearing red sparklies and she’s wearing a red feathery collar, and she’s carrying a plastic briefcase. She does a pretty awesome Beyonce-in-"Who-Run-the-World?-(Girls)" impression, and we’re thoroughly impressed with the last-minute “death drop.”
“She went in with a bang,” admits Abby, and the whole crowd gives Nia a standing ovation, and she was pretty darn amazing.
Maddie is dressed like a prima ballerina, and she is as perfect as always. Abby’s right. This girl is going to be majorly successful one day. Paige’s solo is awesome as well, with lots of mid-air splits, and the girl is built like Gwyneth Paltrow so she looks effortlessly perfect.
Nia wins 9th place in the Solo Awards (and the “Fierce Attitude” award! Tyra Banks would be proud.) Paige wins 6th place, and Maddie wins 1st place! Every single solo entry placed in the top 10, and Abby is crying with pride. What a beautiful moment!
Unfortunately, it’s followed by an ugly one. Jill put a white bow in Kendall’s hair, and bows are only to be worn by the girls who appear in the group number. Abby hasn’t announced the lineup yet, so it was awfully presumptuous. Cue: The Screams. Jill screams that Abby is rude, and says “f*cking” in the same sentence, which is funny.
Abby warns Paige not to do her gymnastics backstage, but she wants to prove herself anyway, and injures herself. Seriously. Nia is not in the dance, and no one freaks out. Kendall is not in the dance, and The Screams reach high-volume. Abby says that Jill is “from the me, myself, and I generation,” and we love that. So Chloe, Brooke, and Maddie are in the group number with dreamy NICK OMG.
The group number is amazing! Everything about it is very Nutcracker-esque, and even one of the judges had a tear in her eye. They win first place in the group awards, and everyone Abby is beaming.
But Jill screams, “What is wrong with you people?” As Kendall cries, Jill shakes her hands at her child and says, “This is going to cost me a lot of money in therapy!” Jill walks out, and we bid our tiny dancers farewell for two long weeks.
Dance Moms airs on Tuesdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Lifetime.
Molly Friedman is an editor at Wetpaint Entertainment. Follow her on Twitter @MollyFriedman.
For the latest from Wetpaint Entertainment, Like us on our Facebook page at facebook.com/Wetpaint, or Follow us on Twitter at twitter.com/WetpaintTV.